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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another baby with my exh

99 replies

Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 20:33

Hi i have 2 dc with my ex h who i broke up from 4 years ago. Recently ive really been wanting to have another baby but would want all my children to have the same father. If i was to have another child id be doing all the work as i do now and i fully expect this to continue in the same way so aibu?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 07/06/2018 21:15

....because she’s going into it with her eyes wide open. She knows what he will or won’t pay and how he is with his children.

There’s nothing wrong with having different fathers, but it makes life a lot bloody easier when you don’t. Plus it’s nice for the children to have both the same parents IF that’s an option.

Butterflykissess · 07/06/2018 21:16

Each to their own but I wouldn't personally choose to have children with different men. I continued with my pregnancy even after me and ex had broke up and now have a lovely 13 month old. Don't think it's much different to that.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:16

I've heard some fire excuses for dad's not paying for their kids but I think saying sperm donors don't pay has to be my favourite

I have no idea what you're talking about- I haven't made any excuses for him not paying for his current children. My point was it isn't relevant to her choice now to have a third.

Nicknacky · 07/06/2018 21:19

I think people are missing the point saying it's not a big deal. Maybe it's not for them but becoming a father can be just as monumental for the father as the mother (putting aside maintanence for a minute).

Would posters on here be willing to have a child and give it to the father if it's no big deal?

GreenTulips · 07/06/2018 21:21

How wouldn his girlfriend feel? What about extended familly? Who's paying for the kids at the moment do you work?

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:21

I think people are missing the point saying it's not a big deal. Maybe it's not for them but becoming a father can be just as monumental for the father as the mother (putting aside maintanence for a minute).Would posters on here be willing to have a child and give it to the father if it's no big deal?

  1. Sperm donation is far more common than surrogacy for a reason.
  1. He isn't just giving it away he'd see it when he sees the other ones (which doesn't sound like very often). However no one is saying he should have to provide sperm just that she should ask him if she wants to.
Nicknacky · 07/06/2018 21:24

The op hasn't said what she hopes his level of involvement is.

And it's not as straight forward as sperm donation when he is the father to pre existing children and her ex.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:24

If a woman came on here and said "thinking of having a child with my OH but he has 2 kids he doesn't pay for" then not one person would tell her it was a good idea so I'm quite surprised by so many telling OP to go for it

But that's nothign like this scenerio! The Op is basically just using a known sperm donor. This is really common. She doesn't need or want him to raise a child with her.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:25

The op hasn't said what she hopes his level of involvement is.

If i was to have another child id be doing all the work as i do now and i fully expect this to continue in the same way so aibu?

MeganBacon · 07/06/2018 21:26

If he is on board (understands that the point of having sex with him is for you to get pregnant) and you accept that you'll be responsible for the finances, I think it's absolutely fine.

FilthyforFirth · 07/06/2018 21:26

How would the baby feel knowing its dad doesnt care about it? Is he willing to treat this baby the same way he treats the existing two? Mental idea. YABU

Nicknacky · 07/06/2018 21:29

pbjs He clearly is around as he buys things for the kids and she knows he doesn't have a girlfriend. Doesn't mean he is completely absent with zero involvement unless she confirms that.

NewYearNewMe18 · 07/06/2018 21:30

Selfish. This all about your needs and wants. Creating another child to suit your purposes.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:31

OP the only thing you can do really is ask him. I know someone who considered it (and her ex was up for it) but then decided she didn't want any more. I know several women who got pregnant at the end of a relationship knowing it might not last but wanted to ahve children by the same dad. I'm one hundred percent not having any more but if I seperated from dh and wanted more I would only do it if he were the dad. I want all my children to have the same dad as well.

pbjs · 07/06/2018 21:32

Selfish. This all about your needs and wants. Creating another child to suit your purposes

Grin as opposed to all those other reasons to have a baby?

Dvg · 07/06/2018 21:34

How are people commenting on how he treats his children? XD we haven't been told anything!!

Also hard to comment on the financial situation either.

If me and my dp split up I wouldn't take money from him either because I don't need too .... I would just make him help out with items for the child and maybe a little savings account and go 50/50 contact.

But that's our decision noone else's and wouldnt make him a crap dad.

Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 21:42

I think it's a terrible idea. I have 4 kids by the same dad. He was a bastard but that's by the by.
You will not move forward in your future relationships by conceiving your child with an ex. He's an ex for a reason. Having kids to the same dad isn't better, for me it's turned out horribly, because I should have left after my first son, years ago.
In a couple of years you could be with the love of your life and enjoy the pure beauty that a baby brings into a relationship. You won't experience that if you have a baby to an ex.

ObiJuanKenobi · 07/06/2018 21:43

I know someone who did this so her DD would have a fully biological brother.
The EXDH (a very famous footballer) obliged fully and they had an ovulation sexy weekend away but he didn't ever tell his 'new' wife - she has no idea!

KittyHawke80 · 07/06/2018 21:48

I have three kids with a man with whom I’m not in relationship. The boys are six years apart, and I had a little girl last year, four years after the middle one. The kids and I live with my mum; dad is very much present in their lives. Works ok.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 07/06/2018 21:53

In another post you have three children, the last at 25. Can you really at that age afford to support four children independently? Not many can.

I can understand not wanting a different dad or half siblings as I wouldn't either but the want for a baby might not go away even after another. It will have an impact on your existing children, give them a warped view on relationships and I thinks it's very weird to ask an ex to be a sperm donor essentially.

Original poster
Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 22:14

Yes i do work so can provide financially. Im 30 years old if hat makes a difference to anything. Ex H does have regular contact with the other children. As for giving my children a warped view on relationships there are many different types of relationships and many different parenting styles these days not just the traditional man wife and kids approach.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 07/06/2018 22:19

What would happen if he was unwilling to have the same relationship with this child? Would you still want to go ahead?

Original poster
Skyblueray · 07/06/2018 22:22

No but i think he would love the potential child just as much as the others it would be equally as much his child as the existing children.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 07/06/2018 22:22

Do you not want a loving relationship with a partner OP?

Nicknacky · 07/06/2018 22:26

I just think, you have three kids already. Be happy with your fab family and don't complicate it. I would understand more if you were older or only had one but broodiness will pass, it's fairly normal when you see your babies growing up!