Am I too strict as a parent?

[Katyapples]

I think Dh's family think I am.

My primary age DC have set bedtimes and I am quite firm about rules such as no snacks before dinner, homework done before play, pick up after yourself, restricted screen time etc. I expect them to have good manners and if they are rude or cheeky I pull them up on it, even if we are in company.

When I do this, I get comments from the inlaws along the lines of "leave the kids alone, they're just being kids" complete with tuts. DH comes from a large family and the children tend to set their own bedtimes, watch TV and eat sweets whenever they want. They are rarely disciplined, or told to be quiet/wait their turn. On saying this they are on the whole nice kids, and my children enjoy having a large group of cousins nearby.

I raise my children more or less the way I was raised. They're happy, ordinary kids who have nice friends, plenty of interests, and are doing well at school. I don't think I'm strict, I just parent differently- more routine led I suppose. On saying that, I thibk my children have freedoms that the other children in the family don't have - we go on long hikes and camping holidays and the DC are allowed to cook over camp fires, climb and swim (totally safe, DH and I are experienced in this sort of thing) but I know the cousins would never be allowed to do these things

Also, for example, Dh's family smack, I never have - yet I get the tuts and eye rolls when I pull my DC up on their manners. I can only imagine the reaction if I tutted when SIL slaps her toddler's legs.

I'm pregnant again, and I'm dreading the comments. With my first two, I didn't allow sweets or TV until they were almost two and I'll be doing the same with this one. In laws were appalled at this and always tried to give my year old babies chupa chup lollies, that sort of thing. Already the comments are starting.

DH is totally with me and doesn't think we're overly strict either, but I really start to doubt myself. We live in a village and most children seem to be raised closer to my in laws methods than mine. I don't think I'm always down on my children or spoiling their fun, but I'm made to feel as though I am

Whether you’re too strict or not is irrelevant, nobody has any right or place to tell you you are parenting wrong (obviously in cases of abuse and neglect that’s different).

You sound stricter than I am, I tend to be a “pick your battles” parent. So definite about the major important stuff (manners, kindness, sharing etc) but pretty laid back about other things. Bedtimes are set during the week but a bit later at weekends, meals I don’t tend to fuss over (more if you don’t eat it, don’t ask for anything else), I’m fairly laid back about most things unless it’s really important.

Sounds pretty normal to me. I have a 5 year old & i found that altho she sometimes pushes it, she responds a lot better to routine & boundaries. We also do the set bed time, no snacks before dinner, eat your meal or go hungry, tidy up etc & i ALWAYS pull her up for her manners because there is no excuse for rudeness. When out & about i get told she is lovely! Everyone comments how polite & respectful she is, but she still acts like a 5 year old so i haven't knocked anything out of her.

I have friends who don't apply boundaries or aren't consistent with them; their kids are a nightmare tbh!

I think you sound pretty normal wh n it comes to parenting.

DS is only a toddler but when he is primary aged I hope to parent more like you than your inlaws!

You sound a lot like my Italian aunties actually...they were quite strict with my cousins about things like food, school and tv but let them roam around the alps by themselves. All my cousins have grown up to be lovely productive adults. One had a bit of a rebellious streak mid teens but got sensible again and is now at uni studying law.

In my opinion you are doing a brilliant job. Stick to your guns. Your methods obviously work and you are raising well mannered, happy children as a result. Ignore what others say or do. Glad your dh gives you his full support. That will pay off in in the end.

Good for you! Mine were raised like that, and my grandson is being raised the same, especially regarding the manners aspect. Well done.

Sounds like sensible boundaries to me. Children need to know where they stand. Some need firmer boundaries than others. Some can be more flexible. Too few boundaries can cause issues in school and social situations when the child can't handle not being a priority and the needs of a larger social group.

I feel a bit like you know you aren't being unreasonable but want to slag off other people's parenting and feel superior.

I think it depends on the child. I have a friend who freely admits that she used to watch me and feel smug that because her parenting style was far stricter than mine it made her DD so much easier to handle. Then she had her ds and realised quite quickly that my "laid back" parenting style was the result of exhaustion not some hippy dippy parenting book.

They smack their children. Enough said. Why on earth would you think you need to take parenting advice from them?

You sound quite normal to me too.
It’s clear you have different way of parenting. What would annoy is the judgemental tone of the comments.

Carry on the way that’s working for you.

No, I don't just want to feel superior. I am honestly wondering if I am too rigid. I prefer a routine myself, so I don't know to what extent I'm imposing my own preferences on the DC.

I also went to a very academic, competitive school with some absolutely batshit pushy parents - think tiger mums. My parents were seen as some of the most lax, because they didn't hothouse me, hover over me as I studied, hire tutors etc. However they had their own standards, and I am very similar really. I suppose because it was an odd environment to begin with, and the one I'm in now seems to sometimes go too far the other way (in my view) I find it difficult to judge myself.

I have also worked with children with behavioural issues, and I worry that this has influenced me to be stricter than necessary. Then I worry that I'm too strict and they'll go bonkers in rebellion!

I love the sound of the Italian aunties!

Having said that, I do think that not all children respons to the same style of parenting
However, boundaries, such as not eating sweets until they are 2yo, can be held whilst parenting (or teaching/disciplining) your dcs I’m slightly different ways.

OP if you trust them especially to do things on their own when they are the appropriate ages, explain why you have the rules and don't snack them - then you have done fine.

Katy if you are too rigid, then am I!!

The reality is that you are balancing a stricter approach, eg to bedtimes, with the more relaxed approach when camping/swimming/climbing.
You are strict in some areas, more relaxed in others. That’s sounds quite a good balanced approach to me.

I was like you. My kids are now really lovely, productive, kind, empathetic adults.

Ime (my two are teens now), teens don’t rebel if you have given them responsibilities and freedom whithin their own abilities.
Setting up rules such as bedtimes isn’t restricting their freedom, it’s teaching them good sleep hygiene.
Not giving them sweets until they are two is about protecting their health.
If you were stopping them from doing things, insisting on treating them as if they are 2yo when they are 5yo, then in the long term will rebel. But that’s different from having high standards of behaviour or a strict bedtime routine.

I was brought up like this, and when you are a little child I think it can give you a lot of security because it's really clear what the rules are (firm but fair).

I wouldn't take advice from regular smackers.

That said, I do think there could be some disadvantages- I am a very routine-oriented person as an adult and get quite stressed/anxious if the routine is disrupted, and I do lack spontaneity, having almost never practiced it as a child. Even my mum thinks she was a bit rigid now and is more relaxed with the grandchildren in terms of more treats and slightly less rigid bedtimes on holidays.

I think sometimes a very routine/expectations all laid out way of parenting can be about how the parents cope with the overwhelmingness of parenting as well, perhaps something to think about.

Tambien that's how I see it.

In general, it is better to have good sleeping habits, eat healthily etc. It is easier to be an adult if you have manners that will smooth your path socially and at work. I tend to think children need trained into these habits, and that is my role as a parent. Sometimes that means saying "no",or sticking to routine, or removing a privelege because of rudeness. Once the foundations are in place and ticking over nicely, then the DC can have the freedom to do what they like - but the boundaries and expectations have to be there first

I would dispute whether the camping/hiking thing is really very relaxed- if it was like our family, then you didn't have a choice if you went on a hike, there was plenty of encouragement, but it wasn't actually fun for me as a child and all attempts to get my parents to do anything differently would not have worked. It did ease up in the teen years, but I hate hiking/camping now.

Oh, it's very relaxed and my kids bloody love it. They've always been obsessed with outdoors. Camping with us tends to involve a lot of hot dogs, smores and bed time when you please. Unless DC2 insists on staying up all night to look out for his current obsession, fucking badgers not on this mountain kid

Lollies are a choke hazard! And I honestly believe that a decent bedtime routine is one of the best things you can do for a child - I know there are studies being done now to see if the symptoms of ADHD can be halted by improving sleep routines. (Including reducing screen time before bed - best never to go down the 'TV to fall asleep to' route in the first place). Doing bedtimes is one of the basics of parenting - along with feeding them and providing school uniform (or clothing if you are lucky enough to live in an area without uniform!)
Manners is different because we all find different things tolerable - like being interrupted. When mine were babies I would prioritise tending to them over my conversation - I think I saw it that I was on mat leave to do so. Now they are older I expect them to wait their turn, but the point at which that happens can vary between people.
Be firm with your kids that you do things your way, and even though cousins' parents' may have different rules, your kids do things your way. I relax screen time rules at other people's houses, but not table manners. I'm not sure why! Perhaps it's a question of degree!

I was wondering why the dogs were hot - had you been somewhere with hot springs? Why would the dogs be hot and not the people? Then I realised you meant 'sausage in a bun' type hot dog. Oopps

We do own a particularly sweaty springer

Sounds fine to me tbh. Kids need a routine, but this doesn't stop them having fun. Your approach sounds much better than freedom and smacking.

Although it's no-one else business really.