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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't help me get up - aibu?

56 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 09:16

I probably am! Grin

We have DD 3yo and DTs 3mos so I am on mat leave. On a morning sometimes DH gets DD1 up and out to ppreschool. Sometimes I do. I always do the DTs as I am bf.

The twins are much easier babies than DD1 ever was but not great sleepers. They have one bottle at 11pm but otherwise bf so I obviously do the overnight feeds. As a result I am very tired.

I try to set my alarm for 730 to get DD up and also I often have appointments. Today I have a funeral. I never used to do this but I find I now often sleep through it Blush I have therefore asked DH if he will help by making sure I am awake. But he won't.

I think this is a small kind thing to do for a spouse suffering temporary serious sleep deprivation. Aibu? Get out the pitchforks.....!

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 09:18

Of course YANBU why on earth won't he help? Breastfeeding twins who don't sleep well is exhausting. He's getting a great deal not having any nighttime responsibilities.

beluga425 · 07/06/2018 09:19

What's his reason? Surely he just has to give you a gentle nudge. I'm assuming you're not asking for a full cooked breakfast and your clothes to be chosen, ironed and put out for you.

guinnessguzzler · 07/06/2018 09:20

Is he your husband or your partner? Clue: he should be aiming for both. Of course he should help. Has he given any kind of rationale for not?

MatildaTheCat · 07/06/2018 09:21

Eh?? You aren’t a lazy teenager who needs to learn self discipline.

Tell him to try a few nights of broken nights before refusing such a simple request.

ilovegin112 · 07/06/2018 09:22

Maybe he saw the replies to the other thread about this the other day

Believeitornot · 07/06/2018 09:24

Maybe when he’s woken you in the past you’ve taken his head off?

What’s his reason for refusing

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 07/06/2018 09:24

Was all set to say yabu until I read that you're bf'ing twins. You deserve wake up calls and medals.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/06/2018 09:24

How bizarre why not? He must have given a reason.

BlackInk · 07/06/2018 09:28

Are you saying he refuses to roll over / pop in the room and wake you, even though he's awake himself and in the house??
Why doesn't he want to? Is it because he thinks he should let you sleep because you're so tired and your sleep is more important than whatever plans you might have for the day?
It seems very odd to me. He absolutely should wake you if you want him to and have slept through your alarm. He should also bring you a cuppa in bed x

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 07/06/2018 09:34

This isn't what you asked for, but I recommend you change your alarm tone. Once you've started sleeping through one, you'll keep sleeping through it. I use my phone as an alarm, which means I can load the most jaunty pieces of pop music I can find to use as alarms.

ravenmum · 07/06/2018 09:34

If I refused to do this, it would be because there is no way I would remember until I was already at work, and then it would be my fault you didn't wake up.

Shoxfordian · 07/06/2018 09:35

Did he say why he wouldn't want to help you?

Taylor22 · 07/06/2018 09:38

I would personally refuse as in the morning I'm very single minded. I would probably forget so to save us all of just refuse.

Change your alarm. set it to go off every 3 mins. Set two alarms.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 09:42

Why won't he? What does he say?

Missingstreetlife · 07/06/2018 09:44

If you have landline you can book alarm call. They are persistent. He's a knob.

MarklahMarklah · 07/06/2018 09:45

Could you swap the 11pm bottle feed for a bf so that your DH could give a bottle in the night? That might allow you a bit more sleep, if it's an option at all.
I can see that in this case, yes, it would be really helpful if he could ensure you're awake, but as has been said by other posters, maybe you need to change your alarm tone too as you're not hearing it.

Is there any way you can get a bit more sleep in the daytime to recharge your batteries at all? I've only got one DC, so I accept I've had it easier, but when it was DC's nap time, I'd often grab 20 mins for myself too.

rainingcatsanddog · 07/06/2018 09:48

It's hard to say without his side of the story.

It could be a passive aggressive thing because he's up and you're not but it could equally be a case of not being able to bear waking up a tired mum. You must be super tired if you're not woken up by a preschooler and your h getting out of bed, opening the bedroom door etc

Singlenotsingle · 07/06/2018 09:49

Haven't you got an alarm clock?

JessicaJonesJacket · 07/06/2018 09:49

It's funny. There was a thread about this last week except it was a wife complaining that her DH expected her to wake him rather than using his alarm. Nearly everyone said he should set his alarm and not expect his wife to wake him.
But your circumstances are different because you're having broken sleep because of the DTs. As such, I would expect your DH to be more helpful. Otherwise, suggest expressing and sharing the night feeds. A few broken nights might make him realise how difficult it can be.

BottleOfJameson · 07/06/2018 09:51

JessicaJonesJacket

As you said I do think this is very difference. That woman's DH used to lie around in bed while she got all the kids up and out and expected her to wake him up also. This woman is up all night feeding twins!

Juells · 07/06/2018 09:52

Sleep in a different room and put the DTs in with him for one night, so he has to get up and bring them into you every time they wake for a feed, wait around while you feed them, then settle them back to sleep. Do that for a few nights and he'll learn all about sleep deprivation 😂

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 09:58

It is odd as in some ways he is super. Eg once a week he will do the 11pm bottle feed on his own so I can go to bed at 9pm and sleep till the twins start waking which can be anywhere from 145am to 4am! But once they are awake they don't really go back to sleep properly so say if they want feeding at 3am I am pretty much up from then, until they go into a deep 'morning sleep' around 6.30.

He won't really say why. It is a different reason every time. So today I said I had this funeral on, and stuff to do before, and it would be really helpful if I could get up with the alarm at 715. He made non commital noises. Got twins to sleep at 12.30am ans then this morning I fed on and off from 345 to 645 then obviously fell into a deep sleep.... woke at 8.45! Blush

He said he didn't bother waking me as he thought I was awake Hmm i clearly wasn't as apparently DD 1 was sitting on my pillow reading stories to the (sleeping) twins and I didn't notice.

OP posts:
Beckywiththebadhair · 07/06/2018 09:59

Why do you give a bottle at 11pm? Try swapping so that the 11pm feed is BF and give a bottle another time. You might find the children sleep better if the evening feed is BM.

WRT DH not waking you, I can sort of understand that he doesn't want the responsibility of making sure you are awake and getting the blame if you don't wake up. I think changing your ringtone regularly and making it louder would be better.

beachysandy81 · 07/06/2018 09:59

How strange not to help you wake up for a one off event like a funeral. I would set lots of different alarms, not sure what you should do about your husband though!

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 10:00

juells he volunteered to do that once. Once. He won't do it again and moaned for days about how tired he was!

OP posts:
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