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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be resentful

84 replies

Dogdogcat · 05/06/2018 17:17

I had DS five weeks ago. He's a bit of a cranky baby and I haven't found it easy, I'm a first time mum in my forties. DP has never been around babies, also in his forties, and is still pretty awkward with baby although he always changes him when he is home. Because of issues shortly after DS was born he is formula fed and I am pumping breast milk to supplement. I'm trying to pump 8-9 times a day. I do all the feedings.

DP is from a different country and he had been looking forward to a class reunion for years. It will be one week, scheduled for the first week of July. While I was pregnant, I told him I didn't mind if he went. He also has some family commitments to take care of so I figured maybe a 2 week trip, which would have been a stretch but in my ignorance I thought I could cope. He booked a five week trip. He didn't see the point in going that far for two weeks. I told him at the time it was too long, that he would miss out on bonding time and that baby won't even know who he is when he gets back. It never occurred to me that I might not be able to cope. Well DS was born and now I am looking at those five weeks and I'm wondering how I will do it. I'm also feeling trapped and very resentful. If I go out to the shop for an hour I inevitably get a call asking me to come back, but he is swanning off for a five week holiday with his buddies. It's had a negative impact on our relationship because I'm resentful, hormonal, tired and tbh, not that nice. The trip is going to happen and I'm afraid our relationship will not withstand it.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 05/06/2018 17:24

Sorry you’re feeling like this but honestly it doesn’t last. I have a two week old and it’s very difficult not to feel resentful at times - my DP is great but he hasn’t changed a nappy before (third D.C.) and he doesn’t soothe our baby or feed them and I’m lucky if he’s around so I can use the toilet most of the time never mind an hour at the shops! I also have two other children to juggle. He works in London and gets to spend his evenings with friends etc and show up at the weekends and that’s that. Its very frustrating... but this phase doesn’t last, and we can start going away with him once baby is older.

It’s very difficult to tell a first time Mum this, because honestly those first couple of months especially are hell on Earth! But honestly it does get so much better and easier.

Your DP shouldn’t be going away, but you got this! You can do this. He’s just one baby. You’ll be absolutely fine.

marjorie25 · 05/06/2018 17:32

This is my motto and yes it is so simple to say, but:

if the DP dies tomorrow, would you be able to cope - Yes, because you would have to.
So let the man go on his trip, have a good talk before he goes and make him understand that on his return you will need at least a couple of days (depending on how much time you want to be away from your baby) just for you.
Whilst he is away use this time to bond with the baby, do what you want. If you feel like staying in bed all day , do it.
Before he returns, get a cleaning lady to come in and give the house a thorough clean courtesy of his bank account.

bluemascara · 05/06/2018 17:36

The cool wives are out in force today!
Op I don't think yabu
I think he is bvu to piss of for 5 full weeks and leave you with a new born.

PotOfMemories · 05/06/2018 17:38

The first two posters are on another planet. 5 fucking weeks?! Fuck that to hell and bach, he's being a selfish twunt.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/06/2018 17:39

Tell him it’s two weeks only. Make him change it.

And start going out to the shops via a nice coffee shop more and switch your phone off. The only way he will learn to parent is if he’s forced to do it without being able to hand baby back to you.

He sounds selfish.

strayducks18 · 05/06/2018 17:41

A 5 week jolly whilst you have a newborn? Fuck that!! Why should the OP just suck it up and cope? Sheesh!

beluga425 · 05/06/2018 17:43

Come on first 2 posters, 5 weeks is a bloody long time. I've seen people on here moaning about their DH having a weekend away. Just because you can get by doesn't mean you should have to.
Can he shorten it. Remind him of how he calls you if you're gone for more than five minutes. Then go out.

Oswin · 05/06/2018 17:47

Why should she get the house bloody cleaned for his returns?

minipie · 05/06/2018 17:53

I'd suggest leaving him with the baby for a full day and night. (You probably need a serious catch up on sleep by now anyway.) You don't have to go out but are strictly on cuddle duties only, and pumping if you choose. He does all the work.

Then, once he's seen how hard it is, tell him to multiply that by 35 and ask him whether it's reasonable to leave you to it for 5 weeks.

If he's not a cock he will see this is not on. I hope for your sake he's not a cock.

Those saying you'll be fine either had easy babies or have rose tinted spectacles.

Racecardriver · 05/06/2018 17:57

YANBU. If it is give weeks he really should be taking you with him. But you will be just fine. Do you have anyone who you can arrange to come visit you? I would also suggest arranging grocery deliveries before he leaves so that you don't need to worry about that.

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/06/2018 17:59

Someone has their 1950’s housewife manual out; have the house cleaned before the return of the conquering hero?!

FFS the man is going on a five week holiday and that’s what you suggest. He was an absolute wankstain to book himself five weeks when you agreed two.

restingbemusedface · 05/06/2018 18:02

5 weeks? Nah mate.

My DP went on a 2 night stag do when we had 4 week old twins and I still bring it up 2 years on. Now he has a kid he should never be going away for that amount of time unless absolutely necessary

HollowTalk · 05/06/2018 18:05

Love how the wife should get the house cleaned using his money as though that isn't going to affect her finances at all.

Ffs, OP, I'd bloody well divorce over this! Tell him to grow up and stay and support you with the baby. Five weeks?! I'm in shock!

StatisticallyChallenged · 05/06/2018 18:06

5 weeks when you have a newborn?? No fucking chance.

He's completely and utterly taking the piss

SittingAround1 · 05/06/2018 18:10

YANBU it's too long.
He needs to cut it back to 2 weeks (even that is too long imo).

catinasplashofsunshine · 05/06/2018 18:11

He has freely chosen to swan off on a five week jolly - not an essential, unavoidable work trip to keep the roof over your head, nor to sit at the bedside of his dying mother, but a 5 week holiday without his partner and child, when his only child is going to be about twelve weeks old.

The man is from another planet, not another country, and do are the first two posters.

Of course you'll cope, but why the fuck hasn't he begged you to go with him - is the other country Australia? If it's less than a 5 hour flight then going with isn't ridiculous, and he should have at least hoped you'd want to.

He shouldn't want to go away from you both for so long at this time. The fact he does makes him look like an irredeemable wanker.

You'll get into your stride as a single parent in that time frame. You may find you don't want him back, and accidentally change the locks...

PotOfMemories · 05/06/2018 18:12

my DP is great but he hasn’t changed a nappy before (third D.C.) and he doesn’t soothe our baby or feed them and I’m lucky if he’s around so I can use the toilet most of the time never mind an hour at the shops! I also have two other children to juggle. He works in London and gets to spend his evenings with friends etc and show up at the weekends and that’s that

If that's your definition of great then you need to raise your standards.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 18:18

What's the point in telling her to mak him change it, that he's being unreasonable when she's clearly stated he is going and that's not going to change.

Op my husband was in the forces , he went away three months at a time, three months on three months off. Honestly you will cope just fine.

If your marriage is good apart from this, then wanting to end it and be a single parent, when you're worried about five weeks on your own, never mind rhe next 18 years isn't really logical.

Can uou make it easier for yourself? Do you need to pump so often per day? Honestly it's more important you and uour baby are relaxed than you are trying to express milk and it seems exhausting you. Do what you can to make it easier on yourself.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 05/06/2018 18:18

Resentful is a nice restrained word for how I would feel.A prearranged 2 weeks I would suck up and get organised for but 5 weeks even without a baby and I would be raging.

Pigsears · 05/06/2018 18:19

I can see why it would be annoying. But you might cope better without him there- especially if he isn't really helping (calling after an hour when at the shops isn't good
..) You will get into a rhythm and routine without him. He has more to worry about imo as you two will be more of a unit after that amount of time and he might feel like he is an outsider.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/06/2018 18:19

5 weeks? Shock
He's taking the absolute piss there OP. 2 at the most is just about ok in my eyes.

Sounds like the relationship is fragile anyway OP. If he goes for 5 weeks you know exactly how much he considers you and your baby.

You never know OP it might answer whether you actually want to be with him.

Pigsears · 05/06/2018 18:20

Bluntness said it so much better than me.

Olddear · 05/06/2018 18:21

Is he Jacob Rees-Mogg?

apostropheuse · 05/06/2018 18:22

Five weeks is ridiculous! Tell him to amend it to two, as agreed. Is it too far for you and the baby to travel with him if he's going to be staying with family? Only if you would want to go of course.

Completely selfish and childish behaviour on his part.

timeisnotaline · 05/06/2018 18:23

I would do as pps suggest- leave him with the baby for a full night and day, no phone calls no help, then make him change the trip to two weeks. And book a cleaner / home help etc during those two weeks.