Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she being a CF?

101 replies

Charliebob1337 · 08/06/2018 21:25

My SIL is slighter younger than I am and is married to my husband's older brother. They have been together many years before my husband and I met. They have 2 sweet boys, one is 2 years old the other is 8 years old.

Both my husband and I work full time, quite stressful jobs. My SIL doesn't work, never has done, even before she had children. Just odd jobs here and there as she cuts hair. My BIL works full time as a plumber.

They constantly rely on my husband's parents to look after their children, literally they must have them every single weekend so they can go out and drink with friends. It's like they got married and had children too early on that they feel they have missed out on life. Not only that but she dumps the kids with anyone if and when she can. She has a GP appt, dumps then. She has to pop to the shops, dumps then.

My husband and I are very different, have lived our lives, have done and seen things we have always wanted to do and see before we decided to get married and have children.

Every single time my husband and I have a week off together from work it's like a cover up mission. We try our hardest not to tell family we are on holiday because when we do, we are bombarded with texts from my SIL asking us to look after their children and try and guilt trip is by saying they miss us etc.

We have had them a few times, and have taken the older boy out for a day trip on a handful of occasions. Nothing fancy but we don't have a lot of money and as it's our week off together we like to spend time just the two of us as my husband works night shifts and we'll why shouldn't we?

One time she messaged me late the night before the first day of our holiday asking us to have the children the following day in the morning. I kindly replied and said my husband was knackered and really wanted a lie in as he hadn't had a day off in ages. She didn't reply.

Then two days later we were just about to go furniture shopping and she text asking us to have one of the kids the following day. Again I said I'm sorry but we have made plans with friends (which we had) but we could do the next day. She replied saying couldn't do that day because the child had piano lessons so couldn't do it.

She then went to my MIL saying we were being awkward and unreasonable. That we didn't care about our nephews and we had upset them. Luckily this info came out months later otherwise I would have erupted!

So after years of trying to conceive I am pregnant. I have 7 weeks left of work but I have had a really difficult pregnancy followed by stressful appointments as I am a high risk birth due to other medical conditions I have.

Due to this I have always said I want one and only one child. Call me selfish but it's all I can handle financially, mentally and physically.

Anyways my SIL text me the other day even though we haven't spoken in months. The only time I hear from her is when she wants something..

She asks me to babysit her youngest son for half a day on a Thurs in two weeks time as she has a client she wants to cut hair for.

I kindly reply and say I would but I'm working all day so unfortunately I can't. I then get a call from my MIL to say she's just called her to CHECK I'm not lying, as she is convinced I start my maternity leave by then.

Honestly hand on heart don't, I'm at work. I just thought, you cheeky f*. Checking up on me to see if I'm telling the truth or not. After I replied saying I couldn't she then didn't even text back, even though I had tried to make friendly conversation.

Now I have awful anxiety that this is going to be a current thing. Once she knows I'm off, and off for an entire year it's going to be constant. To her she will just think why can't I, I'm at home what does it matter?

To me I've waited for this moment for a long long time. Will only do this once and have to return to my full time job in a year's time. She gets all the time in the world with her children.

Again nothing to do with the actual children, I adore them, they adore me and they are lovely but obviously like all children need a lot of attention.

AIBU to tell her no, and how do I do this without ruining the relationship. We aren't close but I would hate to fall out over this? I'm happy to look after them in emergency situations but it's so emotionally draining having to explain why or come up with excuses as to why I can't have the kids.

OP posts:
stellarfox · 08/06/2018 22:22

I think you've just got to keep saying no...they can't expect free childcare from you. How annoying! Also why is she asking you directly all the time and not your husband?

SevenStones · 08/06/2018 22:23

"Can you babysit?"

"I'm sorry, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not able to."

"But why not?"

"Because I can't."

etc etc.

I wouldn't go down the rod of giving excuses every time, it just makes it look like you have to justify yourself, when you don't.

I also like the idea of pre-empting her and telling her you won't be able to do it for a year. Not that that will stop her asking, I'm sure she'll ignore it. But every time she gets in touch just send her the email that the poster further up the thread suggested. She'll keep on, but just be a total brick wall about it.

Returnofthesmileybar · 08/06/2018 22:24

At the very next request I would nip it in the bud

"No can do, I have plans and before you call mil you need to know that there will be no babysitting at all while I am on maternity, just so you can get all the bitching out of the way in one call Grin"

HollowTalk · 08/06/2018 22:27

Why not get your husband to deal with this? He could speak to his brother about it. They seem like a couple of users, to be honest.

It's interesting, isn't it, how this sort of behaviour is not only tolerated, but is admired by others in the family?

ChevalierTialys · 08/06/2018 22:27

'No' is a complete sentence.

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 08/06/2018 22:33

I'd just say no every time and have a list of go to reasons. Doctors, dentist, seeing friends, baby groups, anything. She'll get the message.

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/06/2018 22:33

It's like they got married and had children too early on that they feel they have missed out on life.

My husband and I are very different, have lived our lives, have done and seen things we have always wanted to do

Both my husband and I work full time, quite stressful jobs

My SIL doesn't work, never has done, even before she had children. Just odd jobs here and there as she cuts hair. My BIL works full time as a plumber.

Quite judgemental aren't you? ^^ that comes across as how much better you are than your SIL.

StayingAtTamaras · 08/06/2018 22:35

@NewYearNewMe18 OP doesn't come across as judgemental to me, just setting the scene!

OP you are completely within your rights to say no, I know it's easier said than done but just say no and don't give a reason, you don't need to justify yourself and you're not her on hand babysitter. If she needs someone to look after her child whilst she works then she can find proper childcare.

Glitterbugg · 08/06/2018 22:39

Was you MIL colluding with her by checking you would be working? Or was it a case of telling you that she had rang her?
YANBU. She is CF. Unfortunately your DH’s family have set precedent now and she expects this from everyone. Just ignore any texts you want to, and reply to others that you feel like replying to. You’ll be very busy and tired soon - and probably now.
Congrats!

SickofPeterRabbit · 08/06/2018 22:40

I don't mean to miss the point of the thread, but if it is any comfort to you, over a third of pregnancies are high risk. It's an ott term really, as it just means a slightly higher risk. Anyone even slightly overweight is classed as high risk.

Also, it doesn't refer to the birth, it refers to the pregnancy. All births are high risk! It's huge, huge procedure that carries many risks.

However, being high risk during pregnancy, has no bearing on the birth. Unless you have moderate/major physical disabilities/mobility issues. Or say, a severe illness. Anyway, all I'm saying is don't rule out a further pregnancy until this one is over!

I was high risk as I'm physically disabled and the only issue during birth was the baby turning in such a way that ended up requiring forceps! Me being high risk had no bearing whatsoever. SmileThanks

Witchend · 08/06/2018 22:40

Don't answer the phone to them. Block the number ideally.

butlerswharf · 08/06/2018 22:50

Stop answering her texts! I hope you enjoy your maternity leave and baby.

KarmaStar · 08/06/2018 22:50

Don't apologise,don't explain op.say no calmly and firmly.
If she persists ask your dh to speak to his mum and say no more demands for free child care from either of them as It's making you ill.
If they still continue,I'd consider going no contact.
Wishing you every happiness with your dcFlowers

mylaptopismylapdog · 08/06/2018 23:00

Get your husband to explain that you do very well to work with your health conditions and that as this will be your only pregnancy you need to take care of yourself and no one else. When the baby is born you will need all your energy to devote to the babies and her own care and that if his mother or your sister in law in any way hassle you he will cut contact. You both deserve to enjoy the experience of having a child together without interference or stress, it is not a matter of not liking her kids it is a matter of prioritizing the health and well-being of your own family unit over giving free childcare to others!

mylaptopismylapdog · 08/06/2018 23:00

Baby’s

NataliaOsipova · 08/06/2018 23:02

Call her bluff. Seriously. She texts "Can you have the kids while I go to the shops?" - you text back "So sorry - can't - too busy with the baby. Please could you get me some nappies and milk while you're shopping?"

She asks you to have the kids while she cuts someone's hair? Answer? "Sorry, too busy with the baby - but would you mind getting x from the post office while you're on your way to the appointment?"...... etc etc.

Bibesia · 08/06/2018 23:04

With a high risk pregnancy, you're entitled to say that you are advised not to do anything other than rest whilst on maternity leave before the birth. After the birth, you will just have to go for the straight "No" approach.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/06/2018 23:13

yes she's a CF to think you'd do childcare and hound you for help

you are perfectly entitled to say no to her requests

re ringing your MIL, well - you've lied and lied by omission on a few occasions (because of her hounding). she knows. regardless of her being cheeky, that could be hurtful.

yabu to judge and be resentful of the childcare your MIL provides, mind your own on that front

Coffeeisyourfriend · 08/06/2018 23:25

Definitely she is a CF! With regards to your maternity leave and her repeating her CFery, I'd either send a polite text ahead of time asking her to not expect you to be on hand 24/7 as a babysitter as you will already have your hands full with a newborn (as she should well know with her youngest being only 2) or get your DH to text on you behalf asking her politely to leave you alone unless you text asking them all round to meet baby/have cousins spend time together, hopefully it won't cause her to burn bridges with you but you never know with these kinds of selfish people.
Maybe you or DH should speak to your MIL as well and reiterate you her that you will be too busy with your own baby (precious time and all that) to child mind as when they see fit?

Troels · 08/06/2018 23:53

Don't say sorry, don't get into explainations, she'll just come back with more reasons and ways for you to babysit. She asks you just reply No.
Or go ahead and block her.
Please can you say something to your MIL, if mine tried pulling that checking up crap on me I would not hold my tongue. You don't answer to her and you don't need to explain yourself.

Coyoacan · 09/06/2018 00:00

Yanbu. Just say no, don't apologize, don't explain

Why give excuses as she obviously doesn't believe them anyway

KC225 · 09/06/2018 02:17

You definitely have yourself a CF.

I predict an early doors show down with an NC conclusion. She will be calling you up to insisit on babysitting from the minute you start your maternity leave and from the minute you bring your Baby home. Be prepared.

I do question why your MIL would have checked of you were lying? Ianshe ha0py to babysit or is she moaning about it?

mmgirish · 09/06/2018 02:45

Wow! She is a CF. I would call her on that. How rude of her to check up on you?

NotMyFinestMoment · 09/06/2018 02:59

I would second the advice above. Firmly but politely say no, but without giving her any explanation. You do not owe her an explanation, and if you give one, she will only try to find a way around it. Basically 'sorry I'm not available' and then leave a pause in the conversation. Let her fill in the gaps.

thebewilderness · 09/06/2018 03:20

If you haven't spoken for months you don't have a relationship with SIL.
I agree that a preemptive don't ask copy to MIL is a good idea.

I think you are worried about your other family members interactions.
Your husband needs to carry the water for you with his family. If he does not know how frustrated you are with her treatment of you then that is the first discussion you need to have.