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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

3 great dates but he never texts first

70 replies

Jhr299 · 08/06/2018 15:43

So I’m not a mum or mum to be but felt like this was the best place to get advice...

Sorry it’s a long one

I’m 24 have been dating a guy (27) We met on Bumble. He asked me out first after a few days chatting on the app. We went for drinks. We had a great time, had loads in common and talked about a huge variety of things. We slept together that night (no judgement please) and it was a bit of a typical drunken thing but still good and we had a laugh too. He dropped me home in the morning. He didn’t text me so I decided I would, just saying thanks for the lift (this was the evening of the same day he had dropped me home) and that I had a good time. He replied and in a nutshell said he had a good time too and it’d be nice to see me again. We had a couple days texting back and forth talking about general stuff, then it stopped for a day and the next day he text me asking if I’d had a good weekend and what I’d been up to. and then he asked me if I wanted to go for some food during the week, I said yes so we went for a casual dinner and some drinks. Back to mine where we then decided to go to the pub near mine, walked through the park with my dog and had a drink at the pub. Went back to mine and slept together, we were tipsy but not drunk like last time, it was really really good, he stayed the night and I dropped him home in the morning. He kissed me goodbye. After that I decided I’d let him text me first. He didn’t... do a few days later on Sunday evening I think, I text him saying good weekend? Because I’m pathetic and didn’t want that to be it.. He replied the next day, saying he did and asked about mine blah blah. I said in a light hearted way you need to up your texting game!! He then didn’t reply and I sent another text while a little tipsy saying not get all serious after 2 dates because I’m not but I do like you and thought we were having fun but from the hours/days you take to reply I guess you don’t feel the same? And I said I like honesty I’m not about games or guesswork. He replied saying I know I need to up my texting game, I like you and we are having fun. Then changed the subject to something about our last date. Then we had a few texts back and forth again about standard stuff. I went away for a weekend and text him when I got back asking how his weekend was and suggested going for drinks as I owed him some (my card wouldn’t work when I tried to get a round in las ttime) He was keen and we decided on a place and time.

So this recent date (2 days ago) was so good. We were sober to start obviously and getting on really well as we have before, good conversations, easy relaxed, we got a bit drunk and decided to get some dinner to sober up as neither of us had eaten. He paid for it and paid for more drinks than me despite me owing him a few. We were having a really nice time, he got me to play pool so it’s not like he was rushing me back to sleep with him. After that we sat and talked about the weirdness of dating apps etc. Then we decided to go back to his, discussed what we’d do as he had work in the morning and he said he’d drop me home in the morning again. We put a film on and got into bed but obviously didn’t really watch the film. The sex was really good, seems to get better every time. We just had such a nice night together, talking, spooningHmm, it sounds cringe but it just felt so natural and good. We weren’t super drunk either

We were sober the next morning and it still felt natural and no awkwardness. He dropped me home and kissed me goodbye. I said you can text me this time in a very light hearted jokey way as we’d talking about how bad he was at texting the night before. He laughed and said ok. Kissed me goodbye. I actually thought he would text. But 2 days later and he hasn’t????? I just don’t get it.

He’s said he likes me, he’s paid for food and drinks for me, he’s been on 3 dates and we’ve had pretty great sex. I know a lot of people will think that because I’ve slept with him on each date he’s just using me for that. But it’s not like I’m s booty call and he’s calling me up every time he goes out and getting me over. We have nice dates, either food or drink or both, and then even when we go back and have sex we talk and laugh and have a good time. My head is soooo confused. The first 2 dates I was ok with it, thinking I don’t know him that well, I like him but as I don’t know him wel who knows, was happy just seeing what happened. After the last date I feel like I really like him. And when we’re togrther he seems to feel the same. But why isn’t he texting me? Every other guy (2 ha) I’ve been with have been really open about how much the liked me and I didn’t really like it (I don’t think I liked them that much) but with him it’s all I want!!

Please help!

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 08/06/2018 17:34

I'm older than you OP (40), but if a man likes you he won't wait for you to get in touch. That was always my experience. I guess some men like to play it cool and maybe it's different these days? Ask yourself if you're attracted to this kind of flaky behaviour?

HollowTalk · 08/06/2018 17:38

The problem is that you're having sex too soon. If you meet someone you like it's much better to wait a while. I know I'll get shouted down for this and I've done exactly the same as you in the past, with the same results. It seems counterintuitive to say "if you don't like them much, feel free to have sex with them, but if you do like them a lot, don't" but that's often the way it works.

bluedabadeedabadoo · 08/06/2018 18:45

I always remember a statement made by a guy I dated 'the ones who have sex on the first date are not the keepers'.

TheFifthKey · 08/06/2018 18:50

I think he is - basically - just after sex and knows he’ll get it from you. But men are human too and he wants to feel like it’s more than just a random hookup - he clearly enjoys the meal and drinks part of the date in the moment, that’s why he pays and takes you out. But in all honesty it seems like you’re just not on his mind when you’re apart, and so I’d say he’s not that into you. He’s not a scum bag or a player either - he’d be leading you on and sweet talking you if he was. He’s just taking what he thinks you’re offering, because you do keep offering it!

Back off, don’t text, line up other dates. He might realise he liked you and get back in touch, but probably not.

Firstnameterms · 08/06/2018 19:01

Ok, he likes your company and is happy to treat you and buy food because he has a good time. He is not looking for a relationship. I doubt he is solely using you but he is just interested in going out, having a good time with good company and some sex. His generosity with money doesn’t signal that he wants a relationship.

Also, you say that you kept your comments about texting light hearted...I’m pretty sure he will have twigged that you weren’t really being light hearted. If he was into you he would be contacting you first, especially as he has no doubt that you like him.
I dated one of these once. He just wanted a summer fling but I adored him. He treated me beautifully right up until he ditched me! I was young and naive. Sigh.

userabcname · 08/06/2018 19:06

It shouldn't be this hard after only 3 dates OP. Honestly. You're already analysing everything and second-guessing. Regardless of what he wants, this isn't what you want. Time to move on.

1Wanda1 · 08/06/2018 19:10

I am a bit older than you OP (40s) and I agree with some of the other posters: this is a casual thing for him. He likes your company but it seems as though when you part company, you're not on his mind any more. He may well be dating other people. You've told him you'd like him to be more pro-active, he hasn't changed his behaviour.

I spent a long time in the dating wilderness and did a lot of the overthinking you are doing. In reality I think it is as simple as: if he's really into you, he'll be in touch all the time, and if he isn't, he won't be.

If you can enjoy it for what it is, do. If not, don't.

Laiste · 08/06/2018 19:15

There’s only one way to find out what would happen if you didn’t bother doing all the running .....

HellenaHandbasket · 08/06/2018 19:16

You've mentioned the texting thing,and he hasn't picked up your cue. Why chase it? If he wanted to see you he would be in touch surely?

Of course, if you want to see him and aren't worried about knowing his intentions etc then it doesn't really matter, just message when you like but don't obsess about whether he does too.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 08/06/2018 19:16

Id wait for him to text next time, and I’d he doesn’t then just forget him. In reading this it seems like he’s not interested in anything serious but when you text him he thinks “Oh good, more sex without any effort on my part.” I have been in your position before and I hated the feeling of not knowing where I stood

donquixotedelamancha · 08/06/2018 19:20

But why isn’t he texting me?

I don't chat by text. This is not an uncommon thing for blokes. I would make a bit of an effort for a lass I like, but I would not suddenly start sending lots of texts. It could simply be that.

But is he really buying us drinks and dinner for ‘bit of sex, that’ll be nice’

Is he always buying the dinner and drinks? If so, then of course he may think he is just paying for sex. Some blokes are dicks. If you want a relationship of equals then you both need to be paying at such an early stage.

The problem is that you're having sex too soon.

That is absolutely not the problem. OP can have sex at whatever point she wants- as long as just sex is what she really wants. It might well turn into a relationship and he might be into her; but she shouldn't assume that, just because the sex is good.

The bit that makes me think it's not a long term proposition is the one way transfer of funds. I think a lot of men put a specific interpretation on that.

Fruitcorner123 · 08/06/2018 19:25

But is he really buying us drinks and dinner for ‘bit of sex, that’ll be nice

I think on balance, based on what you've posted he probably is. Sorry. I am all for equality in relationships and don't believe that the man should do all the chasing but it does sound like he isn't that bothered and is just reminded of you when you text him.

I would wait and see if he texts. Give him a couple more days then write him off and move on.

Nikephorus · 08/06/2018 19:26

Just because something starts off very casual doesn't mean it can't become serious. And not everyone feels the need to text a lot. Maybe he's just trying not to rush things, maybe he's been burned before, maybe all sorts of things. Not rushing to text you doesn't mean he's game-playing, not into you, using you for sex, has several women on the go or any of the other scenarios that some posters on here rush to provide (presumably because their lives are dull & meaningless and they're jealous of anyone else having something to smile about).
You're having good fun, good sex, he's interested when you text him - why not just go with that for now and see what happens. And like a PP said - set a next date at the end of one. There's no rush (unless your biological clock is ticking fast & you're desperate to settle down quick!) - enjoy what you've got because, lack of quick texts aside, it's sounds fun.

HarshingMyMellow · 08/06/2018 20:36

Could he possibly be seeing someone else on the side?

It could be anything but I wouldn't be overly investing at this stage when you don't know the possibilities.
Hope it all works out ok for you.

blueshoes · 08/06/2018 22:39

My dh is not a texter. In fact when he goes on business trips, if I don't email or text him to find out if he is alive, he will gladly go 4-5 days without communicating with me.

When we first started dating, we did not exchange a lot of texts, but when he did call/text, it was also to arrange another date. I knew he was keen and a keeper.

If a guy is keen, he will want to see you again. He is thinking of the next date even before you said goodbye. You deserve that. Don't sell yourself short.

I agree with others not to text anymore.

caraway33 · 08/06/2018 23:28

don’t text don’t text don’t text don’t text don’t text don’t text don’t text

JELLYFISHANDCHIPS · 09/06/2018 14:32

I'm in my 40s and I'd say the only way you'll know is if you don't text him. I know it's hard because you think he's a good guy and you enjoy being with him and you'll keep giving him a chance because you don't want it to stop. But if he likes you, he'll bother to text. And if he doesn't, he won't. I wouldn't worry about the sex bit. In that you can have sex with someone whenever you want to. But if you want to know if he really wants to see you as much as you want to see him, leave him alone and let him be in touch with you. If you're too available then he has to make no effort then you'll never know how he feels.

Queenoftheblitz · 09/06/2018 14:52

On all 3 dates you've both been a bit pissed. That's not a great way to get to know each other.

You really need to not contact him again but let him contact you.

Andthenshesaid · 09/06/2018 14:59

He’s not that into you.

However please ignore the shit about sex on the first date. Have sex whenever YOU want to. I hate hate HATE this bollocks that even if you feel like sex (not becuase you want someone to like you, but because YOU fancy a shag) that there is something wrong with it.

Sex is not a bargaining chip you keep until you’ve had enough attention or dinners bought for you.

HarshingMyMellow · 09/06/2018 19:00

@Andthenshesaid couldn't agree more!!

Ifonlyfor1day · 09/06/2018 19:10

I agree have sex when you want. It sounds like he is probably still keeping an open mind. It may still work out great for you both but let him do the calling. He sounds fickle.

Polarbearflavour · 09/06/2018 20:27

DP used to go for days without texting between dates. We now live together. He is just really bad at messaging anybody back.

smashyourglasses · 09/06/2018 20:33

Not sure why you believe you 'owe' a man drinks Confused

ChevalierTialys · 09/06/2018 20:37

Hows it going @Jhr299? Has he text you yet?

4n20Blackbirds · 09/06/2018 20:48

Back off and see what he does