AIBU or is she being a CF?

[Charliebob1337]

My SIL is slighter younger than I am and is married to my husband's older brother. They have been together many years before my husband and I met. They have 2 sweet boys, one is 2 years old the other is 8 years old.

Both my husband and I work full time, quite stressful jobs. My SIL doesn't work, never has done, even before she had children. Just odd jobs here and there as she cuts hair. My BIL works full time as a plumber.

They constantly rely on my husband's parents to look after their children, literally they must have them every single weekend so they can go out and drink with friends. It's like they got married and had children too early on that they feel they have missed out on life. Not only that but she dumps the kids with anyone if and when she can. She has a GP appt, dumps then. She has to pop to the shops, dumps then.

My husband and I are very different, have lived our lives, have done and seen things we have always wanted to do and see before we decided to get married and have children.

Every single time my husband and I have a week off together from work it's like a cover up mission. We try our hardest not to tell family we are on holiday because when we do, we are bombarded with texts from my SIL asking us to look after their children and try and guilt trip is by saying they miss us etc.

We have had them a few times, and have taken the older boy out for a day trip on a handful of occasions. Nothing fancy but we don't have a lot of money and as it's our week off together we like to spend time just the two of us as my husband works night shifts and we'll why shouldn't we?

One time she messaged me late the night before the first day of our holiday asking us to have the children the following day in the morning. I kindly replied and said my husband was knackered and really wanted a lie in as he hadn't had a day off in ages. She didn't reply.

Then two days later we were just about to go furniture shopping and she text asking us to have one of the kids the following day. Again I said I'm sorry but we have made plans with friends (which we had) but we could do the next day. She replied saying couldn't do that day because the child had piano lessons so couldn't do it.

She then went to my MIL saying we were being awkward and unreasonable. That we didn't care about our nephews and we had upset them. Luckily this info came out months later otherwise I would have erupted!

So after years of trying to conceive I am pregnant. I have 7 weeks left of work but I have had a really difficult pregnancy followed by stressful appointments as I am a high risk birth due to other medical conditions I have.

Due to this I have always said I want one and only one child. Call me selfish but it's all I can handle financially, mentally and physically.

Anyways my SIL text me the other day even though we haven't spoken in months. The only time I hear from her is when she wants something..

She asks me to babysit her youngest son for half a day on a Thurs in two weeks time as she has a client she wants to cut hair for.

I kindly reply and say I would but I'm working all day so unfortunately I can't. I then get a call from my MIL to say she's just called her to CHECK I'm not lying, as she is convinced I start my maternity leave by then.

Honestly hand on heart don't, I'm at work. I just thought, you cheeky f*. Checking up on me to see if I'm telling the truth or not. After I replied saying I couldn't she then didn't even text back, even though I had tried to make friendly conversation.

Now I have awful anxiety that this is going to be a current thing. Once she knows I'm off, and off for an entire year it's going to be constant. To her she will just think why can't I, I'm at home what does it matter?

To me I've waited for this moment for a long long time. Will only do this once and have to return to my full time job in a year's time. She gets all the time in the world with her children.

Again nothing to do with the actual children, I adore them, they adore me and they are lovely but obviously like all children need a lot of attention.

AIBU to tell her no, and how do I do this without ruining the relationship. We aren't close but I would hate to fall out over this? I'm happy to look after them in emergency situations but it's so emotionally draining having to explain why or come up with excuses as to why I can't have the kids.

Is MIL pissed off with herself for keep having the kids & hoping to share the "workload"?

Not Op's problem of course.

Just say no & give no reason for them to argue about.

If you keep contact, of course.

What does your husband think about their behaviour?

be a CF back -
"oh I have a doc appointment on Tue - I'm sure you will be able to repay the favour and have DD/DS for a few hours",
"DH and I need a night out - so I'll drop DD/DS round at 5 ok?",
"of course with a new baby I won't be able to babysit yours just yet, but it will be nice to have all the favours returned for a while"

yes she is asking too much. but at some stage you might want her to babysit so it might not be such a bad thing if you get some reciprocal arrangement going in the future. but do it when you're ready, and on your terms.

I wouldn't let them near my baby :(

Would you need mil to baby sit for you occasionally?

Getting your MIL to ring and check you are not lying? Get rid of this selfish, entitled user. Not only does she use and disrespect you thinking only of herself (poor kids), if you do not do what she wants she bad mouths you to your MIL. It is of course a matter for her, but perhaps it is time she started saying no as well putting an end to her dumping her own children. Where are her own parents in all this? Do they never babysit.

Once you are on maternity leave it will get worse. Your dh needs to have a word with his parents first and then his brother to make it clear you cannot be pestered continually to provide free childcare services during this time and to leave out the emotional blackmail.

I’d tell your DH to deal with this situation. Every time SIL texts forward it to him and ask him to reply. Same with MIL. Don’t answer calls, get him to phone them back. Get them used to having to go through him. Tell him unless he manages the situation with his family you don’t wish to see them. I’m sure he doesn’t want you stressed during your pregnancy after all...

The problem here is you feel embarrassed and awkward for daring to refuse a request. SIL doesn’t feel embarrassed or awkward for making the request (or indeed trying to pressurise you if you dare to refuse!). She is being manipulative and clearly does not bother about your feelings why are you so concerned about hers?

Absolutely do not make any further excuses, they are her children and not yours, whilst occasional helping out with your time is yours to offer it’s not hers to demand. Be blunt but polite as others have said and just say I’m sorry but we’re happy to have you, BIL and the nephews visit us but we are not here to babysit them whilst you do other things. You want to play her at her own game? “We MISS you and BIL - we’re happy to see nephews, AND their parents anytime”.

As for MIL - don’t pussyfoot about tell her you are really finding it rude that anytime you are off you are viewed as available for her to drop her kids off on you so it’s not a ‘we miss you’ visit it’s a free babysitter. She seems good at relaying messages - get her to relay that!

Op in the nicest possible way you need to be quite honest with her.

What does your DH think?

As for her ringing to check re your maternity I would be furious. What did your MIL say does she think her DD is rude? I'm thinking yes if she told you that.

What a cheek!

You either need to pre-empt the question by sending a clearly worded message stating that during maternity leave you will be resting, preparing for your newborn and taking time to enjoy the last few weeks before you become a parent and after baby is born you will be caring for your own child, not running around after other people's.

Or you wait until every time she asks and say. 'No, I'm not a childminder. This isn't about liking or not liking the nephews. If you have childcare issues, pay someone qualified and appropriate to do it.'

Or your DH steps up and has a word.

Or all of the above. Because it's likely that even with a pre-emotive message, she'll still chance it and ask for last minute favours.

Repeat No No No No No. don't give an excuse, if she pushes, tell her to get a childminder.
Don't let her bully you. Be firm and sod the consequences because her and MIL are out of order.

Yes, at some point you might want someone to babysit, but for the odd occasion that happens it sure as hell isn't worth all the hassle you'd get from her in return.

Just keep saying no. But I'd ask where is your DH in all this? What does he think of his mother ringing to check that you're not lying? Or his sister constantly asking you to have the kids, just for her convenience? You haven't mentioned his involvement her at all.

@Charliebob1337

Yeah, I can't get past the CF SIL, reporting back to MIL. What a bitch.

OP, your husband should be sorting this, not you. Why is he not stepping in and talking to his brother and SIL about this? WHY?!

This should not be your burden to bear.If your husband doesn't step in and defend you, and sort things out, and put his SIL in her place, he is as bad as them sorry!

I have experienced this kind of crap before - many years ago with extended family, and more recently with acquaintances. Asking me to do stuff like take their kids for the day, or run them to the airport, them to hospital or here and there, and then having a kind of 'oh any excuse' attitude, and asking others if you are doing what you were saying what you said you were, (when you gave your reason for not doing what they wanted.) Cheeky fuckers by the bucketload all through life! How do they do it? And why? I just couldn't!

Congrats on new baby by the way!

You need to be clear that you won’t be offering babysitting services through maternity leave and during early months with your new baby.
I agree with what others have said - you shouldn’t feel you have to give excuses why you can’t do it. That only allows her to think your services ARE available if she can show you are not doing something else she considers worthwhile. You are allowed to have time alone by yourself without that meaning that you are available to help her.

Yeah, I can't get past the CF SIL, reporting back to MIL. What a bitch.

I agree Llindalee - but I also think MIL should have told her to get lost and do her own city work ie If she thinks you're lying (!) call you out on it! - Though TBH even if you had been, it's obvious you don't want to take her kids, so why not just accept it?

*dirty work, not city work

Sorry SIL, I’m not going to be your childcare provider

Direct is best

Mil, she asked, I said no. I’m not interested in her bitching about me behind my back. You are aware of what happens to The Messenger?

Did MIL ring to check up on you?
Or did MIL ring to tell you what she'd done?

It's not unreasonable/CF of her to ask you occasionally if you can look after your nephew/s, or indeed to want you and DH to spend time with them - sounds like she has to be proactive for that to happen at all tbh. And what she asks of her MIL is what plenty of families are happy to do. Maybe MIL likes/wants it.

tbh i would have told MIL that since she has now called you to check if you were lying or not, that from this exact moment until the end of time that i want it noted, right this instant, that i will never ever babysit for her, ever! and that MIL can pass that along with the confirmation that im still working that week ;)

As others have said, don't give a reason.
When she asks why, reply;
'I'm not giving you the reason because last time you didn't believe me'

One rude text of "I'm not a fucking childminder" would cause such offence that she'll never ask again.

what an awful woman - and mil is just as bad for checking for her....you need to address this somehow without it damaging your relationship with nephews and your childs cousins if possible. You will need to be attending lots of mums and baby groups (in theory), maybe hamming up struggling to adapt to being a new mum and not feeling you would be able to entertain nephews on your own as well as baby....otherwise get hubby to deal with it before the circling starts

What a damn cheek she has to ask and then get MiL to check up on you. I think you need to be very clear before you start your maternity leave. Don't apologise for what you are about to say.

You tell her you will not be looking after her children when you start maternity leave because a) you have a high risk pregnancy and need to take care of yourself, b) after your baby is born you will obviously be spending 24/7 looking after him/her and bonding and c) if you wanted to be a childminder you would become registered and do it for a living, but you have zero interest in doing so.

That, put in your own words, should stop her. If it doesn't then one word replies of NO should work.

You know she is a CF so don't be surprised. Between now and birth refuse any babysitting duties due to 'exhaustion',. Do not give in at all. After birth be all 'mystic mumsy' and explain that you are so enjoying the thrill of motherhood, you couldn't look after other little ones, because you need to devote yourself to raising and nurturing your own baby. NEVER have either of her children when you have your baby or she will find a way of making sure you look after her kiddies more than she does.

Please be firm, it will be more difficult to look after you small child with other children tnere, until yours us at an age to play with others.

One rude text of "I'm not a fucking childminder" would cause such offence that she'll never ask again.

THIS ☝🏻