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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is she being a CF?

101 replies

Charliebob1337 · 08/06/2018 21:25

My SIL is slighter younger than I am and is married to my husband's older brother. They have been together many years before my husband and I met. They have 2 sweet boys, one is 2 years old the other is 8 years old.

Both my husband and I work full time, quite stressful jobs. My SIL doesn't work, never has done, even before she had children. Just odd jobs here and there as she cuts hair. My BIL works full time as a plumber.

They constantly rely on my husband's parents to look after their children, literally they must have them every single weekend so they can go out and drink with friends. It's like they got married and had children too early on that they feel they have missed out on life. Not only that but she dumps the kids with anyone if and when she can. She has a GP appt, dumps then. She has to pop to the shops, dumps then.

My husband and I are very different, have lived our lives, have done and seen things we have always wanted to do and see before we decided to get married and have children.

Every single time my husband and I have a week off together from work it's like a cover up mission. We try our hardest not to tell family we are on holiday because when we do, we are bombarded with texts from my SIL asking us to look after their children and try and guilt trip is by saying they miss us etc.

We have had them a few times, and have taken the older boy out for a day trip on a handful of occasions. Nothing fancy but we don't have a lot of money and as it's our week off together we like to spend time just the two of us as my husband works night shifts and we'll why shouldn't we?

One time she messaged me late the night before the first day of our holiday asking us to have the children the following day in the morning. I kindly replied and said my husband was knackered and really wanted a lie in as he hadn't had a day off in ages. She didn't reply.

Then two days later we were just about to go furniture shopping and she text asking us to have one of the kids the following day. Again I said I'm sorry but we have made plans with friends (which we had) but we could do the next day. She replied saying couldn't do that day because the child had piano lessons so couldn't do it.

She then went to my MIL saying we were being awkward and unreasonable. That we didn't care about our nephews and we had upset them. Luckily this info came out months later otherwise I would have erupted!

So after years of trying to conceive I am pregnant. I have 7 weeks left of work but I have had a really difficult pregnancy followed by stressful appointments as I am a high risk birth due to other medical conditions I have.

Due to this I have always said I want one and only one child. Call me selfish but it's all I can handle financially, mentally and physically.

Anyways my SIL text me the other day even though we haven't spoken in months. The only time I hear from her is when she wants something..

She asks me to babysit her youngest son for half a day on a Thurs in two weeks time as she has a client she wants to cut hair for.

I kindly reply and say I would but I'm working all day so unfortunately I can't. I then get a call from my MIL to say she's just called her to CHECK I'm not lying, as she is convinced I start my maternity leave by then.

Honestly hand on heart don't, I'm at work. I just thought, you cheeky f*. Checking up on me to see if I'm telling the truth or not. After I replied saying I couldn't she then didn't even text back, even though I had tried to make friendly conversation.

Now I have awful anxiety that this is going to be a current thing. Once she knows I'm off, and off for an entire year it's going to be constant. To her she will just think why can't I, I'm at home what does it matter?

To me I've waited for this moment for a long long time. Will only do this once and have to return to my full time job in a year's time. She gets all the time in the world with her children.

Again nothing to do with the actual children, I adore them, they adore me and they are lovely but obviously like all children need a lot of attention.

AIBU to tell her no, and how do I do this without ruining the relationship. We aren't close but I would hate to fall out over this? I'm happy to look after them in emergency situations but it's so emotionally draining having to explain why or come up with excuses as to why I can't have the kids.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 09/06/2018 04:04

I'd have hit the roof when MIL phoned to check whether you were lying and told them to stop bothering you and how dare they insult you and call you a liar.

Shadow666 · 09/06/2018 04:21

I think you need to cool relations with them. Of course you're not unreasonable to say no.

You don't need to make excuses either. I don't want to is reason enough.

GlitteryFluff · 09/06/2018 04:42

I also agree with a pre-emptive text.
She's definitely a CF.

Sequencedress · 09/06/2018 05:31

Change your number/block her and MIL. Let DH field any contact, and no, you’re never available.
Congrats on your baby, enjoy every moment, it goes by fast Flowers

GinIsIn · 09/06/2018 05:50

Stop giving a reason. Just “no, we aren’t available.”

flumpybear · 09/06/2018 05:59

When your baby comes you’ll be totally engrossed with all he/she needs, catching up with sleep, learning to be a mum etc so just say no, u can’t do all that with a toddler and 8 year old in tow, ive had two kids and I’d find that a struggle

Why not say ‘no I can’t but surely you can take them with you’
Mine literally have a,ways come everywhere with me apart from when I’m at work - it’s called parenting!

AhoyDelBoy · 09/06/2018 06:11

What marjorie25 said using MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood message. You absolutely have to preempt this. I don't understand why the effect on the relationship matters? She's a user and unfortunately because of that you have to take appropriate steps to ensure the health and wellbeing of your own family. It's a shame if the relationship with your DNs suffers but that's on their parents. You're not their one stop babysitting shop. I seriously could not be dealing with this running back to MIL telling takes either.

AhoyDelBoy · 09/06/2018 06:12

*tales

Cuttingthegrass · 09/06/2018 06:39

Hi OP. I would preempt also and make it clear that as your pregnancy is high risk you don't want the responsibility of looking after the children when you start maternity leave. You can say love to have them all round together but you don't feel comfortable with them on your own and you need to focus on your own strength for your baby.

if you get hassle remind MiL how much she looked after GC1 during SiL later stages of pregnancy with GC2!

And good luck with this

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2018 06:56

Your dh needs to handle this. Tell both his brother and parents her behaviour is not acceptable and you are to be allowed the peace of caring for your first and only child. If all else fails, you could consider no contact.

My brother and sil are like this. They would dump their child on us at any opportunity if we lived closer. They have no consideration for my health issues and my brother has threatened to deck me, pushed me over because he disbelieves I’m ill.

At the funeral of my stepfather, they manipulated my dh into taking their dc away. Dh had to leave shortly after to work the following day. I’d been taken ill earlier on and my brother had helped dh (with tuts and ffs etc) to get me up the stairs then he literally dropped me at the top and then walked off.

A couple of hours later, they still felt it was fine to leave their child with disabled me and the grieving widow so they could get pissed with some mates. I had to try to watch their dc as it was near open water and eventually got him to come in under the guise of dd wanting to do something else and “sharing” what we do (he had no concept of this is suspect). He recounted how my dd had wanted to play something else and sil was “you do whatever you want to do”. Then sil screamed at my dd for getting upset (not the first time) and made a scene thus being a total bitch to my dd both before and after the funeral.

We are now nc. This wasn’t the last incident with my brother but it was the straw that broke the camels back with sil.

SoftBlocks · 09/06/2018 06:59

To check you weren’t lying!

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2018 07:18

I totally disagree with the pp who said OP has "lied and lied by omission". She has not said she told any untruths at all ( "having a lie in" is not "lying!), and there's a whole world of difference between not telling people stuff (eg that you are on leave) and lying by omission. If it was something they ought to know, fair enough, but if it's none of their damn' business then there is no obligation to mention it at all.

ferrier · 09/06/2018 07:33

Absolutely no obligation to explain. But it may help to keep relations good within the family.

Could you use something like 'I really don't think I'm up to any babysitting. I'm stressed enough as it is managing my medical condition alongside having a new baby/being pregnant so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't ask me again.'?
Make sure your mil knows this too.

MipMipMip · 09/06/2018 07:39

Don't say "I don't think I'm up for babysitting" - that gives them a chance to say "no you're wrong it will be fine". You need to be more detonate- "I cannot do any babysitting at any point through my ML".

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 09/06/2018 07:47

Don’t even give her a reason. She doesn’t tend to reply when you say no so just say “sorry, can’t”. You don’t have to explain yourself and if you get into the habit of just saying no, when there are days you just don’t feel like it (Been up all night with the baby etc) you won’t have to think of a reason.

IMBU · 09/06/2018 07:52

She’s blatantly been taking advantage of you. You have your own child to think of now. She’s dumping those poor little boys on anyone given half a chance because she’s selfish. I wouldn’t mince my words and if it were me I would tell her this because I find it appalling and frankly it’s true - shame her. She needs to start being a mother to her own children. Very soon you will have a newborn baby. It is a very special time but can also be very difficult as your hormones will be all over the place, both of you will be tired, you will probably be trying to get feeding established. The last thing you will need is that silly cow texting you every five minutes stressing you out and ruining your time with your new baby. Your husband needs to read her the riot act and tell her under no uncertain terms that this has to stop. They don’t deserve those little boys. When they are all grown up they will remember being dumped on relatives and will see it for what it is. How desperately sad.

Belindabauer · 09/06/2018 07:53

Bloody hell.
I would start by telling your dh to Have a word with his brother and tell him in no uncertain terms that they can fuck off with their cheeky babysitting g requests.
The husband can take time off to look after his own dc.I

I'm fuming for you op.

StepBackNow · 09/06/2018 07:57

Agree with those who say nip it in the bud now. Say no and keep on saying no until she gets the message - and tell DH to have a word.

Ledkr · 09/06/2018 07:57

To be honest I'd probably block them! If they only ever call or text for sitters then no problem really.

eggsandwich · 09/06/2018 08:02

Why is your mil even telling you what she said, shouldn’t she of said to her well they’re not her kids to look after they’re yours, so it makes no difference whether or not she’s on maternity leave or not.

FloydWasACat · 09/06/2018 08:05

^^
What eggsandwich said

beetfarmer · 09/06/2018 08:09

Your husband should really step in here.

PussGirl · 09/06/2018 08:13

Agree with telling her before you have your baby.

MIL needs to keep her nose out.

Juells · 09/06/2018 08:16

There is no end to the CFery of CFs.

Block her. It sounds like it would be a bonus if she takes the hump. What do you care? If she asks again reply "Would you ever fuck off lol". lol means you can claim it was a joke, for goodness sake. Some people only understand rude, because it doesn't suit them to understand subtle hints or polite explanations, they'll try to get round them every way they can.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/06/2018 08:17

Quite judgemental aren't you? ^^ that comes across as how much better you are than your SIL.

Not sure how stating the facts is "judgemental".

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