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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want another baby with my exh

99 replies

Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 20:33

Hi i have 2 dc with my ex h who i broke up from 4 years ago. Recently ive really been wanting to have another baby but would want all my children to have the same father. If i was to have another child id be doing all the work as i do now and i fully expect this to continue in the same way so aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 22:27

No i had a partner who i loved and still love very much after my husband but unfortunately he passed away over a year one night while we was sleeping. I doubt i will never find that love in a partner ever again but im grateful for that very loving period of my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 22:28

*Over a year ago

OP posts:

Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 22:37

In which case OP I would definitely wait. I think your yearning for a baby could be to fill the gap of your partner whom you lost. You are still grieving, give yourself time. A baby will not fill the need you have. I think this is hugely relevant here and a factor which will change the way many of the posters here have responded.
I am so sorry.

Myheartbelongsto · 07/06/2018 23:10

I think you need counselling op. Your idea is insane to be honest.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 08/06/2018 00:04

op is basically just using a known sperm donor.

It's nothing like using a sperm donor FFS! Sperm donors are anonymous and unaware if their sperm leads to a child being born. This man will know and will see the child as he is parent to their siblings, he can't just ignore that even if the OP wanted him too. Honestly this all sounds very selfish and not considerate of any of the children involved at all

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 08/06/2018 00:06

If me and my dp split up I wouldn't take money from him either because I don't need too .... I would just make him help out with items for the child and maybe a little savings account and go 50/50 contact

Sorry do you want a pay on the back for this? Any woman who refuses money maintenance her children is an idiot

holdonasecond · 08/06/2018 01:27

I know someone who did this so her DD would have a fully biological brother.
The EXDH (a very famous footballer) obliged fully and they had an ovulation sexy weekend away but he didn't ever tell his 'new' wife - she has no idea!

Wow! How does his wife not even know?
I can see why they did it but at the same time I feel really sorry for his wife.

Plumsofwrath · 08/06/2018 01:43

I think that as king as you’re not trying to fill the void of the loss of your husband with a baby, it’s a lovely thing to do. You and ex-DH would need to be very open and clear with all your children though.

Have to say, 30 is very young for having had two husbands and children already.

I’m sorry about the loss of your DH.

Wheresthebeach · 08/06/2018 01:53

I think it sounds insane and the process of having sex with an ex to have a baby...just no.

KC225 · 08/06/2018 02:43

Sorry for your loss OP. That must have been devastating. I would say, put this idea to the back of your mind for at least a year. You are still grieving. You are still young and your DC must be young in years. If you still feel the same way in a year or 18months than broach the subject with him but not before.

londoneast · 08/06/2018 03:12

Just get back together op.
Its better for the children.

felldownarabbithole · 08/06/2018 03:35

I actually considered this and we spoke on it. We agreed.

Fuck knows why we thought we could ever actually do this.

Before we got round to it we'd fallen out on a zombie apocalypse level and both destroyed each other's hopes of a child fully related

Of all the things we have ever done to each other - this is one of the most cruel ideas we ever put each other through and now he has a new partner just months after we agreed this catastrophic idea, though I never want him back - I'm scared he wants another child so much he will stupidly enter into it long before their relationship is ready for it and long before (though I have no right) I will be ready to cope with that.

I would strongly caution you against it and advise you either seek a new partner or just get back together.

Original poster

Skyblueray · 08/06/2018 06:57

I dont want to get back together with him. Ive had one husband my partner who passed away i was not married to him although we did speak of marriage in the future...
I think the best advice given to me is to wait a year or so and see if i still feel as strongly about this matter as i do right now. Thankyou everyone for your responses and opinions.

OP posts:

crispysausagerolls · 08/06/2018 09:01

I don't see a huge difference between having one now with him or having been pregnant around the time you split up and deciding to keep it. I agree that it's good advice to wait and see though.

Miladamermalada · 08/06/2018 09:37

Just get back together op.
Its better for the children.
What a ridiculous statement. How confusing for the children. OP is grieving, she doesn't need to couple up with the husband she has split up with years before when she doesn't love him.
What an archaic view that parents together is always better. If they don't love each other it isn't likely to work long term anyway as people need intimacy being human.

Miladamermalada · 08/06/2018 09:39

Have to say, 30 is very young for having had two husbands and children already.
Only on MN where people wait until nearly 40 before having their first having met DP at 35.
It isn't very young at all, she's 12 years into adulthood. I had 3 kids by that age and a crap marriage. I wish I'd had 2 husbands-yet another value judgement of women with more than one partner.

felldownarabbithole · 08/06/2018 10:21

Yeah I think your wise to wait and see OP. Maybe it will work out for you. My caution against it is that it devastated the existing coparenting relationship I had with DC father to the point he stopped seeing them.

You know him better than any of us on MN. For me it was damaging to my DC that it was even considered.

Ignore any judgements - life isn't as black and white as MN would often make you think as people obviously only see the details you reveal and make judgements based on that. You have had a really horrible trauma, I'm very sorry for your loss

ObiJuanKenobi · 08/06/2018 11:06

@holdonasecond nope she never found out.. apparently although if you look at the children now (both very successful child models) they're very alike
I do get it. Their mum never met anyone else and is very career focused/driven so I think for her she really wanted another baby but without any of the other stuff from a relationship.
I can't say I'd be happy if my DH did that though!!!

amusedbush · 08/06/2018 11:15

I think you're grieving and looking for something new to focus on since your partner passed away (very sorry for your loss).

It really hasn't been that long since it happened so I would wait and see how you feel down the line.

worridmum · 08/06/2018 11:30

50/50 shared care you would not be entilted to child maintance unless you think the rp should pay the nrp if they spend equal time with both?

holdonasecond · 08/06/2018 11:38

ObiJuanKenobi

Yeah I don't think I would be happy either 😬
But yeah I do get it. I just can't believe his wife has never had any idea! I'm guessing he has lots of money so she wouldn't even notice more maintenance being paid either.

notgivingin789 · 08/06/2018 11:39

It’s up to you. But for me, I wouldn’t do it as I would expect the father of my children to financially /emotionally support my children. If the father of my child, ex or whatever, is not supporting his pre-existing children, which he has with me. No way on earth would I be foolish enough to have another child by him.

However, it totally depends what type of person you are. Some women are emotionally resilient, I am not, I noticed you pointed out that you will have sex with him to conceive the child. What happens if old feelings resurface ? Or you happen to want something more and he doesn’t ? Again, it depends if you’re the type of person who can detach yourself emotionally.

Also, he may be there for your children now the three you already have with him (plus the planned one your hoping to have with him). But what happens if a new woman comes into the scene ? It’s funny how some men forget their children once a new woman enters into the life. He may very well have very little contact/ none at all, with the children he has with you whilst his embarking on a new relationship/ family with someone else and you will be left bringing up four children, without the financially/ emotional support from their father.

But if you can handle all of that. Then go for it !

Motoko · 08/06/2018 13:16

I can't even stand the thought of having sex with my exes! Urgh!

Mousefunky · 08/06/2018 13:29

It would be ultra confusing for your DC and they should always come first. They know you are separate and presumably have been on a journey to accept that. For you two to suddenly jump in bed and procreate again, then to tell your DC the truth would seriously fuck any progress they have made up.

Plus would you really want to sleep with your ex?

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