To have asked girls if they has a problem with my dc?

[Bingcankissmyass]

Bit of back story dc (12) has had issues all through primary school, and now secondary school, with friendships. Always on/off, they said this/that (probably a typical girl thing) but it's gotten worse since secondary school with a few girls actually resorting to kicking /slapping dc, then a few days later theyre all friends again Anyway, went for a lovely walk in the sunshine with dc1 (12) and dc2 (2) and we see two girls walking towards us. They start whispering and looking at dc1, dc1 says nothing about it. Then they walk up and say 'you got beef with x?' dc1 stutters no. Girls go on 'you got beef with y?' Dc1 say no. Girls open their mouths and I ask them if there's a problem, and they don't answer just stand there looking at dc1. So I ask then again IS there a problem here? They look a little shocked for a minute then answer 'no' so I tell them 'off you go then' and off they went, looking back and giving us the evil eyes. Dc1 then says 'great, now they're gonna go back to school, tell everyone and I'll get picked on even more' I asked if she was having problems with these two girls and she said they were her friend!?! Wibu to ask (no snotty/threatening tone ) if there was a problem?? I woudnt have said anything had there been the usual exchange between friends (hi dc1, hi girls) or any other pleasantries but there was none, and none from dc1 either. I tried to explain to dc1 why I butted in, but she still wasn't happy. WIBU?

I'm awful at dealing with these kind of situations I would have probably stayed mute and afterwards wished I'd have responded as you did. You were restrained but firm and you sent the message to DD that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Not the op's own mother. The girl's own mother. You get what I mean.

Of course you did the right thing, in fact I'd say I think you maybe didn't drive it home enough being so reserved. But what will happen next? This sounds exactly like my DD's school - quite a few similarities. We are on the outskirts of London so knife crime, gangs etc has filtered out and everyone is a gangsta. The school can't deal with it; they literally gave up - now if someone is bullied they go full on down the "two sides to every story" route. Because if the bullies dont get their targets in school, they will get them outside, in the streets surrounding the school - its not uncommon that mothers will be using social media to track down children who have "disrespected" their kids, and be waiting outside for them. Older sisters join in, and young people have been attacked - then others wade in and say well x must have done something to upset y, and the school say well we can't take sides and the police say whoever is involved in a brawl will be arrested but we don't know who started it.

And so it goes on. Mostly, parents whose kids have been on the receiving end are moving their kids, usually DDs, to other schools. Sometimes, you have to know when to stand up to bullies and when to walk away. No one in their right mind would say you did the wrong thing, but now I think you have to wake up to what could be a serious situation for your DD. By all means talk to the school, but what other options do you have? Are there other schools in the area you might get a place at?

Don't second guess yourself, OP. In the nicest way, your DD isn't capable of knowing how to deal with these kids. That's fine, I didn't at that age either.

@TheHandmaidsTale inside I was screaming 'have you got a fucking problem with my daughter? If you've got a problem with her, you've got a problem with me. Then you're in a world of fucking shit' 😂😂

I was badly bullied at school. I was at home too so my parents were neglectful of my needs. It really pisses me off that all this time later schools still haven’t got their shit together about bullying.

@newyear we think she may suffer from pda, and masks quite well at school (but has one mini meltdown) There's also the fact that her older brother (15) has long hair, is quite dark and brooding and had run ins with other pupils. Some of her 'friends' are part of the popular crowd.
@staples only other schools near enough have bad reputations 😣

I absolutely think you did the right thing. I can see that your DD thinks that you are only going to have made matters worse though. It does sound like she is struggling to recognise that these girls are not her friends though. It can be hard if the relationship is up and down, so when things are going well she thinks it is all ok, then something bad happens again.

Could you maybe suggest she talks to Childline? She can call or message them if she finds that easier. But maybe she might find it easier to understand that these are not good friendships if it comes from someone impartial? You are obviously biased. And she doesn't want to say anything to school. But if she could be open and honest with someone anonymously who can also offer some impartial advice, maybe that will help her understand.

Bing look at those schools again. That's what I did. My eldest DD was at grammar school (this is not the school I was talking about upthread btw) she was being bullied, this was unusual within the school. She was quiet and reserved, and the bullies latched on to it. Its the most sought after grammar in this region but I moved her; I put her into what some people were calling the local pupil referral unit because it was a new and untested school only open a year and mostly aimed at boys. Even the educational psychologist I'd sent her to said don't do it (she just wanted her to "cope" with the bullies).

She thrived. Overcame many of her demons, not all, but she did amazingly well and has gone on to art school, again all going well. Please re-visit the "bad" schools and see if they are worth a second chance.

I didn't even want my mum to get involved when I was beaten up and my glasses broken in the corridor. You cannot go by what a bullied child says in all cases because they are just terrified of doing anything at all by this stage

It's sad that she considers these girls friends. At best they were trying to get ammo to take back to others at school to get her in trouble, at worst they were trying to orchestrate a fight/row right there in front of her mother. As an example of how her so-called friends interact with her, it's chilling.

@TheMagnolia your friend's mum is basically me, or if the kid looks too young for me to threaten then my eldest daughters do it sticking up for their sisters.

I agree with Staples, look at the other schools again. And if all else fails, in your position I would rather home educate than let her stay in that toxic environment. Maybe also look at local Home Ed groups too?

Explain to your daughter where these little shits will be in a few years time.

at children walking up and being hobby to another child in front of her mother! That isn't normal, I'd assume they were feral little shits.

Is this a good school op? It doesn't sound it, that's not at all acceptable behaviour, but these kids seem to think it's normal? That would worry the hell out of me. Are there any other school options around?

*gobby