To think I'll be classed as the difficult one?

[thedifficultone]

Long story short my dd is starting reception in September.
It wasn’t our first choice of school but we are over that now!
So Monday night we go to the starters meeting.
They gave out the class lists and she’s been put in a class with 2 boys she specifically dislikes, 1 whom she does out of school activities with, and one goes to her current nursery.
Both have hit/pushed her before on more than 1 occasion and she worries about being around them. Ie “Tommy won’t hit me tonight will he?”
She’s not been put in a class with any children she knows.
We were meant to receive an email asking to name friends for when they were forming the classes but they spelt my name wrong on the email so I never received it and didn’t get a chance to put her friends names down.
Would I be “that” parent if I called the school and asked if she could swap classes?
I’ve not heard great things about behaviour management in the new school and my dd is THE youngest in the year and very small and quiet so may well be easy to miss, and she doesn’t stand up for herself.
I’m just worried about her spending every day with these 2 children.
I know that there will always be children that she won’t get along with, but she’s timid and I feel bad for her starting on a bad footing.
I hope IABU and I can trust the teachers to deal with any situations that arise!
Put my mind at rest please!

It depends how you do it. There was a girl that I really didn't want my DD with for various reasons so I emailed the school and said that there was a personality clash between the two of them and could they be in different classes, that way I wasn't pointing the finger.

I work in a primary school office, and there is no harm in mentioning that you never got the email, her friend is in the other class and she is timid, could she move? It's not an uncommon question by new parents. It would be down to school policy what happens, and they can only say no. There are lots of "those" parents in schools, and they are better than the ones that don't care. They don't get special treatment in my school, but if you don't ask you don't get.

I wouldn't mention the 2 boys she has problems with. If they truly are horrors their pre-school would have handed this info over to the school during transition anyway. I wouldn't mention them to your daughter at all before September, and focus on all the positive things about starting school. There is a good chance she will come into contact with them at break, assembly, and any streamed subjects and there may be even worse kids in the other class!

TO be honest while it's not at all nice for a child on the receiving end. Hitting and pushing happens a lot in nursery so there are likely to be just as disruptive children in whatever class she's in. Friends and enemies shift so quickly at that age so while there's no harm politely asking I wouldn't worry too much if it can't be changed.

It might work out well for her. Ds is good boy in a class of lovely, engaged k I ds. He's barely even noticed and is always overlooked for stuff. Dd, however, is in a class with very challenging behaviour and her board brimmeth over with dojo points cos she stands out as the good one, just by being well behaved. Out of the two, she's becoming the more confident.

Why don't you email the school and say that you would have liked to have had the opportunity to put the names down and didn't. You could say there are a couple of people that have caused her problems (don't have to name them) and see if it can be changed, otherwise things could change enormously - one kid that bullied my son in preschool was not a problem once in primary and he's in my son's class, now year 5.

Definitely do it BEFORE she starts - it will be high on impossible if you leave it too late. Now it's only an admin/ name on a list problem.

As someone who works in a school I would want to know this from a parent. I might not be able to make changes to the class but it would give the teachers the information required about previous relationships with your child and these boys. Parents tell us things like this all the time and we don't think negatively of them.

OP even if they do move her into the other class, it’s likely that will still meet at playtime and lunchtime.

Personally, I think the best approach is to voice your concerns to the head in an email (sign off with “I look forward to hearing your response” sort of thing). Say that you have concerns, give examples and relay how nursery are managing the situation. State that you realise that you may not be able to move class but would welcome some reassurance as to how the class teacher and lunch/play supervisor will monitor the situation if a problem arises.

Come at it from a pragmatic angle.

It's awful that parents are worried to make even the smallest request in case they are branded as "difficult". I hope they listen to you OP.

I’d call and explain the situation with these boys.

The school may be unable or unwilling to switch pupils from one class to another, but if the teacher is aware that there’s problems between your DD and these 2 boys, then s/he will hopefully be able to minimise contact between them. E.g. put them on different tables for literacy, numeracy etc

I totally agree with *dueanotherchange-
*
As unpopular as it is on MN, if I think something is going to negatively affect my child to the point where they are going to be physically hurt and I could do something about it, I have NO problem being "that parent." Yes we all have to learn to get along with people we don't like, and that don't like us. We've had an issue in DD's class and despite DH's initial response that we need to tell her just to stay away from the individual, I said no, there'll always be people like that and we need to help her to manage it. You can be damn sure that when that didn't work, I went to the teacher and now they're managing it.

Yes, our kids need to learn, but if she's the youngest in the year, she'll be just four starting, and she needs your support.

Ring and ask to speak to the head of Reception or the headteacher.

I think if you discuss it a pragmatic approach would be better. Is it possible that you will get chance to meet the teacher before she starts as this is probably best achieved through an informal chat, just to make them aware, although as stated previously they will probably spend little time together so no need for action plans.

E.g. put them on different tables for literacy, numeracy etc

Also can I just take a second to address this comment. Please tell me your child doesn't go to a school where the sit at table for literacy and numeracy in Reception!!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone

Please tell me your child doesn't go to a school where the sit at table for literacy and numeracy in Reception!

Yes, they do. In groups set by the teacher. Is that not normal?

Yes, they do. In groups set by the teacher. Is that not normal?

Honestly I've never seen it in any school I have ever worked in/been to no. Normally it's informal lessons in small groups on the carpet for approx. 20mins (its usually phonic games e.g bingo or matching words/pictures or use clipboards to write shopping lists etc). The same for maths, normally practical activities which are then adapted and included within their environment. Seating them at tables seems very formal.

I used to work in a school and I'd say definitely call or email. They can't offer any guarantees but there really is no harm in asking.

It may be worthwhile finding out what the structure in reception is.

At our 2 form entry the children are in their classes for registration but are then free flow and mixed with the other class for most of the day.

It would be worth warning the school if you felt your child would be targeted by these boys, but it may not make a difference whether she is in the same class or nor.

Worth mentioning to the office about the email issues as well - we initially weren't getting emails when we started this year and it was a glitch in their mailing system that had hit a few parents they needed to add manually onto the mailing list.

I'd also add in stopping being afraid of being "that parent". It's thrown around on here to be nasty to people basically - and I let my eldest's reception year go by with so much crap I should have really tackled - because of being afraid of being "that parent" and it meant that DD1 had a really really shit reception year where she was let down quite badly because of that. In the end things came to such a head I couldn't ignore them and we moved schools, and I resolved to never again be afraid of being "that parent" if required because my kids need me to be their advocate if required... not running up to school with every gripe and niggle or assuming my child's infallible - but if required to step in and defend them. I'm actually anything BUT "that parent" at their new school - but at the same time when I have had to raise issues - I've done so and I'm buggered if I'm going to be scared to do so for fear of getting a label.

DD2's reception class have mixed ability groups for doing some activities in that have remained consistent throughout the year - not in some kind of tyrannical sitting them down at a desk but in the "ok can the blueberry group come and play this game with me" type of easy way of dividing the class up when required.