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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked girls if they has a problem with my dc?

66 replies

Bingcankissmyass · 09/06/2018 09:26

Bit of back story dc (12) has had issues all through primary school, and now secondary school, with friendships. Always on/off, they said this/that (probably a typical girl thing) but it's gotten worse since secondary school with a few girls actually resorting to kicking /slapping dc, then a few days later theyre all friends again Hmm Anyway, went for a lovely walk in the sunshine with dc1 (12) and dc2 (2) and we see two girls walking towards us. They start whispering and looking at dc1, dc1 says nothing about it. Then they walk up and say 'you got beef with x?' dc1 stutters no. Girls go on 'you got beef with y?' Dc1 say no. Girls open their mouths and I ask them if there's a problem, and they don't answer just stand there looking at dc1. So I ask then again IS there a problem here? They look a little shocked for a minute then answer 'no' so I tell them 'off you go then' and off they went, looking back and giving us the evil eyes. Dc1 then says 'great, now they're gonna go back to school, tell everyone and I'll get picked on even more' I asked if she was having problems with these two girls and she said they were her friend!?! Wibu to ask (no snotty/threatening tone ) if there was a problem?? I woudnt have said anything had there been the usual exchange between friends (hi dc1, hi girls) or any other pleasantries but there was none, and none from dc1 either. I tried to explain to dc1 why I butted in, but she still wasn't happy. WIBU?

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 09/06/2018 09:28

It’s good you did that. I would of done the same thing. Well done.

Passmethecrisps · 09/06/2018 09:29

That all sounds very unpleasant to be honest. I would’ve concerned that the girls felt so empowered as to challenge your dd with you standing right there.

Your dd sounds like she might be struggling to understand what good relationships look like and what to expect from them hence thinking that these two girls were her friends.

Does she do any activities? Stuff beyond School whew she could meet other people?

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/06/2018 09:30

It sounds like she’s being bullied. I remember in a similar situation I desperately needed help but was scared that anything my parents did would make it worse and have repercussions so I would frantically block any attempts by my parents to help or intervene.

I then made a new friend who one day simply told them to fuck off and off they fucked and I realised how weak they’d been all along! I would try and talk to her about the extent of what’s really happening.

Passmethecrisps · 09/06/2018 09:30

Sorry. I have just realised I entirely didn’t answer your question. Of course you were not being unreasonable to support your dd.

Ginorchoc · 09/06/2018 09:32

Wow imagine what they’re like when no adult is there! I would have done the same, does sound as though it’s a bullying situation.

BlackWatchBelle · 09/06/2018 09:36

You weren't being unreasonable. It very much sounds like your daughter is being bullied and I would seriously consider asking to speak to someone at her school. Worrying that the girls were that brazen to ignore your prescence. I was bullied all through school, sounds a familiar situation, your daughter sounds scared and desperate to be accepted but she will never build confidence in the grips of her tormentors

Italiangreyhound · 09/06/2018 09:48

You did the right thing.

I think you and dd need to get to the bottom of this together. What's happening and why. It sounds like classic bullying and picking on your dd. School needs to be involved.

There are lots of websites with advice on how to empower people who are being bullied.

I agree out of school activities to build up her confidence.

And maybe a martial arts class like Taekwan-do. This is to give her confidence not so she can fight!

Any slapping or hitting must be dealt with by school. If it is left unchecked then the perpetrators will think they can get away with it.

Is there a different school she could go to if she wanted to?

Does she have friends who are not involved in this and do they come to your home?

Try and work out with your dd what would tackle this.

It might be your dd has not developed her social skills to be able to stay out of trouble. She may say the wrong thing I'm some situations, or not say the right thing!

BUT this does not excuse bullying behaviour. Maybe some help with negotiationing relationships might be useful -eg why night someone think she has fallen out with someone else. There really may be no reason, bullies do not need a reason but there might be a mismatch in comminkcayion.

Good luck. Flowers

holdonasecond · 09/06/2018 10:00

YWNBU and I'm glad you spoke up. It's worrying that they even had the guts to intimidate your DD in front of you. So you can only imagine what they're probably like when she's on her own.
I would speak to the school definitely.

whiteonred · 09/06/2018 10:04

'your daughter sounds scared and desperate to be accepted but she will never build confidence in the grips of her tormentors'

This,

I think you need to seek help from a bullying helpline, talk with DD and talk with the school.

I think you handled the situation extremely well, and in a very restrained manner (in a good way).

Racecardriver · 09/06/2018 10:09

That was unnecessary. I don't really see what you hoped to achieve by that.

supersop60 · 09/06/2018 10:14

You were totally right to stick up for your own child. racecar - how could OP just have stood by and watched that?
Now you can go to the school and say you have first hand knowledge that there is a problem, and insist they deal with it.
In the meantime, discuss some strategies with your DD how to deal with this if it happens again.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/06/2018 10:16

Where does OP say that her child is a girl? Have I missed it?

BiscuitsRule · 09/06/2018 10:16

That was unnecessary. I don't really see what you hoped to achieve by that.

You don’t see what OP was hoping to achieve by intervening in the girls that were intimidating her DD right in front of her? Hmm you must be as blind as a bat.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/06/2018 10:18

You did the right thing.

I was being Badly bullied aged around 13/14 by some girls who shared my bus. My sister told my mum and my mum confronted them (lied) and told them she was a solicitor Blush and that she could create some very big problems for them if they didn’t stop bullying me. It worked. Chief bully apologised to me on the bus the next day and left me alone.

You need to speak to the school OP.

BiscuitsRule · 09/06/2018 10:23

@ Butchy - Where does OP say that her child is a girl? Have I missed it?

Always on/off, they said this/that (probably a typical girl thing)

I asked if she was having problems with these two girls and she said they were her friend

I tried to explain to dc1 why I butted in, but she still wasn't happy. WIBU?

I think she’s a girl.

Ginorchoc · 09/06/2018 10:24

Butchy op says her, she etc

KittyHawke80 · 09/06/2018 10:27

Are you clinically insane, racecar? It’s absolutely beyond belief that these children have so little fear that they walked up to the child - in front of the OP - and asked if the child ‘had a beef’ (absurdly wanky pseudo-gangster term) with other kids?!?! Was the mum supposed to stand there humming a little tune as if they were all having a naice convo about unicorns and Ariana Grande? I’d be a damn sight more robust than she was!

tempester28 · 09/06/2018 10:29

Do you know the parents? It may be worth letting them know that they approached you (rather than just your daughter) in such a bold and rude manner when you were out for a walk.

Freaklikemeee · 09/06/2018 10:33

Wow, I think you were very restrained, given the circumstances!

DC1 won't appreciate your intervention but you are the adult here and you know what's best.

CoraPirbright · 09/06/2018 10:35

I have done a slightly similar thing before. DD was at a summer holiday activity week run by and in school where there were 3 other girls from her year, including her ‘frenemy’ who, funnily enough can be fairly free with her hands when enraged (slaps, pinches). They totally excluded DD who then said she didn’t want to do the camp-out so I had to go and pick her up. The next morning when I dropped her off, they approached her, all wide-eyed and solicitous, asking if dd was ok and why did she leave? They knew damn well - everyone had seen it, including girls from the year above who took them to task about it all. I was so infuriated by this - just because I was there and they were anxious in case they got into trouble. So I met it head on and said “why do you think she left? It is because you are all being mean and excluding her”. Queue awkward silence and everyone suddenly finding the floor fascinating. They mumbled their apologies to dd and things were much better after that (although frenemy took dd to task over how rude I was!! Cant tell you how much I hate that girl).

So I think you did a totally understandable thing.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/06/2018 10:37

It will help that the girls have seen that a) you know there is a problem, so DD isn’t dealing with it alone and b) you won’t take any shit and will support DD.

MrsHappyAndMrCool · 09/06/2018 10:41

YABU - you should not have spoken to them, you are the adult here! If you have any problems they should be taken up with the school.

Original poster
Bingcankissmyass · 09/06/2018 10:43

Thanks all, I thought I did the right thing but the started doubting myself! I know what it's like to be bullied, so started overthinking things! She has a small group of 'friends' with whom she's constantly falling out with Confused I've spoken to the school who've said they'll keep an eye on things, but 'keeping an eye out' doesn't really help! After the kicking incident(x kicked dc1 in privates but told teacher she hadn't, but dc1 had foot print on dress and bruised privates) the school acted, but they've not been very helpful since. She does try to fit in and be accepted but n amount of 'just be yourself' will change her mind on her chosen friends Hmm she dies a few out of school activities, but no real friends from them. I will be asking for a meeting at school next week though, it makes me want to keep her from going out now. God knows what they'll do if she's out on her own Angry
Racecardriver going by your logic had these girls actually started assaulting my dc, I should have just stood by and watched? That was unnecessary. I don't really see what you hoped to achieve by that. I was hoping to achieve my daughter not getting the shit kicked out of her .

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 09/06/2018 10:43

So, if teens walk up and start challenging your child right in front of your nose, you are supposed to stand idly by? F that! I'd stand tall, give them a mouthful myself and take action in the school on the Monday morning. Bullies thrive on passivity and silence. You didn't threaten them and I doubt you've worsened the situation if that's what they were already doing to your child. My dd's school is super-hot on bullying and I would immediately make an appointment with head of year and ask for tutors to look out for frenemy/friend bullying.

KittyHawke80 · 09/06/2018 10:45

Oh my God - I’ve slipped into the fucking Twilight Zone. WHY CAN’T SHE TALK TO THE NASTY LITTLE PIECES OF WORK WHO ARE CLEARLY INTIMIDATING HER CHILD?!?!? WHO IGNORED HER REASONABLE QUESTION AND GAVE THEM BOTH SHITTY LOOKS?!?!? You sound like the kind of woman who drives her kids to the local rec to have ‘straighteners’ with the school bullies. Lunacy. Absolutely unhinged.