To think I'll be classed as the difficult one?

[thedifficultone]

Long story short my dd is starting reception in September.
It wasn’t our first choice of school but we are over that now!
So Monday night we go to the starters meeting.
They gave out the class lists and she’s been put in a class with 2 boys she specifically dislikes, 1 whom she does out of school activities with, and one goes to her current nursery.
Both have hit/pushed her before on more than 1 occasion and she worries about being around them. Ie “Tommy won’t hit me tonight will he?”
She’s not been put in a class with any children she knows.
We were meant to receive an email asking to name friends for when they were forming the classes but they spelt my name wrong on the email so I never received it and didn’t get a chance to put her friends names down.
Would I be “that” parent if I called the school and asked if she could swap classes?
I’ve not heard great things about behaviour management in the new school and my dd is THE youngest in the year and very small and quiet so may well be easy to miss, and she doesn’t stand up for herself.
I’m just worried about her spending every day with these 2 children.
I know that there will always be children that she won’t get along with, but she’s timid and I feel bad for her starting on a bad footing.
I hope IABU and I can trust the teachers to deal with any situations that arise!
Put my mind at rest please!

Your daughter is being hurt?
Why the hell does it matter that it's "only for 30 mins" and "only three afternoons" ?.

And yes, I agree, there are far worse things than being 'that parent'. At our school the parents who complain the most make themselves heard and their DC get special treatment (annoying, but true). The ones who just put up and shut up and don't complain get jack shit! If you feel strongly, then speak up and don't be afraid to do so. Your DD needs you to be her advocate and protect her if these boys are picking on her and if you know they'll continue then the school needs to know - and to know that you will be watching!

I think nursery are trying their best.
She will say “Tommy hit me, but the teacher told him off and he had to go inside to play”
I don’t think they really can discipline? Nursery told me that Ofsted do not like doing time out, and they try and manage behaviour by getting the children to talk through the conflict or by distracting the child or modelling kind behaviour.
Not sure this is helping much but what else can they do? They watch him constantly apparently and he hurts quite a few children. I think my dd just gets the brunt of it.

If my child was regularly being hurt by a specific child I would expect nursery to monitor their interactions very closely and keep them apart where possible.

Apart from the odd parent who is that person in everyday life, there shouldn’t be a that parent. The nursery should be aware of this stuff without the parent having to tell them.

I think it’s a name the teachers have pounced on to put off people complaining. Attack first and all that.

Well, you definitely need them to sort out their spelling of your email address or you could miss all sorts of important stuff.

So what if you're 'that mother'. This is your child, and she deserves you to at least go and talk to the school about your concerns.

They’ve got the correct email address now.
I need to pop a form into school tomorrow so I’ll just mention it then.
Although not sure what the receptionist can do about it?! Maybe she’ll pass the info on.

Are the reception classes separate, or free-flowing?

Do the boys lash out at everyone, or specifically target your dd?

I think I'd contact the school, from the starting point that you hadn't received the message about naming a friend she'd like to be with. Is there anyone you'd want to name? I don't think I'd have any qualms about mentioning the boys and a preference not to be with them, if; the children spend a lot of time with their allocated class and especially if they are picking on her in particular.

She will make new friends quickly. The boys' behaviour will be managed.

In theory these boys will need a class to themselves.
They're hurting other children too. Other children from the nursery will be going to start at the school.
If every child they hurt asks to move classes it's going to be quite a small class.

*I like the approach of FizzyGreenWater Wed 06-Jun-18 13:48:35. You could also throw in misuse of data (getting your email wrong) and GDPR (very hot topic currently) to put the willies up them.

So what if you are 'that parent' - they can't throw you out, unlike private schools.

I'd do what fizzy green water said. It's not your fault that they got your email wrong.

Also, I know you said you perhaps haven't got solid friends for her, but I have used these forms previously to state who I would not want to be with/want dc to be with as well as staring positive preferences. You can only write this info down in lieu of other info you can't provide- the school isn't obliged to follow it. I've never been stuck with people I have requested to be apart from, though. Such a shame they were unable to take this into consideration for your Dd.

At the very least make the school aware of her issues so that they can separate in class. I think that's fairly standard info.

Otoh I am not sure that I would ask for a change.

Otoh I am a little taken aback at all the posters chiming in with "oh we all have to learn to get on with people we don't like". How many of us do actually have to put up with being hit and pushed on a daily basis? That is, unless we work in a few very specific jobs which we will have chosen as adults and can choose to quit? Or have abusive spouses (which nobody seems to think one should just learn to put up with).

There is a general idea that children don't mind being pushed and kicked and hit. The reality is that quite a few of them do, some mind to the extent where they get frightened about going to school, where they end up unable to sleep or eat because they are frightened. Just we probably would as adults tbh.

No my reason for not doing anything would be a) because being in a class might not mean that much anyway- these incidents are more likely to take place in the playground rather than under the eye of a teacher who unlike nursery staff is able to dole out punishment

b) this age can change so quickly that it is quite likely that by the time she gets to September these boys will have grown out of it and it will be some previously sweet and gentle child who is going through a pushing phase.

I had a timid boy: by the time he got to year 2 the boy who had been the terror of his life had turned into his protector and it was another little boy (one whom he had known all his life) who had become the aggressor.

Definitely speak to the school about it. Yes it’s nice to have evenly split class sizes but often they aren’t anyway for child- centred reasons like keeping friends together, a more experienced teacher having children with SEN. This isn’t much different, and would actually be a lot simpler than trying to keep the boys away from your DD in the free play centred approach in reception.

How is Reception actually structured?
At my DC's school the 2 classes mixed freely for the vast majority of the time (to the point that DS's made friends that were all in the "other" class).

If she'll have to spend 80-90% of her time with the 2 boys she doesn't like anyway, it's a bit of a moot point insisting they are not in the same class.

I flagged up in advance of my eldest starting school that one of the kids from her nursery she was put in a class with and her were prone to some spectacular clashes of personality and "he looked at me... she walked past me" bickering - just to give the teacher a heads up if she was doing things like allocating places on the carpet or whatever.

Telling the receptionist is a waste of time. Either ask to speak to the head or write a letter to her about it. Ideally if you speak to her in person follow it up by an email confirming what was said.

Surely schools and teachers find it easier to work with the children of parents who take an interest.

If the school is any good, it would respond well to your concerns and, if possible, shift your child to the other group.

No reason at all not to ask. You won't be that parent for something like this - they will just say either yes or no

Who cares if you are being difficult, you have genuine concerns and your daughter isn't emotionally intelligent enough to stand up for herself yet. I'd defo call

I don't think you get to be 'that parent' on the basis of one incident do you? You need to be in the school complaining continuously!

I would ask.

I would ask for your daughter to be put into another class. It's not the class teacher's decision to make, so I would make an appointment with the Head and explain what you've explained here. I've always strongly felt that our children, when they're small, only have us as parents as their advocates and we have a duty to speak up on their behalf.

I'd definitely make sure the class teacher knows. Before that I would ring to make an appointment to discuss, which will probably be with head. You never know, there could be someone else wanting a swab or an extra space in other class.

The boys could grow up and be adorable. There could be a girl bully in the new class. You can't control everything but it is enough of a problem that it is worth ringing.

If nothing else they could reassure you that they have methods/measures to keep her safe during school. I wouldn't worry about being "that" parent.