To be absolutely livid with DH?

[ManicGirl]

DH was walking home with DD7 and DS6. About 5 mins from home DS asks to go down this tiny cut through instead of path. DH says he'll meet them at an agreed location and he stays on path. But the cut through goes somewhere else and they end up in different places.
Turns out, that when they couldn't find him, the DCs decide to walk home, which involved walking along 3 streets and crossing one busy road at a zebra crossing. Apparently they ran into a woman we vaguely know who helped then cross the road.
DH instead of waiting at agreed place (Which they had to pass on their way back), went back to where they'd all started and missed then completely.
When DCs got home, I gave then a lecture about going anywhere on their own and talking to strangers. They both got really upset, especially DS.

But I really don't know what to say to DH. Everything's awkward as I don't want to raise it as it will cause an argument. I keep thinking about what could have happened to them.

It's not ideal! I'd be cross but hopefully this is lesson learned for him. I'd see what his reaction is.

I doubt he did it on purpose and I'm sure he'll feel shit enough without you having a go at him.

Any chance he panicked when he realised the cut through didn’t end where he thought it did so he lost his rational thinking a bit?

Why on Earth didn't he just go with them, especially if it wasn't clear where the path came out?

I'd be mad but I'm sure it wouldn't top how bad DH would feel from the whole situation.

He made a bad judgement call but thankfully everything turned out alright, there's no point dwelling on the "what ifs".

However, that being said, if my DH couldn't see that it was a mistake he made and didn't see it as an issue, that would make me mad. We'd have to discuss it further to ensure nothing similar happened again.

You don't want to cause an argument? Surely you saying to your DH who was clearly the wrong, that you can't believe how stupid he was, won't start an argument. You would give your children into trouble, Why? Their father said they were allowed to do this, it's gmhardly their fault. They didn't do anything wrong. I don't think they deserve the lecture, I think your DH does.

Everyone dealt with it fine, they chose and executed a good solution, and far from praising the kids you lectured them?

DH obviously didn't wait long enough at the agreed place, but the mistake hardly seems huge, and it may well have been reasonable that after waiting as long as he presumably did he backtracked the route to see where they are.

Timeisslipingaway I agree with you. I feel bad about having made them upset because they were probably already upset. I was just so shocked when they turned up without him.
I'm worried that DH won't realise the severity of it. We had a discussion all 4 of us but haven't talked since the kids went to bed.

He screwed up, but not in the most awful way- he made an honest mistake thinking that the cut-through came out somewhere else. Would you be livid if he'd got the right place, they'd met as planned, and it'd all been fine? If not, then you're unreasonable at being livid when an honest mistake changed that.

To be honest I'd probably also have gone back to the starting point and followed them as quickly as possible to catch up with them- not just waited somewhere after realising that wasn't where they'd be.

It's reasonable to temporarily be a bit freaked out and to discuss with him whether you both think they are mature enough to manage situations- but he is equally as responsible for them as you, and no one is perfect

It was a bad judgment call but I wouldn’t be ‘livid’. Kids do need some independence and that’s probably what your DH was trying to do. However, given their ages, if he wasn’t 100% sure the cut through would only end up in one place then he should have gone with them to check. Also, how long was this cut through because although as I said, kids need some independence, if he couldn’t easily hear them etc and it was long enough that they managed to get lost it probably was too much independence for that age. It’s also not clear from your post if both DC went or just one? I think you and DH need to have a calm discussion about what happened and what limits you want to give your DH. And don’t dwell on the what iffs. Scary though.

To be honest, I think the children handled the situation very well, and your DH did exactly what I would have done.

Thinking about what awful things could possibly have happened in an alternate universe is generally not helpful after the event

Thanks for all your messages. Time to go talk I think. Maybe IABU as obviously he couldn't have predicted what would happen.

I think YABU to be livid, especially if the oldest is 7 and this is out of character.

Surely dh was just trying to foster and encourage independence? Dc dealt with it really well. I don’t teach dc not to talk to strangers as the vast majority of strangers are good and will help in a crisis, as shown here. I might be a bit cross at dh not knowing where cut through came out but livid-no. Yabu.

Not great of dh. But tbh, rather than giving my children a lecture (what were they supposed to do when they didn't find him?) I would have praised them for keeping calm and using their initiative. It sounds like they handled it really well.

No wonder children are developing less and less resilience and independence nowadays. Yes a mistake happened and your DH tried to sort it out. You should be proud of how well your children handled things.

Your DH will I am sure in future work out a plan with the children for what they should do if something goes wrong the next time they want to do something a bit independently (which they will).

When I was their age it was the 50’s and I always walked home from school alone, which was a bout 1/2 a mile. I used to go to the parks and woods as well alone or with a friend or two. Now I live in the U.S. and the kids in the small town near where we farm walk across town to the swimming pool - in their swim suits carrying their towels.

What the hell has happened to the U.K. that makes you so scared?

I don't understand why you gave your kids a lecture, when they made their way home together, but are worried to say something tonyour husband. That's not a sign of a healthy relationship or family dynamic, even now you seem worried about mentioning it to him, but happily upset the children whose fault it wasn't.

You do realise it's not the 50's anymore?? And I wouldn't be so proud of the USA and how safe you feel. That just shows me how deluded you are.

I think my main worry was them being hit by a car crossing the road rather than then being abducted by strange people.
We give then a certain amount of independence- they can bike to a grassed area at the end of out street and play there but DH is always more care free about it than I am.
I should gave praised them rather than lectured them. I realise that now.

Agree with the others. Sorry op you're the one not handling this well. It's good for kids to have abit of independence why did you tell them off? why are you treating your dh like a naughty child?

Agree with charolais. The fear in the uk is out of all proportion

my main worry was them being hit by a car crossing the road

There was a zebra crossing, which they used, and there was no accident or no real likelihood of an accident. Be proud that they knew to use the crossing (which I would expect at that age).

I agree that children didn't do anything wrong , They were allowed to go through the cut. They coped really good with this situation considering their age.
your DH did a mistake allowing them to go through the cut when he wasn't 100% sure where it'd end. It was irresponsible. He thought it would go towards your house, but thinking is not enough when small children are involved, you need to be sure.
I would expect him telling you that , not the other way around.

Perhaps worth telling them though that if they find themselves unexpectedly separated again, to wait where they are until an adult finds them (depending on what you think is most appropriate).

I'm worried that DH won't realise the severity of it. Has he got some sort of problem that means he doesn't imagine potential consequences?

To be honest, I think the children handled the situation very well, and your DH did exactly what I would have done. - I agree, but I was walking to and from school by myself at that age.