to not know how to handle this 'mean' friend?

[lill72]

Tell me what you think...

I am friends with a group - we were a mothers group put together a few years ago. It has taken me a long while to see this, but the seemingly sweet as pie mum is actually a mean girl underneath and Im finding i harder and harder to be around her. I wouldnt bother, only I like the other mums.

Increasingly I have realised things that she does...

Tries to create a little sub gang where she invites another mum back to her house after an event and tells you though youre not invited. Trying to make me feel excluded.

Taking over all events as if they are hers. I organised a group outing recently and she took it over like it was hers.

Always taking the helm organising everything and not letting anyone else have a thought - things like group trips or more recently a group present. All the ideas I put forward were poo pooed, she just told us what we were spending and what on for our friends birthday. Everyone else says great, I say why dont we have a vote and I somehow end up looking like the bad one as I have an opinion.

Same goes for group trips. She tells us where we are going, for how long and what is costs. I said on one trip the length of stay would not work and it was like it or lump it. No consideration.

I went on a trip with her friends who I did no know. She just raced to the biggest room, not including me and I was left to share a room with a couple of her friends which by the way were grogeous and I had an amazing trip. It was on this trip I realised how mean she was. It was out of the usual context of our group. She expected us all to wait while she shopped at certain shops, but then when I asked to go back to one place she said Ive already been there, dont want to go again. The country was one where it was not safe to travel alone . One of the other girls said she would come with me in the end which was very kind.

She makes fun of me in front of others and tries to make people thing she is very down to earth when she is trying very hard to be a person from the same country as her husband as it is seen more highly than her country. She thinks she is more cultured and worldly ,/

Ugh. Anyway I dont know if I'm describing it very well but frankly the behaviour is very school girl and ive had enough. It does not make e feel good.

Latest is her asking to use my regular babysitter on one occasion or so I thought, then booking her for more occasions at events we were both going to. When I brought this up with her, as she had got in before me to book the babysitter, she just said you snooze, you lose and then went on to tell me how great this babysitter is. Ah yes, I know!! I told her off on this occasion but she is just cunning about everything. The babysitter has been the straw that has broken the camels back so to speak as she really got into my business with this one and did not seem to care what she did to me, even after bringing it up on a couple of ocassions.

Problem is no one else sees it - they think she is sweet as pie.
Why am I the only one to see it? I think she knows what she is doing but then with the whole taking over and organising things has seemingly no idea of others feelings?

Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you handle them? I am just keeping my distance, but have to have a bit of interaction due to group things.

Help!!!!

scipio - yes this is my situation exactly.

Hollie and honey - I know!!!!! How do others not see it???

Tobys aunt - yes maybe I dont let things slide as after having no say after a while I break and dare to have an opinion then somehow look like the bad one!!!! Ugh. How do people like this have any friends.

Ah I’ve known somebody like this - I had to not see one of my very good friends much because of it.

It a shitter but you have to move on. Life is too short!

She's a bully with a fake smile. Let it, and her go. You can meet nicer people.

Missing - Yes! I agree. have some dear new friends from DD school. They are gold in comparison.

Being careful with the information you share and playing her at her own game is a great suggestion for someone you're stuck with, but you are socialising with these people. Is that really what you want to be doing for fun?!

Life is too short for this rubbish; hang out with women from DD's school and actually enjoy yourself..

Detach and move on - when she knows that you know her little games she’ll ramp it up

She sounds like a covert sort of bully - ie pushing people to do what she wants but framing it in such a way as it looks like you are in the worng if you disagree.

You ask how can others not see it ? I suspect that quite a few of the others can see it, but they are scared to say anything in case she turns nasty on them - she sound like a person people feel they have to keep on the right side of.

Anyway - I think as others have said, detach a bit, maybe ask one or two of the others in the group if they'd like to meet for a lunch or coffee, just in a two or a three. Or try to cultivate another group of friends witht he school Mums so you can pick and choose what you want to go to.

I think a lot of groups have a person like this - a bit domineering, a bit manipulative - it's quite common, and can be very nasty and intimidating.
You can only rise above, don't give her any information (like teling her who your babaysitter is !) so she can;t muscle in and affect your family life.

Beryl - wise words. Exactly what I will do.

Groups change over time anyway even if everyone is lovely. Pick out the friends you want to keep long term and nurture those friendships.

I think as others have said, detach a bit, maybe ask one or two of the others in the group if they'd like to meet for a lunch or coffee, just in a two or a three
This ^^. And don't be too sure that there aren't others who feel exactly the same as you in the group but aren't speaking up for fear of being the only one!

There's not much you can do about what has happened, but instead focus on your relationship to her in the future. How much contact are you happy with? What do you want to tell her and what not? Can you manage friendships with the others so that they work without her interference?

Foslady oh gosh if she ramped it up eek! Yes agreed.

Kurri Kurri - totally what she does. If I dare to have another idea I get shot down in flames. Or if I say I cannot do the group holiday for however many days she wants to as it is not possible with DH work, she doesnt care as it suits her. Then she has called me indecisive as I have not been able to say until the last minute whether we could make or not due to DH work. She always makes me out to be difficult as everyone else literally just agrees with everything. Though I did see a couple of comments on the last present buying she did where she told us all what we were buying. Someone replied so I guess you wont be wanting the scarf then (that they had suggested) It was jokey but did seem to suggest they felt like they had no input either!!! But no one says anything.

We were at a funfair recently and there was an electrical trip hazard we were being told to walk around. She kept going right through it with kids even though they kept saying not to. She said to me - I just dont listen to them. Very telling I though as it is how she treas her so called friends too.

The friendship with her is over from my side. I will avoid group events for now. Am trying to avoid as much contact as possible. Just have to try and distance myself without being too obvious. Was so happy to not be able to attend the last two group events. The last one I attended she made me feel bad the second I walked in saying how her two children had just had an overnight stay with two of the other families as a babysitting favour. It was very much to say I did not ask you and look I am hanging out with those guys and not you. She does this all the time.

These type of people are so utterly awful and draining. Genuine friends so much nicer

Rabbits Yes!
Nike - I had not even thought maybe they feel the same. She does treat them differently. She even tried to take credit for accommodation I FOUND last year and then took the best room!!!! Ugh.

Sonja - no contact for a bit. Ongoing only in a group and then probably only with the families not mums only nights out. It is tricky as i do want to see the others and get along with them bit this one person poisons it all really as I cant really ever feel good about myself when she is there and to be nice to her is to be fake. I also have early peri menopause which makes you quite angry and less tolerant than you used to be which is good as it makes it easy to block people like this but also means you can be more prone to an outburst of anger.

Ive had it out with her recently about the babysitting and a few other comments in the past. But I wont say more. She knows. No need to say anything no point just distance myself and keep contact with the others. Will be tricky as so much we do as a group but ill find a way.

Snowgo - totally too short for this crap!!!

I would not stoop t her low level. It is too awful to me to act this way

I knew someone very much like you're describing. Always had to be the boss, and belittling others. It's toxic. Only thing to do is distance your self. You'll feel better for it

Start detaching from this person.

Thanks Devon and Expat - the detaching has begun.

Lill72 steer clear of her... this type of person would drive me up the wall and now you’ve picked up on Princess MeMe’s negative traits you will notice every single thing she does.
I’m sure the other girls are fully aware of her flaws but are able to either dismiss it or switch off from it in fear of recriminations. I’m über sensitive and always pick up on peoples comments or behaviour both good and bad before anyone else, so I generally tend to avoid them as I struggle to keep my mouth closed.
I hate women like this, even though their behaviour is normally down to their own insecurities, this doesn’t excuse them in anyway but it may help you to feel a tad better about her. X

I recognise that personality type, the sweet as pie persona is pure manipulation and actually pretty domineering in a sly way. I’ve noticed they flatter others to create a loyal little band of followers, thd group don’t see or care that there is one being treated poorly as they are happy to be in queen bee’s circle. I’ve been the one that’s been snubbed, very subtlety so seems petty to challenge each snub but over time these add up. I’ve detached by degrees and have started to build up other friendships instead. Feels good to let go of all the analysing! Happier with more straightforward friendships for sure!

Or if I say I cannot do the group holiday for however many days she wants to as it is not possible with DH work, she doesnt care as it suits her.

Just to play devil's advocate, a bit...

If someone's organising a group holiday, even with the best will in the world, you're never going to be able to accommodate everyone's specific circumstances.

If one of my group of friends organises something and I can't make it, then I can't go - this happens often enough, it's just the way of the world. I wouldn't expect the date/s to be re-arranged to suit me.

I don't see this particular example as her being unreasonable - and before I get jumped on, I do realise it's just one example of many.

I do think, with a group dynamic, if one person deigns to organise something - whether it's an outing, or a present, then if they're doing the donkey work, they make the decisions. Frankly - I'm always happy to go along with others who want to step up, and I suspect many of the rest of the group are, too.

It does seem a shame to have to step back from a group that you otherwise like.

Before doing that, can you perhaps just actively step back from her when you're all together - don't let her get to you. You see what she's doing, so recognise it for what it is - pettiness and insecurity. Just laugh, roll your eyes semi-discreetly, and leave her to her fun and games.

She keeps on with it because she knows she'll get a reaction from you. Easier said than done, but don't give it to her. And don't let her just oust you. Way to let her completely 'win'. The only person who benefits from that is her.

If course if you do have others it's easier and nicer to hang around, then that's different - just leave her to it.

Openup yes so true. she is not like this to them so of course they dont see it.

Brighton - Princess MeMe I love it!! It totally fits too!!! Im uber sensitive too and pick up on little things although it has taken me a long time to clue onto the little jabs. Am going to steer clear as much as possible as I do not like complicated friendships. Simple, genuine ones are good for me. Thank you.

mrsroy - straightforward freindships are good for me. Ugh sweet as pie is just so sickly. A few years ago I wondered how someone could be so nice all the time. Turns out because it is an act....

TheDowanger - I totally hear and agree with you. The thing is with this person, I am never allowed any say in what we do, where we go, how long etc. Every idea I put forward gets slandered. So over time I have been put off by organsing or suggesting anything as this bully takes over everything. So in this instance, the one in charge is always the one in charge so it all gets a bit wearing never been able to have a say. This person also went ahead and organised trips not taking into consideration that one person could not really afford them. No sensitivity towards this. She just goes ahead with what suits her. Does not matter what I say she does not care.

That is what grates.

Ive got a lovely group I hang out with a lot more now from school so dont need any of the group really but all our children our friends and I do like the rest of them...

Girls dinner being organised for next week oh what to do whether to go....

There's a mum exactly like this in dd's sports team. I just have to keep telling myself she must be very unhappy in her life to behave like that. Happily her dd will change teams next year as she'll be at secondary school.