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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it unreasonable to leave someone for their political views?

78 replies

MrsCD67 · 07/06/2018 21:11

DD's boyfriend is far-right and it concerns me that he has such intolerant beliefs.
However, they are his beliefs and just as he respects our beliefs, is he entitled to respect for his beliefs even though they seem completely wrong to me?
Obviously this is DD's decision but it does concern me.
What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
MakeMeAFloozy · 07/06/2018 23:26

The thing about people at the hateful end of the spectrum is that they are often very ignorant about the groups they complain about. That ignorance should be enough to put any intelligent person off.

itsBritneyBeach · 07/06/2018 23:29

I have ended things with someone for this exact reason before - he was a lovely man, perfect in every way until Brexit was announced and he said "good, I'm sick of all these foreigners" further discussion of views showed that he also believed benefits should be scrapped, and women should not be paid the same as men. I have never jumped in my car and reversed faster Grin

Ohyesiam · 07/06/2018 23:30

Political views are an extrapolation of what is in the heart. Of course it’s reasonable to leave down meone if you don’t respect their views, otherwise what is a relationship?

danci · 07/06/2018 23:36

You can advise her that relationships rarely work when there are fundamental differences of opinions on important issues like politics. You can also tell her that if he is advocating things like violence that may well end up focused on her at some point.

Plus if he is actively far right, she may find that her association with him might put her on the radar of the security services which could prevent her from taking up certain jobs in the future and give her problems if she is applying for visas to visit places like the US.

Plus if he is involved in illegal activities like disseminating hate speech she could unwittingly find herself involved in a criminal investigation.

You can tell her all these things and counsel her that you think it is a bad idea and may cause big problems for her. But ultimately it’s up to her whether she stays with him or not.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/06/2018 23:48

I once had a first date woth a guy who told me on the way out that he didn't believe in mixed race relationships because essentially we should stick to our own. I needed him for the lift back and do changed the subject, didn't challenge, sat through a few hours date then once home never spoke to him again. I really wish I'd had the guts to challenge him Blush

Lockheart · 07/06/2018 23:52

My boyfriend is very left-wing; a hardcore Corbynista who is heavily involved in local politics (goes campaigning, is in reserve for his local council etc) and one day wants to run for MP.

I usually only get involved in politics at election time and I tend to vote Lib Dem or Conservatives.

It depends how highly you value your politics over the myriad of other things that attract you to a person.

If your DD likes this boy then politics will make no difference at the moment. I’d just let her get on with it.

PickAChew · 07/06/2018 23:53

It's up there in the primary reasons to leave someone, IMO.

TheMonkeyMummy · 07/06/2018 23:57

I personally couldn't. What if you had a family together. Could you reasonably present a united front and set a good example for any future children?

missperegrinespeculiar · 08/06/2018 00:09

I would be devastated if my DCs were to date somebody on the far right, I would feel like I had failed miserably to teach them about respect, equality and acceptance of difference, I would do my utmost to keep open conversations with them and try to figure out what was going on, I wouldn't give up on my DC no matter what they did, but I would find this very, very hard

Of course everybody is "entitled to their opinion" but that does not mean all opinions are equally deserving of respect, if by far right you mean xenophobic, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, against democracy and all the other lovely things found in that ideology then I feel your DD should be ashamed of herself for associating with him

yes, he has a right to free speech (as long as he is not inciting actual violence!) but we also have the right not to associate with him because of his opinions, the fact that your DD choses to be his partner would make me worry that her own political opinions either already are more extreme then you think or that they will shortly become so

are you sure that her objections to migrants genuinely are about legality, or is she one of those people who will say, "I am not racist, but..."? usually a pretty sure sign that the person speaking is indeed racist!

Also, do they actually know what they are talking about? because very often people will bleat on about unregulated migration without realising that actually seeking asylum is an international right recognised in law, and that coming to the UK without papers to seek asylum is not illegal AT ALL!

In fact, do you know who the main group of "illegals" are often in Australia? Brits who overstay their working or holiday visas! But who is in detention? asylum seekers who have done nothing wrong by arriving by boat to seek asylum (and in most cases have done nothing wrong at all!), and have in fact, just exercised their rights! Great example of how to manage migration indeed!

twattymctwatterson · 08/06/2018 00:31

Define far right. If his views are racist, homophobic, misogynist etc then of course he's entitled to them but I'd be horrified that my DD was involved with someone like that. I'd also be worried that my daughter, with her right wing views, was actually hiding the fact that she agreed with him.

Gemini69 · 08/06/2018 00:35

I'm confused OP.. what are you actually asking ? how can you leave him... if you're not in a relationship with him. it's your daughters relationship right? she shares his views yes ? not sure what you can do OP.. maybe don't have him round etc..

madcatladyforever · 08/06/2018 00:37

Its sad. On facebook lifelong friends booted each other off for not voting their side or not voting for their party. Strikes me as rigid and intolerant.

Gemini69 · 08/06/2018 00:39

Its sad. On facebook lifelong friends booted each other off for not voting their side or not voting for their party. Strikes me as rigid and intolerant

I don't use FB but I do recall the great fall out... and I agree... it got pretty nasty indeed ... on all sides... Flowers

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/06/2018 00:51

A person can leave a relationship for whatever reason they so choose. But it is their choice not yours. How far right are his views? Can you just not talk politics when you see him.

I think it's a big jump from having such views to being on the security radar. As an aside I know a fair number of Labour voters who happened to vote for Brexit, not all brevet voters are racist some based their decision on things other than immigration.

Smallhorse · 08/06/2018 00:52

Yes they are both perfectly entitled to choose to leave the other due to intolerance if the other' beliefs.
It works both ways and it's completely their business

Monty27 · 08/06/2018 00:53

How old are they OP?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 08/06/2018 00:54

It's hard to say without knowing exactly what he says's and does. If he greets you with a Heil Hitler each evening then YANUB.

annandale · 08/06/2018 01:08

Realistically one of them will change to be more like the other, and it is at least 50/50 that it will be your DD who becomes more right-wing. It is quite likely that at least some of the time it will be very difficult to draw the line between 'keeping the peace' and supinely letting vile shite be talked in your own house.

However, i don't see what you can do about this. Maybe set the boundaries now? If he/she states things that you find abhorrent, tell him so and that you think he is wrong.

Monty27 · 08/06/2018 01:21

Not necessarily Annandale.
It depends on life experiences if they are young.
Maturity may change both of their views.

Kursk · 08/06/2018 01:21

He is entitled to his views, just as you are. Your DD can take the relationship as a learning opportunity.

Personally as a libertarian I would struggle if DH was a Liberal

Monty27 · 08/06/2018 01:26

Erm what's the difference there Kursk?
Do tell. In one short sentence please. It is very late. However I have a slight intrigue as I have never heard of it. Hmm

VanGoghsDog · 08/06/2018 01:29

I left ex partly cos he voted for Brexit. Should have left him four years earlier when he joined UKIP.

caroldecker · 08/06/2018 01:30

Maybe your DD agrees with him,but does not tell you.

peasooper · 08/06/2018 01:37

*Ohyesiam Thu 07-Jun-18 23:30:00

Political views are an extrapolation of what is in the heart*

This ^^ one hundred fold.

She might find his views 'harmless' whilst they seem theoretical and they are in their little bubble, but once she sees the reality of the nasty bastard in action in the wider world, and probably towards her one day, hopefully her eyes will be opened.

tenaciousD · 08/06/2018 01:40

Far anything is an issue. However, DH used to vote Labour and I we've been married a long time. I have been called a 'Tory enabler' recently. I think that's just how entrenched and polarised people are becoming. Tolerance and intelligence to understand differing opinions is sorely missed.

Where does moderate right end and far right begin? How can so many people say he's a homophobic racist bigot (oh, and hates women in one poster's experience) when they have no idea?

The far left are pretty hateful too. Honestly, the centre left are quite fucked at the moment.

@Petitepamplemousse - Godwin's Law?