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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 great dates but he never texts first

70 replies

Jhr299 · 08/06/2018 15:43

So I’m not a mum or mum to be but felt like this was the best place to get advice...

Sorry it’s a long one

I’m 24 have been dating a guy (27) We met on Bumble. He asked me out first after a few days chatting on the app. We went for drinks. We had a great time, had loads in common and talked about a huge variety of things. We slept together that night (no judgement please) and it was a bit of a typical drunken thing but still good and we had a laugh too. He dropped me home in the morning. He didn’t text me so I decided I would, just saying thanks for the lift (this was the evening of the same day he had dropped me home) and that I had a good time. He replied and in a nutshell said he had a good time too and it’d be nice to see me again. We had a couple days texting back and forth talking about general stuff, then it stopped for a day and the next day he text me asking if I’d had a good weekend and what I’d been up to. and then he asked me if I wanted to go for some food during the week, I said yes so we went for a casual dinner and some drinks. Back to mine where we then decided to go to the pub near mine, walked through the park with my dog and had a drink at the pub. Went back to mine and slept together, we were tipsy but not drunk like last time, it was really really good, he stayed the night and I dropped him home in the morning. He kissed me goodbye. After that I decided I’d let him text me first. He didn’t... do a few days later on Sunday evening I think, I text him saying good weekend? Because I’m pathetic and didn’t want that to be it.. He replied the next day, saying he did and asked about mine blah blah. I said in a light hearted way you need to up your texting game!! He then didn’t reply and I sent another text while a little tipsy saying not get all serious after 2 dates because I’m not but I do like you and thought we were having fun but from the hours/days you take to reply I guess you don’t feel the same? And I said I like honesty I’m not about games or guesswork. He replied saying I know I need to up my texting game, I like you and we are having fun. Then changed the subject to something about our last date. Then we had a few texts back and forth again about standard stuff. I went away for a weekend and text him when I got back asking how his weekend was and suggested going for drinks as I owed him some (my card wouldn’t work when I tried to get a round in las ttime) He was keen and we decided on a place and time.

So this recent date (2 days ago) was so good. We were sober to start obviously and getting on really well as we have before, good conversations, easy relaxed, we got a bit drunk and decided to get some dinner to sober up as neither of us had eaten. He paid for it and paid for more drinks than me despite me owing him a few. We were having a really nice time, he got me to play pool so it’s not like he was rushing me back to sleep with him. After that we sat and talked about the weirdness of dating apps etc. Then we decided to go back to his, discussed what we’d do as he had work in the morning and he said he’d drop me home in the morning again. We put a film on and got into bed but obviously didn’t really watch the film. The sex was really good, seems to get better every time. We just had such a nice night together, talking, spooning, it sounds cringe but it just felt so natural and good. We weren’t super drunk either

We were sober the next morning and it still felt natural and no awkwardness. He dropped me home and kissed me goodbye. I said you can text me this time in a very light hearted jokey way as we’d talking about how bad he was at texting the night before. He laughed and said ok. Kissed me goodbye. I actually thought he would text. But 2 days later and he hasn’t????? I just don’t get it.

He’s said he likes me, he’s paid for food and drinks for me, he’s been on 3 dates and we’ve had pretty great sex. I know a lot of people will think that because I’ve slept with him on each date he’s just using me for that. But it’s not like I’m s booty call and he’s calling me up every time he goes out and getting me over. We have nice dates, either food or drink or both, and then even when we go back and have sex we talk and laugh and have a good time. My head is soooo confused. The first 2 dates I was ok with it, thinking I don’t know him that well, I like him but as I don’t know him wel who knows, was happy just seeing what happened. After the last date I feel like I really like him. And when we’re togrther he seems to feel the same. But why isn’t he texting me? Every other guy (2 ha) I’ve been with have been really open about how much the liked me and I didn’t really like it (I don’t think I liked them that much) but with him it’s all I want!!

Please help!

OP posts:

lizzie1970a · 09/06/2018 21:19

"He replied saying I know I need to up my texting game, I like you and we are having fun." I think the bit at the end about having fun is what it's all about to him - it's casual and that's that. You're not his girlfriend, perhaps he's seeing more than one person. I think if you keep mentioning the texting thing he'll ghost you completely. If you want more and he doesn't then it's for you to decide if you want to keep seeing him or not.

Jaxtellerswife · 09/06/2018 21:23

If he's really into you, it will be obvious. At the moment it sounds like you're a shag when he feels like it

Butterflykissess · 09/06/2018 21:47

Could he possibly be seeing someone else on the side? it sounds like the op is the one on the side.

Martinimonster · 09/06/2018 22:23

Doesn't sound like he wants a relationship, just keeping things casual. He doesn't want to text you he's made that clear.
I couldn't be arsed with it I would leave it.

saltedliquorice · 09/06/2018 22:39

I wouldn’t text. I don’t think he’s sure what he wants and by keep texting your more likely to turn him off put him off longer term. Please let him think about it for awhile. If he does text you don’t be too available on the first date he suggests (even if your only staying in to watch tv).
In my experience men like to do the chasing and it doesn’t work longer term if they are being chased.
If you just want sex and nothing more from him ever text away.

Cheerymom · 09/06/2018 22:56

He sounds like 'fuck buddy material' had something similar that had that pattern for two years, until I stopped it. he was married within three months.

Original poster

Jhr299 · 09/06/2018 23:00

Yeah I’ve decided to leave it now. I may have drunk text him when I was out last night just saying are you out tonight? (I don’t think I’ve ever drunk text a guy before) and he never replied so i can’t see him being that bothered. I’ve been single for a while and I think I feel like I like him more because i like the idea of having someone etc. We’ve been at least a little tipsy almost all the time we’ve spent together too other than starts of dates/mornings, so I think that always makes you like someone more! It’s a shame as I was kinda excited about it but I want someone who’ll make the effort. Thanks for all the advice!

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 09/06/2018 23:06

you deserve someone who makes the effort too. Just keep strong and don't text again, maybe even delete his no. (but keep it written somewhere just in case)

JuicySwan · 09/06/2018 23:07

You’re best off out of it. He’s a player.

SaucyJack · 09/06/2018 23:15

Do just delete his number now.

If he genuinely wants you, he knows what to do.

You've done your bit.

Butterflykissess · 09/06/2018 23:22

doesnt all this "he didnt reply" not scream he isnt interested and merely responds when he is horny?

bluebell34567 · 09/06/2018 23:34

'I like you and we are having fun' that is what he sees and I dont think it will change. (the clues are like that, in small sentences-these are the red flags)
and i dont think he will text if you stop texting and if he does it will be for one more fun time.
pls dont text anymore and keep your dignity, move on.

bluebell34567 · 09/06/2018 23:36

maybe even delete his no. (but keep it written somewhere just in case)

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 09/06/2018 23:47

Pl do not text this man again- delete his number. You are a hook up mid week. He busy at weekends. Thats fone if you are having fun, but you are thinking of a relationship. FWIW i agree that, if you like the man, and you think it might end up being serious, don't have sex on the first date...wait until the second! Enjoy the natural progression of the process of growing intimacy. I had a friend who wanted to 'get it out of the wzy ASAP' but i enjoy the getting to know and like you stage.

pinkdelight · 10/06/2018 11:48

"On all 3 dates you've both been a bit pissed. That's not a great way to get to know each other."

And tipsy when texting. I'd give it a break, unless you really want someone to get drunk and have sex with. That set-up doesn't have to be 'seedy' to be casual. Men (and women) can be nice company and nice the morning after while still having zero interesting in a relationship.

ellephant · 10/06/2018 11:59

I could have written this op. Seems a similar situation to what I'm going through. No real advice but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Me and the guy I'm seeing agreed to go on a date this week. Since I've always initiated, this time I've left it to him to arrange. He hasn't bothered.
Don't text him, if he likes you he would be giving you a little more attention outside of when you're seeing each other. Move on and find someone who actually wants to talk to you and see you

LanguidLobster · 10/06/2018 12:02

Obviously it's a disappointment but sounds like you're on different pages.

Second delete his number, if he texts again then you'll know who it is. Be wary of falling into a FWB if you have feelings.

ChevalierTialys · 10/06/2018 19:27

Good for you OP, don't settle for someone who is only half interested!

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 10/06/2018 19:40

I said in a light hearted way you need to up your texting game!! He then didn’t reply and I sent another text while a little tipsy saying not get all serious after 2 dates because I’m not but I do like you and thought we were having fun but from the hours/days you take to reply I guess you don’t feel the same? And I said I like honesty I’m not about games or guesswork.

Trust me, none of this comes across as ‘light hearted’, it’s scary intense/invested for three dates in! at that point you should be keeping a clear head and seeing how it goes, and seeing whether he is worth seeing more of, not trying to change him or force him into acting more interested.

He was interested in seeing you casually, sometimes it’s just nice to go out and have fun with someone and obviously you both wanted and enjoyed the sex too. For him it wasn’t going anywhere and I think he’d have been fine never seeing you again at any point in the process. All of this ‘but he went out with me and bought dinner etc’ stuff isn’t relevant: I have had lovely dates and even sex with men who are nice enough and I’m into enough to do those things while knowing very clearly that I didn’t like them for anything more or anything deeper. Not every liason has to be a love affair.

I know you’ll cringe at this but please read ‘he’s just not that into you’. It’s a decent book and you need it if you’re gonna keep dating.

When someone is interested they’ll be messaging, setting up dates, asking when you’re free. When someone is into you you won’t have to ask or wonder, it’ll be clear! Learn to not settle for anything less!

Oakleygirl · 10/06/2018 19:58

I started seeing a guy like this last year. We're still seeing each other and have reached a point where we like each other's company but neither of us want anything serious. If either of us were stressing or getting upset about texting then it wouldn't work (I did stress in the early days - a lot). I sometimes text him if I've not heard from him for over a week, but usually he texts when he has time to spend with me. It works, somehow.

Try to relax about the texting levels, let him come forward when he feels like it. Live your life and if you want to spend time with him when he finally texts you, then do. But if you find yourself getting upset or anxious then it may be time to let him go. Good luck OP.

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