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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I too strict as a parent?

71 replies

Katyapples · 06/06/2018 10:48

I think Dh's family think I am.

My primary age DC have set bedtimes and I am quite firm about rules such as no snacks before dinner, homework done before play, pick up after yourself, restricted screen time etc. I expect them to have good manners and if they are rude or cheeky I pull them up on it, even if we are in company.

When I do this, I get comments from the inlaws along the lines of "leave the kids alone, they're just being kids" complete with tuts. DH comes from a large family and the children tend to set their own bedtimes, watch TV and eat sweets whenever they want. They are rarely disciplined, or told to be quiet/wait their turn. On saying this they are on the whole nice kids, and my children enjoy having a large group of cousins nearby.

I raise my children more or less the way I was raised. They're happy, ordinary kids who have nice friends, plenty of interests, and are doing well at school. I don't think I'm strict, I just parent differently- more routine led I suppose. On saying that, I thibk my children have freedoms that the other children in the family don't have - we go on long hikes and camping holidays and the DC are allowed to cook over camp fires, climb and swim (totally safe, DH and I are experienced in this sort of thing) but I know the cousins would never be allowed to do these things

Also, for example, Dh's family smack, I never have - yet I get the tuts and eye rolls when I pull my DC up on their manners. I can only imagine the reaction if I tutted when SIL slaps her toddler's legs.

I'm pregnant again, and I'm dreading the comments. With my first two, I didn't allow sweets or TV until they were almost two and I'll be doing the same with this one. In laws were appalled at this and always tried to give my year old babies chupa chup lollies, that sort of thing. Already the comments are starting.

DH is totally with me and doesn't think we're overly strict either, but I really start to doubt myself. We live in a village and most children seem to be raised closer to my in laws methods than mine. I don't think I'm always down on my children or spoiling their fun, but I'm made to feel as though I am

OP posts:

catinasplashofsunshine · 06/06/2018 13:38

Children who are very closely controlled and have their time structured for them all of the time do tend to be very dependant on adult/ authority figures. You can end up with children trained to do all sorts of things, but not to truly take responsibility for themselves and their time. That's the main pitfall.

Obviously the pitfalls of no structure and control at all are at least as bad, and far more people go that way than excessive control and structure, with the exception of institutionalised children and a handful of "tiger" parents...

You do have to gradually relax the control or young adults go off the rails when finally free from an over controlling parent, or go the other way and become anxious without someone else in control and a rigid externally enforced structure.

user1499173618 · 06/06/2018 13:40

I’m not keen on set bedtimes but with you on everything else, OP.

Ohyesiam · 06/06/2018 13:49

You sound like a really good parent to me. No rules for the sake of rules, just good boundaries for a reason.
Stick to your guns op.

VanGoghsLeftEar · 06/06/2018 14:01

You are stricter than me, but routine is important, teaching good health and manners is important. I have always let my daughter have as much screen time as she likes after chores and homework.

Nikephorus · 06/06/2018 14:25

You sound like a proper parent! Keep doing what you're doing.

dameofdilemma · 06/06/2018 14:25

Everyone has different parenting styles, ignore others telling you what is or isn't right/wrong.

Sometimes its just misunderstandings - I've had raised eyebrows at our 'no tv on school nights' rule but understanding nods when I explain I'm not paying the after school babysitter to watch tv...

Permissive parenting seems to be a bit of a thing at the mo...personally I think letting a 6 yr old choose their own bedtime on a school night or choose what they eat or how much tv they watch without any restriction is possibly nuts but each to their own.

NoSugarCoatingHere · 06/06/2018 14:42

It's good to see someone putting their children's needs before their children's wants these days. Your kids are getting adequate sleep, healthy meals and plenty of outdoor time along with well needed boundaries and discipline. All of which are helping them feel secure and develop properly. You're doing a brilliant job.

A routine and plenty of boundaries along with adequate discipline is the best way to bring up a child. You will have lovely, normal, polite adult children in the years to come.
The half arsed parents will not.

Eliza9917 · 06/06/2018 14:42

Go and look at the 'what's happening in London' thread and tell them to go fuck themselves. It this sort of 'parenting' that leads to kids thinking they can do what they like, when they like.

pigmcpigface · 06/06/2018 14:52

No, I don't think you're excessively strict - everything you describe sounds reasonable. But there's no 'one way' of parenting successfully - kids can be raised well by several different methods. This is yours, and it's right and valid for you.

You will probably have to loosen up quite a bit as they become teens, though! But I'm sure you already realise this.

I would call out the tuts when they next happen, in a gentle but firm way. "I know you mean well but please realise that everyone parents slightly differently - this is our way, and it's right for our family. Other ways are right for other families."

SilverySurfer · 06/06/2018 16:06

YADNBU. If I had to spend any length of time with children I would infinitely prefer to spend it with your DC than the far too many 'free spirits' who are being raised these days with no boundaries or discipline or any understanding of the word 'no'.

.You are doing a great job, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Narat · 06/06/2018 16:23

No I don't think you are too strict. I am a teacher ( Year 5) and don't class myself as strict but some of the parents think I'm very strict. It is all about opinions.

ThePants999 · 06/06/2018 19:26

It's about where the boundaries are, more than the degree to which you enforce them. It's ALWAYS sensible to be firm on rules - why have rules, otherwise? The decision, really, is more about what the rules ARE. Yours sound fine.

babydreamer1 · 06/06/2018 19:40

You sound great, exactly how I hope to raise our DS. Strict boundaries but lots of fun creating well rounded polite children.

Racecardriver · 06/06/2018 19:43

You sounds like a really good parent. Must be exhausting. Well done you. I am trying to be more like that (do let mine watch TV when I really shouldn't) and have never been camping in their lives.

BrandNewHouse · 06/06/2018 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Urubu · 06/06/2018 20:39

You sound like a great parent!

Ohsuchaperfectday · 06/06/2018 22:59

In not a huge fan of rules myself.
With more than dc it's hard to police... You often find older people dc had it worse thank younger when parents had given up 😂 having said that there is nothing that strict about your rules.. And in laws can find fault with anything.. That's different to what they did.

But... As comparison... Dd is raised in relaxed way.. She gets it when I explain stuff... She does her hw without any input from me... Top sets school and teaches always glowing about her. But her bf who seems very similar in character has different regime... She's obviously bright girl who wants to learn but mum micro manages hw... Stands over.. She has tons of chores, extra work... There was incident at school once with silly boy who brought in parents syringe... Her mum told me we would have to come down like a ton of bricks in them to stop them touching syringes...

I just explained infection broken skin to dd briefly in nice way.. Others dp came down like ton of bricks.

The point being... We are by standers really in our dc lives... The other mum may put her dd future success down to her hard hand... Ways.. But I think she will do well without the pressure...

Ohsuchaperfectday · 06/06/2018 23:02

Or the excess rules.

user1499173618 · 07/06/2018 09:09

Parents are not bystanders in their children’s lives. Parents are the standard setters. What standards you set and how you help your DV achieve them makes al the difference in the world...

user1499173618 · 07/06/2018 09:11

deadringer · 07/06/2018 09:52

I think your parenting sounds normal too, I like set bedtimes and expect good manners but i have to admit as I get older I have lightened up a fair bit. I don't set limits for screen time but if I feel my 9 year old is on her tablet a lot I will tell her to play with something else. It's not an issue though as she loves playing outside. Obviously sweets and TV aren't good for toddlers, that's a no brainer but after 27 years and 5 dc I have relaxed the rules, and my younger DC are every bit as nice and well mannered as my eldest. I wouldn't give a shit if anyone tutted at my parenting, especially if my dh was on board.

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