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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not know how to handle this 'mean' friend?

62 replies

lill72 · 05/06/2018 16:37

Tell me what you think...

I am friends with a group - we were a mothers group put together a few years ago. It has taken me a long while to see this, but the seemingly sweet as pie mum is actually a mean girl underneath and Im finding i harder and harder to be around her. I wouldnt bother, only I like the other mums.

Increasingly I have realised things that she does...

Tries to create a little sub gang where she invites another mum back to her house after an event and tells you though youre not invited. Trying to make me feel excluded.

Taking over all events as if they are hers. I organised a group outing recently and she took it over like it was hers.

Always taking the helm organising everything and not letting anyone else have a thought - things like group trips or more recently a group present. All the ideas I put forward were poo pooed, she just told us what we were spending and what on for our friends birthday. Everyone else says great, I say why dont we have a vote and I somehow end up looking like the bad one as I have an opinion.

Same goes for group trips. She tells us where we are going, for how long and what is costs. I said on one trip the length of stay would not work and it was like it or lump it. No consideration.

I went on a trip with her friends who I did no know. She just raced to the biggest room, not including me and I was left to share a room with a couple of her friends which by the way were grogeous and I had an amazing trip. It was on this trip I realised how mean she was. It was out of the usual context of our group. She expected us all to wait while she shopped at certain shops, but then when I asked to go back to one place she said Ive already been there, dont want to go again. The country was one where it was not safe to travel alone . One of the other girls said she would come with me in the end which was very kind.

She makes fun of me in front of others and tries to make people thing she is very down to earth when she is trying very hard to be a person from the same country as her husband as it is seen more highly than her country. She thinks she is more cultured and worldly ,/

Ugh. Anyway I dont know if I'm describing it very well but frankly the behaviour is very school girl and ive had enough. It does not make e feel good.

Latest is her asking to use my regular babysitter on one occasion or so I thought, then booking her for more occasions at events we were both going to. When I brought this up with her, as she had got in before me to book the babysitter, she just said you snooze, you lose and then went on to tell me how great this babysitter is. Ah yes, I know!! I told her off on this occasion but she is just cunning about everything. The babysitter has been the straw that has broken the camels back so to speak as she really got into my business with this one and did not seem to care what she did to me, even after bringing it up on a couple of ocassions.

Problem is no one else sees it - they think she is sweet as pie.
Why am I the only one to see it? I think she knows what she is doing but then with the whole taking over and organising things has seemingly no idea of others feelings?

Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you handle them? I am just keeping my distance, but have to have a bit of interaction due to group things.

Help!!!!

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 05/06/2018 16:42

You sound very childish. You can't dictate who uses "your" babysitter

MaidofHulaHoopz · 05/06/2018 16:51

You don't sound childish at all. But try and detach yourself emotionally as this person clearly isn't a positive influence in your life.

Keep your distance, as you're doing. Make more time for people you genuinely like.

lill72 · 05/06/2018 16:52

Oh give over. I was not meaning 'my babysitter'!!!

OP posts:
lill72 · 05/06/2018 16:55

Thanks Maid - yes I am keeping my distance. Unfortunately her behaviour is by default affecting my relationships with the others. Maybe it is just time to move on. I have met lovely mums through DD school who are nothing like this girl.

OP posts:
CloudCaptain · 05/06/2018 16:57

Well you've clocked her now so you know not to confide/rely/or help her in any way. Just keep your distance, try to spend time with the other members of the group.

Aridane · 05/06/2018 16:57

She sounds awful- put some distance between you

WilburIsSomePig · 05/06/2018 17:00

Oh I know EXACTLY the kind of person you mean. Distance yourself from her.

ParellelReality · 05/06/2018 17:01

Didn't you post about the babysitter thing recently? If so, I think you need to find something else to do.

Neverender · 05/06/2018 17:01

I haven't got any mean friends and if they were mean they wouldn't be my friends. It seems you have the choice whether to suck it up so you can go to all these events or make a social life away from her?

marjorie25 · 05/06/2018 17:05

I would keep things as close to my chest as possible.
Next time she ask if you know anyone who could help her out, just say not really. Do not give her any information to use against you.
She sounds very insecure to me and very manipulative. Watch your back and your business.
Don't discuss your private/emotional stuff with the other ladies, because she will find ways of getting the information from them.
I would say go on the trips, but do your research beforehand and plan what you need to do. You don't even have to tell her until you are there and say today I plan on going to X instead of Y with you all. See you later. That will really piss her off.
If she complains just put it out there that this is a group effort, not her private group.
The others ladies are probably loving this, because they don't have to do anything but turn up.
Lastly, make sure when you go out to eat, do not under any circumstance have a combined bill. Just pay for what you eat. She sound like someone who would order champagne and then say: Oh how about we just split the bill between the number of us.
Shame goes for hotel, if she is having the largest room, she needs to pay for that room. From the sound of what you wrote sounds like she is using all you ladies for to travel cheaply.

rosesandflowers · 05/06/2018 17:07

I know the sort of person you're talking about. It seems so minor but is so impactful.

Try a gentle, patronising tone with her.

"Well, we should wait and all go to this shop together ... I daresay others will want to go."

"Oops, [Lauren], that's a great idea but when I planned this trip I had something different in mind."

"Oh, I thought you came from [insert country]! How silly of me!"

(About the babysitter); "ah well. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!"

lill72 · 05/06/2018 17:10

parellel - since you have had the time to read both posts, maybe I could say the same!!!

OP posts:
ScipioAfricanus · 05/06/2018 17:11

Well the way I handled it with my baby group (Queen Bee with many others dancing attendance) was to stop seeing them all. I am still friends with the one other nice one (or maybe we are both the nasty ones). It felt great not to be belittled by her at every opportunity. But only worked as the others, who may have been nice on their own, were just awful when pandering to her royal horribleness.

summerinrome · 05/06/2018 17:14

There is no mileage in this friendship for you. Quietly detach and find some other kinder friends to spend your time with.

Choose one or two nicer friends from the group and get together one to one without the group so you can develop friendships without her.

She is the queen bee of the group, you are her subject, you won't change her or the hive, so leave and find more pleasant pastures.

borlottibeans · 05/06/2018 17:15

She sounds insufferable and personally I'd stay well away. If you like the others, why not organise something just with one or two of them? No reason you all have to do everything as a big group (at least not a reason she can state without looking like an arse!)

RatherBeRiding · 05/06/2018 17:18

I think you need to be more selective about who you spend time with as she is obviously spoiling the group dynamic for you, and if the others aren't that bothered then there's not much you can do except go along with it, or continue to feel excluded by her.

It's sad when you've been friends with the others for a while, but friendships change and evolve and maybe it's time to make a new group of friends.

hollieberrie · 05/06/2018 17:21

Oh god its the worst when you can see what someone is really like and no-one else can. So frustrating! I was actually talking about this with my colleague today - we are soo frustrated that we can see right through senior manager but no-one else can, they think she is sweet as pie! She isnt at all... very manipulative.

Not sure what to advise, but eventually the others will hopefully cotton on. In the meantime, I'd keep your contact with her to a bare minimum.

honeylulu · 05/06/2018 17:23

I know this sort too. Ugh! Their charisma seems to blind a lot of people to how horrible they really are. It never fails to amaze me but I see it time and time again.

TobysAunt · 05/06/2018 17:24

I don't think these 'groups' ever work unless your very accommodating and just let stuff slide over you which is probably what the people who you th link haven't noticed what she is doing are about .

I know someone a little like you describe. TBH, nothing good will come of trying to expose her or deal with her. These types will twist everything to their advantage. So disengage and keep your opinions quiet. Sooner or later she will cause ructions with someone else. The person I am thinking of will do something pretty awful and then crop up a few months later being all nice. Me being a dipstick have forgotten all about the last misdeed so go along with it. I have learnt to repeat 'she is not your friend' in my head. Works a treat Wink

Jaxhog · 05/06/2018 17:25

Move on. If the other Mums don't see what you see, then maybe they don't mind her bossy ways in the same way you do. Frustrating, I know, but things won't change unless she moves on.

lill72 · 05/06/2018 17:27

Thanks all for the suggestions.

Majorie and Roses - some very good sugestions thanks

Majorie she actually is very generous . This is a cultural thing from what I gather. But it really disguises what else is going on rather well. I noticed on the trip I went on with her friends that she was very mean to another girl who i guess like me is rather sensitive and gentle in soul. We are in a way easy to pick on. But aside from the generous thing, she is not kind in spirit. How do the others not see it all? She knows I can see what is really going on. But she probably talks badly behind my back to make me look the bad one. Think the whole group think I never organise anything - that is because I always get bowled over by this person deciding what we do. Rose I like some of your things to say!!!

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat · 05/06/2018 17:29

You are definitely not being unreasonable. She sounds really nasty and like she needs to one-up you all the time. Always has to be the centre of attention. I know the type. You need to ask yourself, are you getting anything out of this group - besides her mocking you in front of others, taking over everything and taking over and monopolising your babysitter? If not, just.....stop going. That is what I would do. By the sound of it, these people in this group are not your friends. Why torture yourself by going? Just stop meeting up with them, stop attending anything. Just ghost them.

imavinit · 05/06/2018 17:30

I had a so-called friend like this, you are right to be upset. The best thing I ever did was just walk away. No contact, no interest. nothing.

BerylStreep · 05/06/2018 17:35

I think the only way to deal with people like this is to put a lot of distance between you - even if that means not being involved in the group. Make one to one contact with the people you like, and never ever bitch about her to anyone.

lill72 · 05/06/2018 17:35

Tobys aunt yes you are right. Though I did have to stand up to her re the babysitting thing as she was actually impacting on a nice little arrangement Id had with my babysitter of 4 years. This felt very personal. I spoke to her once about it jokingly about booking her on the same night we had a joint thing on. Then it happened again so I stepped in and was quite blunt. She came back with an essay of apology and pleading that she had misunderstood but I did not buy it for a second. She heard me the first time. It has probably damaged our friendship for good but I dont care. I only care that she can do something to me to damage my relationships with the others but i think only one friend will buy into her crap.

But I agree she will not change. I need to keep away from her as much as possible. Seeing friends individually is the way forward . I am not going to give her any more power over me. Cant believe whta good mates we were although I always felt a diconnect in some way. I thought it was a language barrier but it is most definitely not

OP posts:
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