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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not know how to handle this 'mean' friend?

62 replies

lill72 · 05/06/2018 16:37

Tell me what you think...

I am friends with a group - we were a mothers group put together a few years ago. It has taken me a long while to see this, but the seemingly sweet as pie mum is actually a mean girl underneath and Im finding i harder and harder to be around her. I wouldnt bother, only I like the other mums.

Increasingly I have realised things that she does...

Tries to create a little sub gang where she invites another mum back to her house after an event and tells you though youre not invited. Trying to make me feel excluded.

Taking over all events as if they are hers. I organised a group outing recently and she took it over like it was hers.

Always taking the helm organising everything and not letting anyone else have a thought - things like group trips or more recently a group present. All the ideas I put forward were poo pooed, she just told us what we were spending and what on for our friends birthday. Everyone else says great, I say why dont we have a vote and I somehow end up looking like the bad one as I have an opinion.

Same goes for group trips. She tells us where we are going, for how long and what is costs. I said on one trip the length of stay would not work and it was like it or lump it. No consideration.

I went on a trip with her friends who I did no know. She just raced to the biggest room, not including me and I was left to share a room with a couple of her friends which by the way were grogeous and I had an amazing trip. It was on this trip I realised how mean she was. It was out of the usual context of our group. She expected us all to wait while she shopped at certain shops, but then when I asked to go back to one place she said Ive already been there, dont want to go again. The country was one where it was not safe to travel alone . One of the other girls said she would come with me in the end which was very kind.

She makes fun of me in front of others and tries to make people thing she is very down to earth when she is trying very hard to be a person from the same country as her husband as it is seen more highly than her country. She thinks she is more cultured and worldly ,/

Ugh. Anyway I dont know if I'm describing it very well but frankly the behaviour is very school girl and ive had enough. It does not make e feel good.

Latest is her asking to use my regular babysitter on one occasion or so I thought, then booking her for more occasions at events we were both going to. When I brought this up with her, as she had got in before me to book the babysitter, she just said you snooze, you lose and then went on to tell me how great this babysitter is. Ah yes, I know!! I told her off on this occasion but she is just cunning about everything. The babysitter has been the straw that has broken the camels back so to speak as she really got into my business with this one and did not seem to care what she did to me, even after bringing it up on a couple of ocassions.

Problem is no one else sees it - they think she is sweet as pie.
Why am I the only one to see it? I think she knows what she is doing but then with the whole taking over and organising things has seemingly no idea of others feelings?

Does anyone know anyone like this? How do you handle them? I am just keeping my distance, but have to have a bit of interaction due to group things.

Help!!!!

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 05/06/2018 23:10

I do totally get it - just wanted to make the point in case there was any way of seeing (some of) her actions in a more positive light. Sadly not!

I do think there is scope to continue to be friends with the wider group - or at least scope to try, before ditching the lot of them.

Maybe go on the dinner, and see if you can just give wannabe queen bee a wide berth. If you can't, then maybe it's just not salvageable.

Motoko · 06/06/2018 00:55

I remember your thread about the babysitter.

She'll find someone else to pick on and ostracise when you leave the group, so the others will notice eventually.

I wouldn't bother going to the meal, it won't be much fun with her there.

lill72 · 06/06/2018 09:49

TheDowager- I will say she does organise lots and is very proactive which is great but the problem is she always takes over and literally appointed herself holiday organiser. I am happy to organise things but she makes it looks like I am just the person having an opinion yet not organising anything. You know? I have just given up really. Other friends and groups I organise lots for. Not this one.

So yes sadly no positive side really.

In two minds about the dinner. There will only be 4 of us so bit hard to avoid her. Not sure I can bear it all. What would you do - take a little breather from all group things or persevere to see the ones you like?

OP posts:
lill72 · 06/06/2018 09:52

Also to add - the first inkling I had things were a bit amiss was when her mum died. It was then that she apologised out of the blue for not being there for me when my mum died a year earlier. She wasn't much of a support but I thought it so odd to say this to me.

May not be relevant to the conversation but I feel it all ties in somehow..

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 06/06/2018 10:34

I’d say no to dinner and say why (try to be gentle but honest?) in the group chat if there is one - as it sounds like you might not be the only one who finds her overbearing and rude, so maybe you speaking out might encourage others to?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 06/06/2018 11:04

She isn't a friend though is she! Fuck her off for God's sake! If the other friends are still up her arse and can't see what a cunt she is then fuck them off too as they aren't friends either, especially if they don't stick up for you! Who needs drama like this?

Oh and as for the baby sitter that is cheeky tbf. But if she's such a dick I wouldn't have gave her the babysitters number.

lill72 · 06/06/2018 11:13

Lola - totally agree! Guess I did not realise what a truly super dick she is until the babysitter saga. Still had faith she was a little genuine but when she said you snooze you lose when she booked my babysitter first on a night we both wanted, even though said in jest she meant it. She doesnt care.

She is no longer a friend to me that is for sure. Just like to keep contact with the others. But she poisons them - one I was really good mates with now they both gang up a bit. All her doing. One she is so nice and does so many favours for she wouldnt realise what a dick she is and the other one is not close to her so out of it a bit, would have no inkling. But I do not need this drama. So many nice local friends that have far more class and genuine character to her. she is just awful. Smiling bully.

OP posts:
lill72 · 06/06/2018 11:15

cloudy - i tried to bring up a problem to another mum she is close to and it did not g down well. this friend is not very emotional and probably thinks im been silly. Because she is so nice to her she would never see it She loves her. Best just to not go and have something better to go to!

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 06/06/2018 11:46

I too know exactly what you mean. My one of these was my best friend in my younger days. Butter wouldn't melt & she was always attention seeking, but in a, I'm so anxious I can't do that/walk there alone, so I need an escort etc. Alway, aww, poor sweet little M, we'll walk down that well lit Street a mile out of our way & back again to keep you safe, never mind usHmm

It took me a few years to see it & the birth of my daughter was the catalyst, that & an accidental text I received from her, meant for an old school friend of hers. She was discussing our newly married male friend & telling friend "oh he's mine, he will always be mine, stupid bitch just thinks he is hers because she married him Shock As was her form had ingratiated herself with friends new wife as new best friend. Non of our friendship group would have believed she even thought like that as it was always, sweet little M. Nor would they believe how she manipulated the break down of their marriage either & she was never even on male friends radar as a potential relationship & he was heartbroken to lose his wife & didn't understand why.

You can't win with people like this, so cut ties where you & don't buy into the bullshit where you can't, call them out on it. Years down the line several other friends have had their eyes open too. I still see her on occasions as we share a lot of mutual friends, but I'm probably perceived as a bitch to her as I take the pee when she pulls the nervous nelly card for attention , but tbh, I don't care as I know who she really is & strangely it has never affected my other friendships with the group

lill72 · 07/06/2018 17:22

Rockin - I totally hear you!! You poor thing that friend sounds awful!!! Just goes to show you how two faced people can be.

I too come off as the one that pulls her up on things - the texts I get back as so the lady for protest too much. Then a sorry veiled in not a sorry at all.

Ugh it is all so awful when all I am after is genuine, caring, real friendships. No fakers
I've said my peace as much as I can with her. She is incapable of change as I even gave her a chance with the babysitter telling her the first time round I was unhappy. But she did not listen and did not care.

So I will stay polite for the group but any relationship with her is done. Im.glad I've seen her for who she is as I most definitely do not need or want such awful people around me.

OP posts:
lill72 · 07/06/2018 17:22

The lady doth protest too much

OP posts:
Noodles4Me · 07/06/2018 18:01

Ugh. I have to work with a woman like this. She's vile but has her hive and she can do no wrong. It's hard to detach as it's work and the senior managers (my boss) love her. Grim.

You have my sympathies OP.

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