Am I too strict as a parent?

[Katyapples]

I think Dh's family think I am.

My primary age DC have set bedtimes and I am quite firm about rules such as no snacks before dinner, homework done before play, pick up after yourself, restricted screen time etc. I expect them to have good manners and if they are rude or cheeky I pull them up on it, even if we are in company.

When I do this, I get comments from the inlaws along the lines of "leave the kids alone, they're just being kids" complete with tuts. DH comes from a large family and the children tend to set their own bedtimes, watch TV and eat sweets whenever they want. They are rarely disciplined, or told to be quiet/wait their turn. On saying this they are on the whole nice kids, and my children enjoy having a large group of cousins nearby.

I raise my children more or less the way I was raised. They're happy, ordinary kids who have nice friends, plenty of interests, and are doing well at school. I don't think I'm strict, I just parent differently- more routine led I suppose. On saying that, I thibk my children have freedoms that the other children in the family don't have - we go on long hikes and camping holidays and the DC are allowed to cook over camp fires, climb and swim (totally safe, DH and I are experienced in this sort of thing) but I know the cousins would never be allowed to do these things

Also, for example, Dh's family smack, I never have - yet I get the tuts and eye rolls when I pull my DC up on their manners. I can only imagine the reaction if I tutted when SIL slaps her toddler's legs.

I'm pregnant again, and I'm dreading the comments. With my first two, I didn't allow sweets or TV until they were almost two and I'll be doing the same with this one. In laws were appalled at this and always tried to give my year old babies chupa chup lollies, that sort of thing. Already the comments are starting.

DH is totally with me and doesn't think we're overly strict either, but I really start to doubt myself. We live in a village and most children seem to be raised closer to my in laws methods than mine. I don't think I'm always down on my children or spoiling their fun, but I'm made to feel as though I am

I'm on the fence, what you describe is fairly normal parenting, so I'm wondering if the reality comes across very differently and that's why they react to you. No tv till two is quite unusual for example, not that it's bad, but quite rigid, or the way you pull them up may seem overly dictatorial or controlling. They are reacting to something as are uou. It sounds more than just parenting styles. However what you describe is at odds with that. You describe fairly normal parenting.

Ultimately though it's up to you both how you parent. I'd suspect the reality is their upbringing appears very controlled and that's what the family are reacting to. But it's hard to tell.

It's each to their own. I'm not terribly strict but my kids so far seem pretty decent human beings. Maybe it's a personality thing

How is what you're describing not just ordinary parenting? Sounds like you're doing things absolutely right, tbh.

@Katyapples the way you parent is just normal to me. They sound very lazy and not willing to guide their DC’s that’s best for their welfare. Also slapping a toddler is not only wrong but lazy parenting.

Keep going and just ignore them.

You come across as extremely secure in the way you choose to parent.

I found it was easy to be fairly strict when they were younger, and saw me as the person in charge.

Good luck once they hit teen years. I had to totally rethink parenting at that point

I would say I'm not as strict as you but I like a routine.

I have four kids and, now they are older, I'm pretty sure a couple of them have mild ASD issues. One in particular thrived as a kid but went very much off the rails with anxiety and stress in the unstructured environment of Uni.

My sister's kids are diagnosed with ASD and, though very bright, have lots of issues. They were brought up very, very chaotically. I do wonder if they would have had less problems with a more structured lifestyle.

For me rules are quite calming though. I know it's not like that for everyone.

Yanbu.

You sound similar to me, and yes I get the 'you're too strict/you have no patience' tutting. but then I've had people compliment it and say they wish others could be as firm. I can definitely be too snappy but good manners go far and routines are important. I remember dsis being horrified DS hadn't had a mcdonalds by 18 months and I had the lecture about 'treats'....*eye roll

You have to live with your kids, so they have to fit with you and you fit with them, the other people live elsewhere!

You are stricter than me by necessity. I’m too ill and bumble along as best I can. My dd is expected to have manners and do her homework but not before fun things, rather when I have the energy to help. She’s nearly 10 and bed time is a lot more flexible. She was tidying her room yesterday and was allowed to stay up to finish it til 9.30. Usually she’s in bed by 8.30/8.45. She still managed to wake up just fine. But she has plenty of energy - far more than many her age - and will recoup with an early night tonight or tomorrow. I follow the authoritative model of parenting as best I can.

As for letting their kids eat sweet, interrupt and smacking. They sound like quite permissive parents with poor boundaries and unclear rules. There is no way those children are happier than yours as they are probably punished today without explanation for doing exactly the same thing as yesterday, which was deemed just fine.

As long as you are relaxing the rules some of the time and having anything goes, fun days, I think you’re doing just fine. You say you do that when on holiday. Occasionally having a day, where anything goes, eg cinema (and popcorn / ice creams / sweets etc depending on ages), unlimited screen use or some such then becomes a treat.

You sound completely normal to me. There's no right or wrong way of doing things, but I hate it when ppl say leave them alone, they're only kids as where is the line between kids and not kids where you have to start laying down the law more re curfews instead of bedtimes and those kinds of things! I was quite strict with DD but we're now at a stage where I barely ever need to tell her off as she just gets it

Crack on. We are very strict on things like table manners etc. It is wearing but whenever any one of our 3 DCs visit elsewhere all we get is how well mannered they are. You are preparing them for a long life ahead, you are their parent first, best mate second. In time they will get this, maybe not now ( which can be disappointing) but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

'You come across as extremely secure in the way you choose to parent.'

This, and that's why I'm wondering why you're asking here. I think you know as well as I do that the way ILs do things isn't great, and that the description of your parenting sounds just the right balance of boundaries and adventure.

Just to add, my (lovely) teenage daughter used to say to me ' you are not the boss of me'. Ah, actually, I am. When you have your own children, you can do as you wish. She is 20 this year, totally gets it now and we laugh about the times she flew off the handle. I have lots of material for my father of the bride speech when it happens :)

I brought mine up in a very similar way OP and she's grown into a thoughtful, kind, polite, motivated, disciplined, funny, well liked young woman. When I asked her if she thought I was strict she said, 'Yes, thank god'!

Kids rarely suffer if they're given reasonable boundaries, and always suffer if they're not.

you and your dh sound like fantastic parents...can you come and raise mine?

You could perhaps lighten up a little bit but I'd say you're doing right by your children - I often let mine play before homework but they get a week to do it, and I think after school they need to wind down a bit

Mine also get sweets but regulated and snacks but not too close to dinner

I wouldn't tut if I saw my relative hit their child I'd be more verbal than that! They probably resort to hitting because they have zero boundaries!!

Btw I'm no saintly parent - DS is 6 and a total handful ... my brother finds it hard being with him, tho he's a bachelor and rubbish with kids and likes his own space and is very particular ... I am not lol 😆

You sound perfectly normal to me.

They smack their children - why don't you say anything?

On the face of it you don't sound super strict, although stricter than me. I don't care about when homework gets done as long as it's done and if they want a plum or a biscuit half an hour before dinner, I won't stop them. They know to check if the table is set or not.

Do you ever relax the rules though? I am not as strict about bedtimes when we're spending time with family.
My DC probably get away with being a bit cheekier when they're hyped up playing with their cousins, and if they're in the middle of a game of mario kart having fun with our friends kids I'm not going to spoil their fun because they've had their allowed screen time.

I wonder if your like my DH, if he feels family or friends DC are not being parented to his standards he will over compensate and be strict with our DC so as to show the lax parent how it should be done.

It's all about balance isn't it. If your kids are happy and have freedom to structure their own some and make their own decisions, and know you trust them and are confident in their age appropriate abilities, then balancing it with control and monitoring where necessary is quite right - you've just put different things on different sides of the balance. They need both control and freedom, just as they need both affection and authority, but we all know that instinctively.

I'm curious, as a mother of 3 myself, about how on earth you're going to totally prevent dc3 ever watching TV if you let dc1 and 2 watch it though! I found I had to be infinitely more flexible with how I parented dc3 for practical reasons (dc1 and 2 are 2 years apart so easy, but by the time dc3 came along dc1 was 5.5 - you can't parent a 1 year old the same way when you also have a 6.5 and a 4.5 year old as you parented the first and second 1 year olds, it's just impossible if you're alone with them a lot.

*their own time not some

You sound similar to us too - toddler is very free range but we pay attention to food, manners and screen time. I don't think it has to be rigid - sometimes 'setting firm boundaries' can be interpreted in quite a punitive way, but actually it can be done in a very loving way that, as you say, makes for healthy and secure kids. With food, teachi g them to enjoy preparing and sharing a range of food sers them up for a lifetime of a healthy, enjoyable relationahip with food which is increasingly rare. With screen time, if they never had it before 2 they won't have missed it and teaching/modelling healthy screen habits is vital in the modern age I reckon.

I think your parenting sounds fine.

I wouldn't take parenting advice from someone who smacks their children.

You sound like me, I think I’m pretty normal and my kids are well behaved. However I do sometimes get the feeling My mum friends think I’m too strict with my kids.