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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked girls if they has a problem with my dc?

66 replies

Bingcankissmyass · 09/06/2018 09:26

Bit of back story dc (12) has had issues all through primary school, and now secondary school, with friendships. Always on/off, they said this/that (probably a typical girl thing) but it's gotten worse since secondary school with a few girls actually resorting to kicking /slapping dc, then a few days later theyre all friends again Hmm Anyway, went for a lovely walk in the sunshine with dc1 (12) and dc2 (2) and we see two girls walking towards us. They start whispering and looking at dc1, dc1 says nothing about it. Then they walk up and say 'you got beef with x?' dc1 stutters no. Girls go on 'you got beef with y?' Dc1 say no. Girls open their mouths and I ask them if there's a problem, and they don't answer just stand there looking at dc1. So I ask then again IS there a problem here? They look a little shocked for a minute then answer 'no' so I tell them 'off you go then' and off they went, looking back and giving us the evil eyes. Dc1 then says 'great, now they're gonna go back to school, tell everyone and I'll get picked on even more' I asked if she was having problems with these two girls and she said they were her friend!?! Wibu to ask (no snotty/threatening tone ) if there was a problem?? I woudnt have said anything had there been the usual exchange between friends (hi dc1, hi girls) or any other pleasantries but there was none, and none from dc1 either. I tried to explain to dc1 why I butted in, but she still wasn't happy. WIBU?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 09/06/2018 10:45

MrsHappyAndMrCool

Yes she should go and speak to the school but this incident was outside of school and the OP shouldn't have let it pass.

Original poster
Bingcankissmyass · 09/06/2018 10:45

KittyHawke80 absurdly wanky pseudo-gangster term couldn't agree more Grin

OP posts:
Papergirl1968 · 09/06/2018 10:47

I think you did the right thing.
But then what do I know? I raced to the park yesterday upon hearing a group of male friends had got hold of dd2’s phone and were up the climbing frame threatening to throw it down and tossing it to each other. Stormed over and gave them what for, told them they had ten seconds to hand it over before I called police, and got the phone back, albeit with a bit of verbal abuse.
Dd2 was mortified rather than grateful.
But I make no apologies for tackling bullies. I dont know how I kept my hands off the ringleader who is a little shit. I’m also letting the parents of the other lads know that they’re getting into trouble by being with him.
Op, if your dd has any more trouble, I’d definitely be letting parents and school know.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 09/06/2018 10:51

papergirl I also think you did the right thing too. It’s absolutely right to let bullies know that their victims have a support network that will stand up for them.

coolwalking · 09/06/2018 10:52

Yanbu- your poor DC. It's frightening to think these nasty kids spoke to your child like that in front of you.

KittyHawke80 · 09/06/2018 10:56

@Bingcankissmyass Fairly or unfairly, I’m imagining they sucked their teeth as well 😂 Nasty little cows.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/06/2018 10:57

You did the right thing, I could not have stood there while my child gets bullied. If they are like that with you there, what are they like without you there. I would also be seeing the headteacher and telling them.

Italiangreyhound · 09/06/2018 11:02

Racecardriver

"That was unnecessary. I don't really see what you hoped to achieve by that"

Those words describe your post, not the OP's situation, IMHO.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/06/2018 11:03

Racing you sound like the bullies parents, so you would happily stand there whilst your child gets bullied, good parent you are🤔

Candlelight123 · 09/06/2018 11:03

You did the right thing. I would be worried that they were bold enough to do it in front of you, the extent of the bullying when there's no adult there and the fact she considers these girls 'friends'.

rosenylund · 09/06/2018 11:04

My mum witnessed a bullying incident and never said a word; I have never ever forgotten that she didn't intervene or even ask me if I was ok. You did the right thing.

Papergirl1968 · 09/06/2018 11:04

Thanks, Zibbidoo.
The way I see it, it brings the tiger out in most parents when they see their cub being picked on.

Original poster
Bingcankissmyass · 09/06/2018 11:06

@KittyHawke80 checklist for nasty cows:
Teeth suck ✔
Head tilt ✔
Hand on hip ✔
Scouse brows (awfully done) ✔
Orange face ✔
😂😂

OP posts:
Branleuse · 09/06/2018 11:07

Your daughter cannot protect herself here. She doesnt have the resources and the school arent protecting her. You need to do something here before your daughter ends up getting a beating. Take her out of school if neceesary

KittyHawke80 · 09/06/2018 11:08

I absolutely agree @rosenylund (love your username, btw - I’m dreading the day I wake up and find Betty has carked it 😢) I’m certain that in years to come, OP’s daughter’s abiding memory will be that her mum stood up for her. I can’t imagine what it must be like to know your mum didn’t have your back in that situation. I feel for you.

KittyHawke80 · 09/06/2018 11:09

@Bingcankissmyass - Yep. Absolutely 😂

DunnoWhy · 09/06/2018 11:12

I would talk to school definitely. Your dd sees these girls at school all the time, she has to interact with them if they have shared classes and activities in the school. Bullying and intimidating and anti-social behaviour in the school is definitely school's problem and they need to know.

My advice is to arrange a meeting with the school (specifically with the right person who deals with such incidents as their main job) and whatever is being talked in the meeting, recap it with an email and ask in writing their next course of action. Cc the email to the head of year and head of KS3 to keep them in the loop. It'll show that you are involving the school in a big way and not going to quietly accept any old reply.
Ask in writing to see (for them to send you by email) their anti bullying policy and their Customer Services policy. Leave a paper trail behind. If the school fails to act in the right way, the paper trail will help you to escalate further and get help from further organisations.
That's the part concerning your interaction with the school.

As for your dd, she needs to find better friends in and out of school. Can she join some clubs in the school? Work in the school library as a helper?
Also can she do some out of school activities to make new friends and take the pressure out of school problems? Girl guides or scouts are very reasonably priced and wonderful for good citizenship. And if she joins the nearest guides or scouts, chances are there will be some other pupils from her school in these activities so they can be new good friends for her in school.

Find things she's interested in and good at, and nurture these. It'll make her happy and confident and she might even run a club within her school in these subjects. School might give her help to run an after school club in that interest of hers. I know a girl in my dd's school who run origami and card making club in the library after school and there are regulars of these club. Good for the girl who runs it, good for the pupils who join and good for the school.
Your dd needs to know about boundaries and self-respect. What us normal and what is not. She must learn what is not acceptable. If she cannot stand up to the bullies (due to being intimidated etc which is perfectly normal and acceptable in her circumstances) at least she should know that it's not right and she should know that she should ask help to stop it and help to deal with these nasties rather than quietly accepting it.

It's a good job that you witnessed these two girls approaching your dd like that, so brazen. So now you know and you can help.
Please ask schools help.

Branleuse · 09/06/2018 11:13

It sounds like she has been bullied her whole school life and is just accepting thats what she deserves now :(

holdonasecond · 09/06/2018 11:17

YABU - you should not have spoken to them, you are the adult here! If you have any problems they should be taken up with the school

They deserved it. The op didn't threaten them but just asked them a question in order to diffuse the situation. Yes she is an adult and if children are being nasty then it's up to adults to step in and stop it or they will never learn. Teachers would have been able to step in at school so why shouldn't the op's own mother speak up outside of school?

TheHandmaidsTail · 09/06/2018 11:18

You were very restrained

"who the fuck are you" would have been my response. Deffo approach the school, it's completely not acceptable.

TheMagnoliaTree · 09/06/2018 11:18

My friend's mother was slightly unhinged and bollocked us for being late home past curfew (I was staying at her house) until she found out it was because we had to run in the opposite direction of home as my mate had the audacity to be going out with a boy that this other girl wanted. We genuinely thought we were going to be beaten by a gang of at least 6 girls.

My friend's mother took the next day off work, and intercepted the ring leader who was walking home from school and basically threatened to kick the shit out of her if she so much as looked at us again.

That was the end of 4 months of solid bullying, we told no-one at school, we (me included) were shoved, kicked and verbally abused.

I could have kissed my friend's mother for what she did. You couldn't do that now but this was the late 80's.

It was good to have someone say no, this behaviour is unacceptable.

The fact these girls confronted your daughter with you next to her shows how brazen they are. Contact school and tell them everything.

insomuchpain · 09/06/2018 11:21

I would of said more than that to be honest. Kids nowadays think they can get away with everything!

Give them about of a shout at they will shit them selfs x

butlerswharf · 09/06/2018 11:23

You did the right thing for sure and we're quite restrained I think. Smile

Oldraver · 09/06/2018 11:26

I cant believe they were so brazen to bully your child in front of you, so think you did right to stand up to them

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/06/2018 11:27

May I ask, without everyone telling me I'm being 'goady' - what is it about your DD that is different - you say she tries to fit in, which implies there is a stand out characteristic that she's trying to mask.

She does try to fit in and be accepted but n amount of 'just be yourself' will change her mind on her chosen friends

The reason I ask, is centred around awareness of other peoples abilities and disabilities. Is there a personality trait that marks her out? the reason I ask is anecdotal. DS had a friend who was bullied relentlessly, he was much later diagnosed with ADHD and Asperger's, but he was needled every day until he went into melt down. No one "saw" the bullies, they all focused on the bad behaviour which of course was designed to disrupt lessons. The bullies sat back laughing, aim achieved, whilst a child who very much needed help was castigated.

Either way, the school need to intervenes, you do need to raise the out of school incident with the Head of Pastoral/HOY. There are clearly issues within that year group.

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