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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 great dates but he never texts first

70 replies

Jhr299 · 08/06/2018 15:43

So I’m not a mum or mum to be but felt like this was the best place to get advice...

Sorry it’s a long one

I’m 24 have been dating a guy (27) We met on Bumble. He asked me out first after a few days chatting on the app. We went for drinks. We had a great time, had loads in common and talked about a huge variety of things. We slept together that night (no judgement please) and it was a bit of a typical drunken thing but still good and we had a laugh too. He dropped me home in the morning. He didn’t text me so I decided I would, just saying thanks for the lift (this was the evening of the same day he had dropped me home) and that I had a good time. He replied and in a nutshell said he had a good time too and it’d be nice to see me again. We had a couple days texting back and forth talking about general stuff, then it stopped for a day and the next day he text me asking if I’d had a good weekend and what I’d been up to. and then he asked me if I wanted to go for some food during the week, I said yes so we went for a casual dinner and some drinks. Back to mine where we then decided to go to the pub near mine, walked through the park with my dog and had a drink at the pub. Went back to mine and slept together, we were tipsy but not drunk like last time, it was really really good, he stayed the night and I dropped him home in the morning. He kissed me goodbye. After that I decided I’d let him text me first. He didn’t... do a few days later on Sunday evening I think, I text him saying good weekend? Because I’m pathetic and didn’t want that to be it.. He replied the next day, saying he did and asked about mine blah blah. I said in a light hearted way you need to up your texting game!! He then didn’t reply and I sent another text while a little tipsy saying not get all serious after 2 dates because I’m not but I do like you and thought we were having fun but from the hours/days you take to reply I guess you don’t feel the same? And I said I like honesty I’m not about games or guesswork. He replied saying I know I need to up my texting game, I like you and we are having fun. Then changed the subject to something about our last date. Then we had a few texts back and forth again about standard stuff. I went away for a weekend and text him when I got back asking how his weekend was and suggested going for drinks as I owed him some (my card wouldn’t work when I tried to get a round in las ttime) He was keen and we decided on a place and time.

So this recent date (2 days ago) was so good. We were sober to start obviously and getting on really well as we have before, good conversations, easy relaxed, we got a bit drunk and decided to get some dinner to sober up as neither of us had eaten. He paid for it and paid for more drinks than me despite me owing him a few. We were having a really nice time, he got me to play pool so it’s not like he was rushing me back to sleep with him. After that we sat and talked about the weirdness of dating apps etc. Then we decided to go back to his, discussed what we’d do as he had work in the morning and he said he’d drop me home in the morning again. We put a film on and got into bed but obviously didn’t really watch the film. The sex was really good, seems to get better every time. We just had such a nice night together, talking, spooningHmm, it sounds cringe but it just felt so natural and good. We weren’t super drunk either

We were sober the next morning and it still felt natural and no awkwardness. He dropped me home and kissed me goodbye. I said you can text me this time in a very light hearted jokey way as we’d talking about how bad he was at texting the night before. He laughed and said ok. Kissed me goodbye. I actually thought he would text. But 2 days later and he hasn’t????? I just don’t get it.

He’s said he likes me, he’s paid for food and drinks for me, he’s been on 3 dates and we’ve had pretty great sex. I know a lot of people will think that because I’ve slept with him on each date he’s just using me for that. But it’s not like I’m s booty call and he’s calling me up every time he goes out and getting me over. We have nice dates, either food or drink or both, and then even when we go back and have sex we talk and laugh and have a good time. My head is soooo confused. The first 2 dates I was ok with it, thinking I don’t know him that well, I like him but as I don’t know him wel who knows, was happy just seeing what happened. After the last date I feel like I really like him. And when we’re togrther he seems to feel the same. But why isn’t he texting me? Every other guy (2 ha) I’ve been with have been really open about how much the liked me and I didn’t really like it (I don’t think I liked them that much) but with him it’s all I want!!

Please help!

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 08/06/2018 15:48

Well you can either text him or wait and see how long it takes for him to text you. Depends how much you want to see him.

NotAnotherUserName5 · 08/06/2018 15:54

You seem to be doing more of the running.
I would leave it and see if he gets in touch.
You appear more keen on him, than he is of you.

Porridgeprincess · 08/06/2018 15:56

I would text, and the next time you meet, make a plan for the next date and that way no need to stress it as much then as it sounds like ye have clicked!

My fella wasn't a great texter, I now realise that is a good thing as I had done the OLD thing with so many who would text far too much !!

Canwejustrelaxnow · 08/06/2018 16:01

I wouldn't text. I always found that if men were interested you couldn't get rid of them.

I also regret texting so much in relationship s and think it would have been better to speak to each other.

SaucyJack · 08/06/2018 16:09

I think if he's playing frustrating/destructive games that are upsetting you when you're only three dates in, then you should bow out now before you stuck in a miserable relationship with him.

This is his best behaviour, presumably- and it isn't good enough.

Go and find a bloke who wishes to communicate like a respectful adult.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 08/06/2018 16:09

It really depends on how important texting is to you. To me it is important as I need communication between dates and without it it drives me mad. I couldn't be with someone who didn't text me every day as I'd be constantly second guessing him. In the past I've had good dates but had to let things fizzle out because of this very issue. If you can handle this level of texting then great, carry on as you are but if not just don't get back in touch and see what happens. I'd be doing the latter xx

Butterymuffin · 08/06/2018 16:13

Why not arrange another date at the end of the previous one?
If everything else is good but he doesn't text a lot, that seems manageable to me. You may feel differently of course. From your post he did text asking for the next date at one point - it just seems now to have settled into you doing it. Try waiting this time for him to text?

mintich · 08/06/2018 16:18

Seems to me it's just a casual thing that won't go anywhere. I've had them before and knew that's what it was going to be from that sort of behaviour between dates. I'd say if you are looking for a relationship, them look elsewhere. But if not and you are happy having fun, then just cool off the texting and let him text you instead

SnowGoArea · 08/06/2018 16:29

I do get the frustration and I also hate game playing, but at the same time I'm not sure I'd be very pleased if someone I'd been on three dates with was complaining to me that I didn't text them enough...

Catastrophik · 08/06/2018 16:35

Similar happened to me recently, Op, but I’m slightly younger than you and still at university. Once I stopped messaging, so did he, and that was that, never heard from him again after 10 dates!! In the beginning he always did the running though but one day he dropped me home and never messaged unprompted again.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/06/2018 16:35

Oh come on he's either:

  1. game playing
  1. totally not bothered, but when you text he's reminded of you and thinks 'oh yes, bit of sex, that will be nice'

Don't text and you'll never hear from him again, I'd wager.

HungerOfThePine · 08/06/2018 16:38

I'm getting casual sex vibes but then I'm looking at it from my perspective in that I'm in the exact kind of relationship where we date like go out drink, eat or see an event and then dtd or just hook up if time is limited, We enjoy each others company clearly and like each other as people.

But he doesn't txt me everyday and neither do I and if he does then it's to lead up to meeting,It doesn't bother me.

There was a week or two where I thought I could develop deeper feelings for him(I really could) but I processed it/packed it away and decided whether I could carry on with it..

The difference I think is that mine has made it clear he will be leaving my city in a few months so indirectly saying its a casual thing.

In the nicest way it's kind of needy to pick someone up on their texting game your expectations are different and you probably need to decide if that is for you or not but I also recommend talking/fishing on what his relationship dating goals are. Then you will have your answer.

sonjadog · 08/06/2018 16:39

I would leave it up to him now. See when he texts and how long it takes. If it turns out to be just a couple of days, then maybe that is okay. If it turns out to be a week, then you know he isn´t that into you. If it turns out that he never texts again, well you have your answer there.

Jhr299 · 08/06/2018 16:49

I didn’t say anything about how much he texts me it was more about how long he takes to text me back! And it was all light hearted, nothing about him not texting me first or anything

OP posts:
Jhr299 · 08/06/2018 16:51

But is he really buying us drinks and dinner for ‘bit of sex, that’ll be nice’ As I said when we’ve spent the night together it’s never felt like seedy one night stand ‘just’ sex? If that makes sense? I totally get why people would think he was just after that and I would too if it wasn’t for how it was when we’re togeher

OP posts:
sonjadog · 08/06/2018 16:55

It´s impossible for anyone here to say how he views you. But, if he is really into you, then he will make sure you are in regular contact. If he doesn't contact you, then no matter what he is like when you get together, he isn´t that into you or into having a relationship at all. I´d give it a few days because some people are not great texters (I'm not, it can go days for me to respond), but if it goes on for longer then I would begin to be skeptical. I think that is someone is really into someone else, then they want contact with them.

PrettyLovely · 08/06/2018 16:58

I think by the sounds of it he's just not that into you.
I wouldn't bother.

RestingBitchFaced · 08/06/2018 17:06

I would leave it, you have already told him you want him to text - he didn't so take the hint (sorry, that sounds harsh)

StopPOP · 08/06/2018 17:07

I wouldn't text him either.

AdaColeman · 08/06/2018 17:08

He's probably got two or three of you on the go at the same time, and he's dodging between you.

So that's why he doesn't text back immediately, he's waiting to see if he gets a better offer.

He's certainly a player, he may be married or in a relationship, but still wants to play the field.

Don't contact him, get on wit your life.

alltalknobaby · 08/06/2018 17:16

He's not that into you.

Pompom42 · 08/06/2018 17:16

I wouldn't text him and see what happens. As hurtful as it is I think the ball is in his court so to speak. I personally hate things like this, so understand how frustrating it is for you.

LittleMermaidRose · 08/06/2018 17:21

I know it's hard, but try not to text! Seems to me like he does like you a lot but maybe isn't after anything serious? Sorry to say that, it is just weird that he never texts you first

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 08/06/2018 17:25

Hurtful as this may sound- he’s just not that into you- and it sucks.

I’ve been the non-texting person in this type of thing (through internet dating as well) and would happily pay one time, they would the next. watch films go on walks, hook up. Never felt the need to text them first as they were the one texting me, and whilst it was nice it would soon become apparent what I saw as a casual thing that was mutually enjoyable but wasn’t going anywhere, they saw prospects. I’d then have to end it because it wasn’t fair.

I’ve also been the one doing the texting in this scenario and to find out they don’t have the same ideas as I did... Feels like being kicked in the metaphorical balls.

I wouldn’t text him, see what happens; but, if it’s driving you nuts, just ask him.

ChevalierTialys · 08/06/2018 17:25

Personally I'd wait and see how long it takes him to get it touch. Cool it a bit on your side, you sound a bit full on.

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