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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be resentful

84 replies

Dogdogcat · 05/06/2018 17:17

I had DS five weeks ago. He's a bit of a cranky baby and I haven't found it easy, I'm a first time mum in my forties. DP has never been around babies, also in his forties, and is still pretty awkward with baby although he always changes him when he is home. Because of issues shortly after DS was born he is formula fed and I am pumping breast milk to supplement. I'm trying to pump 8-9 times a day. I do all the feedings.

DP is from a different country and he had been looking forward to a class reunion for years. It will be one week, scheduled for the first week of July. While I was pregnant, I told him I didn't mind if he went. He also has some family commitments to take care of so I figured maybe a 2 week trip, which would have been a stretch but in my ignorance I thought I could cope. He booked a five week trip. He didn't see the point in going that far for two weeks. I told him at the time it was too long, that he would miss out on bonding time and that baby won't even know who he is when he gets back. It never occurred to me that I might not be able to cope. Well DS was born and now I am looking at those five weeks and I'm wondering how I will do it. I'm also feeling trapped and very resentful. If I go out to the shop for an hour I inevitably get a call asking me to come back, but he is swanning off for a five week holiday with his buddies. It's had a negative impact on our relationship because I'm resentful, hormonal, tired and tbh, not that nice. The trip is going to happen and I'm afraid our relationship will not withstand it.

OP posts:
Snausage · 05/06/2018 19:04

OP, you are not being unreasonable and the first two posters must be on crack. There's no way in any universe that your DP has behaved in an acceptable way.
And to compare this to someone in the forces is not even remotely the same, @Bluntness100.

If my DP had done this I'd be telling him to think very carefully about his actions, because if he'd fucked off for a 5 week jolly he'd know not to even bother coming back.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/06/2018 19:04

5 weeks is taking the absolute piss!

Tbh going on a 2 week jolly when you have a newborn is unreasonable. 5 weeks is astounding!

I can't get my head around him even wanting to be away from his baby for that long, let alone being willing to leave you to cope alone.

Sounds like a relationship breaker to me.

userabcname · 05/06/2018 19:05

5 weeks???!! That's ridiculous. I would be telling him to halve it to be honest. He is a parent now. He doesn't just get to swan off doing what he pleases when he pleases.

Snausage · 05/06/2018 19:06

PS. You will cope OP, and you will be fine and you will have the opportunity to build a very strong bond with your baby.

My point, though, is that you shouldn't HAVE to just cope.

Crunchymum · 05/06/2018 19:12

The OP doesn't say they agreed on 2 weeks, she says she figured it would be a 2 week trip?

I'm assuming he's from Oz or NZ? Its the only destination to me that warrants such a long 5 week trip?

How long does he usually go for?

I'm not a cool wife, I'd be livid and (irrationally or not) tell him to change his plans and be back after 2 weeks.

ToastedBagel88 · 05/06/2018 19:13

I can't believe anyone would want to be away from their newborn for that long, and don't think I'd want to be with a man who would voluntary be away from his newborn for that long.

Moreisnnogedag · 05/06/2018 19:13

Five weeks?! Bloody hell. What on earth is his annual leave entitlement to get that in one go and will he have any left?

It's different for forces/work etc because presumably when you discuss having children that kind of thing gets discussed and agreed beforehand, whereas this is a pure piss take.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 05/06/2018 19:14

My dh had a trip booked for when ds should have been 2 weeks old. Ds was 5 weeks early and dh cancelled his trip. No way did he want to miss the early days with his ds. I encouraged him to still go - genuinely - but he wasn't interested.
If he had been keen to go for 5 weeks our relationship would have been over.

Crunchymum · 05/06/2018 19:20

April I don't get why he booked the trip for when baby was going to be 2 weeks?

Sorry you had a premmie but I'm not sure how your DP going away when baby was 2 weeks was fine, given how he didn't want to miss the early days? Confused

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 05/06/2018 19:23

Id move elsewhere when he was away. These selfish men should fuck off

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 05/06/2018 19:27

Annual sports event he takes part in with family members. Mil snubbed us all after he cancelled.
Over 3 years nc now!!!!
Ds is his pfb and he had never even held a baby!! He had no idea the impact being a df would have tbh!!

FatherMackenzie · 05/06/2018 19:30

5 weeks for a holiday without you or the baby? Fuck that.

I’m having to pretty much exclusively pump for my 4mo and it’s hard going as you’re pumping and also doing all the feeds. Dh had to start doing the nightfeeds at about 5 weeks as I was exhausted pumping and feeding all night.

If dh went away for 5 weeks, even now, I honestly think I’d need to hire in help, as I’m at home with two young dcs and we have no family support at all. We have another dc, but I would have felt the same with ‘just’ the baby.

Do you have any family nearby? I’d be asking them for a lot of help during his trip away if not hiring extra childcare.

Why did he book this without even thinking to invite you and his new baby along? Seems a very weird time to decide on a jolly.

ReservoirDogs · 05/06/2018 19:32

Can you not both go too?

hange · 05/06/2018 19:37

Erm I would not have coped. Even if dh died I would not have coped. Sorry OP but I’m with you here. He needs to sort this out. Two weeks maybe. 5 weeks wtf. That’s just disrespectful. Hope you sort it.

hange · 05/06/2018 19:39

@ReservoirDogs that’s exactly what I would do. Self invite if I had to.

PuppetOnAString · 05/06/2018 19:40

I have a two week old and it’s very difficult not to feel resentful at times - my DP is great but he hasn’t changed a nappy before (third D.C.) and he doesn’t soothe our baby or feed them and I’m lucky if he’s around so I can use the toilet most of the time never mind an hour at the shops! I also have two other children to juggle. He works in London and gets to spend his evenings with friends etc and show up at the weekends and that’s that

Yeah your husband is anything but great. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 19:41

Maybe she doesn't want to go. Maybe the thought of being in a strange country for five weeks with a new born scares her more than five weeks alone in this one. She hasn't said where rhe country is, or what the medical facilities are like there, nor the health risks that may be in thar country.

kello · 05/06/2018 19:45

Er no. Is there nothing he can do to reduce it to 2 weeks? I counted the minutes till my DP came home in those early months. Unless you have a lot of family support around you then it is not fair AT ALL for you to be left with the baby on your own.

DorothyBastard · 05/06/2018 19:48

Five fucking weeks? Is your DH on a different planet? There’s no way my DH would want to be away from his newborn baby for that long. I wonder if he’s escaping, especially if he’s uncomfortable and unhelpful with the baby as it is

Fruitcorner123 · 05/06/2018 19:51

DuchyDuke a lot of people can't afford those things.

Original poster
Dogdogcat · 05/06/2018 19:51

Thank you for your replies. I feel more encouraged. He's from Sri Lanka and we live in Canada so it's over 20 hours. He usually goes for 5-6 weeks. He's a teacher so he has his summers off. I don't want to go. I think it would be way too much for DS. Not to make excuses, but he really is a good guy. I think though that, like me, he (stupidly) didn't realize how much was involved with looking after a baby. We were both used to being independent and probably selfish. I told him I didn't sign up for being a single parent. I think he feels bad, but I know he won't cancel or change the ticket. It was the absolute lowest priced ticket he could buy and is non-refundable.
The first week my sister has arranged for two old friends to come for a visit so that will be good. There will be four of us (all mums) cuddling and caring for DS. It's the other four weeks that have me concerned. As many of you have said, I will cope because I will have to. I'm just really resentful that he's doing it and that he can do it. I love DS to bits, but life is very different than it used to be, and even if I wanted to take just a day for myself I know that I can't. The hormones are not helping with this and I think I may have some baby blues.

OP posts:
GinUnicorn · 05/06/2018 20:00

Can you get him to look into a cheap return flight a bit earlier. Him being there for you is more important than money.

I'd be very unhappy with this. Can you remind him this is family time and your little one should have his dad around too.

Good luck. Of course you will cope but agree with the many you shouldn't have to.

Urubu · 05/06/2018 20:07

Could your DM come live with you when he is away? Or maybe a mother's helper for a couple of h every day?

Plumsofwrath · 05/06/2018 20:14

I’d have felt the same way in your shoes. Trapped and resentful.

I’m th circumstances, I think I’d do the best I could. You’ve got company the first week: could you take the baby to stay with family or friends for some time during the remaining four weeks? Have your sister come over again alone? Just something to break it up?

Original poster
Dogdogcat · 05/06/2018 20:20

My DM is in hospital, which is another thing stressing me out. She went in early yesterday morning and should be out by Thursday. She is in her late 70s though so I couldn't ask her for help. I live 2.5 hours from my parents and sister. I may be able to stay with my sister and her family when DP is gone. We stay there often when we are in the city. I just don't want to be a burden, a month is a long to stay at someone's house. I don't really know anyone where we live so if I stay here, I will be on my own.

OP posts: