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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won't help me get up - aibu?

56 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 09:16

I probably am! Grin

We have DD 3yo and DTs 3mos so I am on mat leave. On a morning sometimes DH gets DD1 up and out to ppreschool. Sometimes I do. I always do the DTs as I am bf.

The twins are much easier babies than DD1 ever was but not great sleepers. They have one bottle at 11pm but otherwise bf so I obviously do the overnight feeds. As a result I am very tired.

I try to set my alarm for 730 to get DD up and also I often have appointments. Today I have a funeral. I never used to do this but I find I now often sleep through it Blush I have therefore asked DH if he will help by making sure I am awake. But he won't.

I think this is a small kind thing to do for a spouse suffering temporary serious sleep deprivation. Aibu? Get out the pitchforks.....!

OP posts:
JessicaJonesJacket · 07/06/2018 10:00

Bottle I know! That's why I was pointing out the differences because someone will come along and say 'MN is so biased against men' when the two situations aren't comparable at all.

Juells · 07/06/2018 10:03

It must be very difficult to shake someone awake that you know is exhausted :(

OuchLegoHurts · 07/06/2018 10:04

once a week he will do the 11pm bottle feed on his own

Why only once a week? I don't think he's as good as you think. I have twins and my DH did every single feed with me (bottle fed) and often did both at the same time to give me a break. Why couldn't he do that one feed every night?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/06/2018 10:07

Well tell him it’s either wake you for the one morning or he has the twins with him and bottle feeds the first 3/4am wake whilst you sleep and are more likely to wake when your alarm goes off.

As an aside, I don’t actually see why you don’t change the bottle feed to the 3am one and get him to do it once a week maybe every Friday to give you a better unbroken sleep.

mirime · 07/06/2018 10:08

Don't know about anyone else, but if I'm tired enough I can switch off even quite complicated alarms in my sleep and if I change the alarm sound I don't recognise it as mine anymore, ignore it, and fall asleep again.

OP is not BU, especially for an event like a funeral.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 07/06/2018 10:08

DH always used to do the 11pm feeds so I could go to bed early and then I would do the night feeds. Can he not pick up a few more?

BalloonFlowers · 07/06/2018 10:13

Why can't he give the 11pm bottle most nights, and let you get in a decent chunk of sleep, just like he gets?

DH is being an arse, and needs to pull his socks up.

SalemBlackCat · 07/06/2018 10:25

He sound like a selfish lazy pig to be honest. It's not much of a marriage imo if he doesn't care about his children or his wife. Why are you with him?

SirVixofVixHall · 07/06/2018 10:26

My DH brought me coffee in the morning, and did breakfast for dd1 and then dd2 once she was on solids, because I was up half the night breastfeeding. I think your DH is being an absolute shit not helping you with this. I was so tired at times I couldn’t string a coherent sentence together. Surely a marriage is about helping and supporting each other ?

lottiegarbanzo · 07/06/2018 10:26

Why? You need to ask him to explain.

Why does he only do the 11pm feed once a week? Surely the whole point of using a bottle for that feed is so the dad can do it and the mum go to bed early, ready for the night ahead?

There are frequent threads on here about women not wanting to be relied upon as their DP's 'waker upper'. Those DPs have never been up all night with babies and are never asking nicely. They are always stroppy, because she forgot, or would rather not have to do it (but does it anyway).

CristalTipps · 07/06/2018 10:29

He does understand these are his children too right? And you're his partner? He should do the 11pm feeds as standard, and not as a favour to you, but because he is a father.

MollyDaydream · 07/06/2018 10:37

The point of an 11pm bottle is he does it every single night so you can sleep!

He is sounding like a lazy shit.

Allthewaves · 07/06/2018 10:37

Would it not be better for dh to get 3 yr old ready and out every day and let u sleep on if the babies are sleeping

squishy · 07/06/2018 10:54

YANBU - my ex always did the 11pm feed so I could sleep as I was the one with interrupted sleep. He should step up more at night; help you get more sleep and, if he's getting up anyway, why on earth can't he bring you a cup of tea (or whatever) and make sure you're awake before leaving for work?!

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 11:18

Tbf I am on mat leave and he has a commute of 90 miles round trip on busy motorways. He doesn't wnat to do the 11pm feed more often as he is worried about being tired whilst driving. And he does get up with DD1 if she wakes, which she does about 3-4 nights a.week, wanting water or help to the loo.

I will try a different alarm. I don't have early morning feed as bottle as I was advised it was important to feed in early hours of morning to keep supply up, obviously crucial with twins as they grow.

I do feel frustrated as I moved me and DTs into spare bedroom specifically not to disrupt DH. So he can go to bed at midnight and sleep till 7am, maybe getting up with DD1 for water/ a bad dream once, whilst I have probably on average 4 hrs sleep in several chunks, interspersed with changing, feeding, winding, settling......

Feeling sorry for myself today as DM said maybe they are bad sleepers because I have a coffee every morning, so I have given up caffeine for a week to see if it makes a difference 🤤😪

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 07/06/2018 11:20

No chance you could move the 11pm feed a little earlier to 10.30pm, so he could do it daily?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/06/2018 11:23

He sound like a selfish lazy pig to be honest. It's not much of a marriage imo if he doesn't care about his children or his wife. Why are you with him?

Didn't take long Smile

QuietNinjaTardis · 07/06/2018 11:27

So he’s worried about being tired while driving. Is he not worried about you being exhausted looking after 3 small children? He needs to pull a finger out and help more. Maybe 3/4 if the 11pm feeds so you can go to sleep earlier to get a good chunk of sleep in before the twins wake you. He’s being selfish.

OuchLegoHurts · 07/06/2018 11:30

His drive is absolutely no excuse. Sorry, but twins do disrupt the regular pattern of things while babies, and both partners need to accept that they'll be tired. I drove an hour to work and an hour home while my twins were babies. It's just life, he needs to step up, I've never heard of a father of twins doing so little. Including taking the 30 seconds it would take to wake you up after a long night.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 07/06/2018 11:36

I think reading back I have been unclear. He helps with the 11pm feed but won't do it alone. When I bottle feed them I do it using tandem cushion but he doesn't like this so does them one after another which takes longer.

He also does a lot with DD1 and makes dinner most nights. Yes, he is the mythical MN husband who gets home from work and makes dinner!

He just won't nudge me awake in the mornings.

OP posts:
OuchLegoHurts · 07/06/2018 11:38

Ok well at least he cooks and looks after the toddler. Maybe he feels sorry for waking you?

PremierNaps · 07/06/2018 11:39

He sound like a selfish lazy pig to be honest. It's not much of a marriage imo if he doesn't care about his children or his wife. Why are you with him?

Well that escalated quickly.....

I think setting yourself a few alarms OP may help and changing the ring tone. I don't think it should be any DP's responsibility to get you up.

However he could be doing more like the 11pm night feeds so that you can go to bed at 9.30 and not be so tired.

SoyDora · 07/06/2018 11:41

If he doesn’t go to bed until midnight, why would doing the 11pm feed on his own make him more tired? He’s already up helping with the 11pm feed anyway isn’t he? It makes no sense.

Racecardriver · 07/06/2018 11:50

Is it possible that he is actually really worried about you? You are getting very little sleep. Maybe he doesn't want to wake you up unless he really has to so you get some extra sleep but he doesn't feel comfortable telling you either? What time do you actually need to be awake? Dies he take DD to nursery or something or do you need to be up when he leaves the house? If my DH was getting 4 hours of sleep a night I probably wouldn't waking him unless absolutely necessary.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/06/2018 11:57

Sorry but unwillingness to do the 11pm feed alone is not ok. It is not good enough. You manage to feed both twins alone. If he struggles, that's because he needs practice in order to become competent.

Again, the whole point of doing that 'before grow-up bed time' feed with a bottle, is that the dad can do it, allowing the mum a good stretch of sleep.

If, as pp suggested, he was concerned for your lack of sleep, he would be focusing on perfecting his bottle-feeding technique and perhaps seeking to move that feed a teeny bit earlier, even by tenminutes, so he can fit it in before bedtime.

He wouldn't be using your tiredness as an excuse not to wake you for a funeral that you want to go to - that's pretty high up the 'important evnet' rankings!