Is stinginess the most unattractive character flaw

[DrowningEveryDay]

in a potential partner?

And could you share stories of stinginess that turned you off?

I’ve just remembered!! When I had my first baby and in a bad way, I read somewhere that you should accept every offer of help because people did really want to be useful. My MIL asked if there was anything we needed as she was calling. I asked could she bring a few basic groceries like bread and milk, because I was too jaded to walk to shop. She brought a sliced pan and some ham and asked me for the exact money as she walked in the door. I’d forgotten that. She also turns off the heat and hot water if we visit for more than one night.

‘Stinginess’ is highly subjective. One person’s stinginess is another person’s prudence and financial security. One person’s generosity is another person’s financial irresponsibility.

As long as it isn’t taken to ridiculous extremes, there are worse attributes than hating waste and being careful with money.

I also dated a bloke like this when I was at Uni. I dumped him after a couple of weeks because I realised that he viewed the whole world the same way - that is, how much it owed him. If he did something nice he expected and demanded that he was paid back for it.

Worse than that, was the realisation that he spent hours and hours reckoning it all out. That was what was going on in his head all the time. No space for joy or kindness or gladness for others.

I also think he genuinely had no idea how different he was from other people. I get the same impression from those on this thread that defend stinginess. It is normal to them and they have no idea how blighted they are.

‘Stinginess’ is highly subjective.

Sure, but most people on here ARE talking about 'ridiculous extremes' – haggling over 24p, washing up in cold water, not having heating even when you can afford it.

I've got to agree with others: stinginess is a rotten, mean-spirited joyless state to be in, and it shows in every action the mean person makes. I remember being in the supermarket and watching this couple going round the aisles, and every item the woman picked up to put in the trolley, the man would question her about it, sneer at her and place it back on the shelf. I recall feeling deep pity for her. No relationship is worth that.

Went on a blind date (for context, I was already pissed off because he had lied significantly about his height)
He said he would drive us there (we lived in the same town at the time) it was a five minute drive.
We were going to the cinema and for food. Total came to £35. I offered to split it and he went ‘no, I did the driving, I assumed you would be paying.’
I was 18 and skint and that was my entire weekly wage from my Saturday job. I paid anyway so as not to make a scene. Didn’t see that one again.

Who ends up with these stingy people? And does stinginess beget stinginess?

Bigotry, small mindedness, set in their ways, poor hygiene, lazy, downer/negative, lots of shit ‘bantz’, mean sense of ‘humour’ aimed at making others feel shit, selfish, lack of empathy, tight, unambitious and thick.

There was most definitely a stingy trait in my mother's family. It was presented as "virtuous frugality", and contrasted to the deadly sin of "extravagance". But stinginess it was, and bedfellow to ridiculous virtue signalling and being "charitable" (a "duty") at other, more generous, people's expense.

My friends husband is very generous they can never pay their bills

Also can’t afford a mortgage dispite them both earning nearly double our combined income they often have people round for dinner all the time so much so they struggle to feed themselves

I don’t mind being classed as tight but my bills are paid and obligations at mer

I agree it's subjective.

I had an abusive ex who once called me "tight".

He would buy alcohol every night; wine mostly, but would then buy Morrison's own brand white label lasagne etc.

I was careful with money but he seemed to forget that I was paying a mortgage (which was in my name,) council tax, bills and food for us and my dc. Yet he moaned that I never bought the alcohol All while he was living in my house rent/bill free whilst calling me tight.

Luckily he was only here 3 months but still I bet now he tells his new love interests about his "crazy" ex who was "tight"

People who call others tight are usually very bad with money

Also I hate owning money or being owed not even a penny

Went on a date, guy paid for only his coffee. End of romance. Even the homeless man i have coffee with from time to time spots me a coffee- no joke.

A friend had a boyfriend give her an excel spreadsheet at the end of the holiday. They are now married...... and she moans about him being stingy...

How about a partner that over spends and then can't pay..... there are plenty of bad traits........ You make your bed and the you lie in them.

Stinginess is unattractive but there are definitely worse things. Also there’s a balance to be struck with money - having no financial control is unattractive too.

You can be good with money and not stingy. I know lots of people are INCREDIBLY mean with other people and treat themselves like princesses.
One of my friends was 40 last year and one of our group couldn’t come out to celebrate because she was a bit broke. As a treat I brought friend out to get a blow dry in a fancy spa before dinner and there was our buddy leaving after a spa day. Not an isolated occurrence, she just prefers to spend money on herself.

My MIL. Picked her 2 loaves of bread up, no money offered but I wouldn't of accepted it anyway it's just normal in my family pick each other milk/bread/butter up and it all evens out.

Asked my DH (her DS) to go to the shop for her fags (about 7 miles away) as her car was in the garage and the local shop was shut. Gave him a ten pound note.

Off he went, came back gave her a quid change. She said no she wanted it all, aka the extra 4p she then mentioned that intact the local shop (2 minute walk away) was actually open but she didn't use it as they charged an extra couple of pence on her brand cigarettes.

She is not poor or in debt. My DH thankfully is nothing like that.

Who ends up with these stingy people?

Weirdly I can think of two people (women) I know who've ended up with super-stingy partners and both of them began the marriage/relationship as kindhearted and generous and have gradually had all of that kindness eroded by the sheer unkindness of their DPs and become just like them. We went out with one of the couples over Christmas and saw a show then had supper in Covent Garden. DH and I did our usual trick of ordering cocktails and getting a little pissed, they drank water and sneered as one of the DC ordered lobster claws (it was Big Easy, so hardly upmarket Michelin starred stuff) but sat and happily talked about how much they have squirrelled away in their ISAs and savings. They looked so unhappy the whole time, arguing about who ate more (they paid separately for their meals, which I've never seen a married couple do before). I wouldn't ever want to go out for dinner with them again and I love eating out. It just brings everyone down when people behave that way.

DH is the kindest man I've ever met. With his money, yes. But also with the things which can define a marriage and it's happiness; his time, his energy, his love, his everything. There's nothing he has either physically or emotionally that he wouldn't share, not just with me but our DC, too. Above all of his other traits I value his kindness most of all.

My Dh is totally like believeinthemoon's Dh. Giving and generous in his mind, heart, time, everything!
We've probably met at the Big Easy over steak and lobster!!

I disagree that these are extremes. I can spot someone tight, both monetary wise, but also in their non giving nature, of their time, mindset, and generosity of heart, a mile off.

My ex was really stingy and it was unattractive and boring. I love a yellow sticker item as much as the next mumsnetter but he would ONLY eat from that aisle. Wouldn’t matter if he hated the food or if it was a rank combination. He couldn’t accept that it’s ok to splash out every once in a while.

I think there’s a difference between frugal and mean. My DF is careful with money due to his childhood. Uses vouchers etc but spends hours doing this for his kids. A friend I had who was a potential DP was different in attitude as he was happy to gain at the expense of others, eg would always come over coincidentally at dinner time, never brought anything etc

Spends hours doing THINGS for his kids that should read.

There are definitely a few stingy people on this thread! I've either got money or I haven't (after paying bills) I'm not bad with money, nor flash or 'generous' . I just don't split hairs!

"People who call others tight are usually very bad with money "

I disagree. I'm not, and Dh isn't and he's more generous with him time, but he's not silly with money.

I think a lot of these posters I would actually label as tight!!

user, you are spot on. As I posted earlier, my mum is stingy in all ways, but is very vocal about her Christian beliefs - the only generosity she ever offers is to pray for someone.

The other thing that strikes me about her, and other stingy people mentioned in this thread, is that they seem to be happy for others to be generous - my mum counts every penny, every effort she makes, every minute she might spend on others etc, but expects others to go the extra mile for her. To me, that is what differentiates someone who is frugal from someone who is stingy: the mindset that "what's mine is mine, what's yours is mine too".
I agree with everyone that says it's not just a meanness with money, it's a whole mindset of meanness.