To not want to rearrange our wedding for DSD?

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We've had our wedding booked for August for a while and paid deposits etc. It's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off work and also because DSD is guaranteed to be off school (she's 6).

However, DSD's Mum has now said DSD can't come as she's booked a holiday to Butlins and will be away over the date of our wedding.

AIBU to 1) this is ridiculous (surely her Dad's wedding takes priority?)
And 2) to not want to rearrange our wedding?

oracle - that's exactly what I was going to say.

ReservoirDogs If that was the case then the mum needs to be more honest with the dad?

crunchymint just off topic for a minute but I find it really bizarre that some people on threads often say ‘we are only getting one side so how can we judge’ or ‘there’s obviously another side to this’

Well yEs obviously but on a forum and a thread we can only ever get one side that’s the nature of every single forum on the entire internet!

So the whole point of MN is commenting on what the OP says not whatever we imagine to be the case or whatever other ‘stories’ there might be.

OP can only answer questions and we can only commen t based on what she says so what’s the point in saying this isn’t the whole story?

If you go by that logic no one can comment legitimately on dozens of thread on MN right now!

Faffandahalf can’t tell you how many times I’ve rolled my eyes when posters are falling over themselves to create a backstory about the behaviour.

We have one side. Judge on what you know because otherwise it’s pointless.

No, I wouldn’t want to rearrange either. Your dp might though? I’d let him decide really, as his dd.

Could it be that dsd doesn’t want to come and the ex is playing baddie as pp said? I can imaging that happening. Equally can imagine the ex being malicious.

DianaPrincess - I am at least 1 of 4 posting in this vein so not sure why you single me out

Because I’m your stalker.

Not really yours was the last post before mine that’s all!

What can you do? She seems to have done this deliberately, and if you rearrange she could do it again. You'll just have to go ahead without her.

TBH, there's just not enough info to judge, even with the update.

Yes, she knew the date of the wedding.

But did she know daughter was invited?

Does daughter really want to go?

You said 'originally DP's time' ... does that mean it's not actually his 'week' any more for some reason? Did he give that week back to his ex so he could get married/honeymoon/etc , yet still expect daughter to be ferried to/from wedding on the day that was no longer his?

Did he make arrangements to collect his daughter and keep an eye on her sensibly during the day, or expect his ex to sort all that out? Because you'll both be busy, you know, getting married. Who was going to be watching the 6 year old (who isn't a drinking guest)?

Just not enough information...

I'll try and answer some of your questions

His ex knew DSD was invited prior to booking Butlins. She has frequently changed contact dates in the past with no consultation but we haven't had any changes in the last 6 months so thought it'd be safe to book on DP's time especially considering ex was aware in advance.

They've been separated 5 and a half years, divorced for 5 and although DP and I have known each other for just over 5 years (we met shortly after he submitted the divorce papers with his solicitor), have been together for 3 years.

The relationship with DSD and DP is normally fantastic as is my relationship with DSD and she frequently tells things that are bothering her either in the presence of both of us or more typically when we have one on one time with her. So I'd have hoped if it was genuinely DSD being concerned she'd speak to one of us about it. And if she did have any concerns voiced to her Mum, one would hope DP's ex would discreetly tell him about it.

Beware No he didn't give that week back to his ex, his ex just said categorically he's not seeing DSD that week. What are we supposed to do? Nobody can force her to hand DSD over on a certain day.

I need to rush to another meeting so apologies if I've missed any more questions, will check back later and try and reply a bit better.

Oh and no ex was not invited to her wedding - that would be weird considering the way she's treated me in the past, such as shouting and swearing at me in my own home because DP wanted to see DSD more - no idea why she involved me but there we are. They don't exactly have a fantastic relationship as she's never been able to let go but that's a whole other thread.

Specific Issues Order to court, sharpish.

If you have WRITTEN (text messages are ok) proof that the wedding was booked first and that it is on DPs contact time then yes it seems pure spite from the mum.

Couple of hundred quid to submit the paperwork yourself (honestly, its not a complex matter) and ask if it can be seen urgently.

Explain to dsd that mummy wants to take her on holiday so she will miss the wedding then buy her a special outfit and you and dh wear your wedding gear, book a session with a photographer and afternoon tea somewhere lovely then have a lovely ‘marrying’ dsd celebration just the three of you.

Reservoir I don't believe a 6 year old is mature enough to have a strong view about not going or being upset about the marriage. Children tend to just go with the flow at that age, unless someone has told them there's something wrong with it.

If it can be proved the wedding was booked and details communicated to the ex before she booked her holiday, just take it to court and get it sorted and then it will send the right message to the ex not to bring her feelings into it.

I'm not going to make negative assumptions about the mum here. I would love to hear her side of things.

As it is, I would look at holding another small blessing where DSD can attend and be a bridesmaid, that is at a time agreeable to all.

I don't believe a 6 year old is mature enough to have a strong view about not going or being upset about the marriage. Children tend to just go with the flow at that age, unless someone has told them there's something wrong with it.

I disagree - I would have been very upset if my dad had remarried when I was that age. I had friends who had step-parents and I was terrified at the thought of that happening to my family.

Yes you can get a specific issues order, op. Not very difficult if you have evidence that wedding was booked and on dad’s time before holiday booked.

Well if the ex knew the date and booked Butlins afterwards ... you need to make an application to court ... it costs £215 ... it will be the best £215 you will spend.

Agree with @Bobbydeniro69. Thank you, OP, for clarifying. I had been wondering about this while gardening (not over-invested, honestly). I had particularly been wondering about what kind of relationship you have with DSD, how long you have known her, etc. You were evidently not involved in the break-up of DSD's parents. That said, I still wonder how you and HTB would manage to look after her at your wedding? The focus will naturally be on you both, but a y6 yo isn't old enough to cope with that. I think Bobby's suggestion is very good. It makes DSD feel special, and doesn't exclude her, but saves her the whole wedding business.

Disagree with all of those who blithely say "go to court" btw. I wonder how many of those have had divorces. In any case, it isn't the principle at stake here, but the needs of a little girl who may well be confused by the whole thing. Even if her mother is being an arse, I'm not sure how court would help. What would help is the girl's father and SM putting her needs ahead of anything else. This might mean not fighting over whether she attends their wedding or not. It's only one day, FFS. They will, hopefully, have many years together with their DSD. If DSD's mother is a twat, she will be lucky to have a DF and DSM who put her first. And if there's more to it than the OP suggests, her needs will still be put first. If it did ever end up in court (Heaven forbid), DSD's needs are the only thing that would matter.

Thanks @OracleOfDelphinium what you've said makes a lot of sense. We are both so conscious of how DSD feels in every decision we make. Having her Mum and dad fight it out through court may not be the best for DSD, especially as I strongly suspect her Mum would make any contact whatsoever incredibly difficult whilst any court proceedings are going on and she would say well fine you can't see her at all and let the courts figure it all out which would not be in the best interests of DSD.

I have known DSD since she was 2, so 4 years - genuinely was just Dad's friend when I first met her but then things developed between DP and I and we became more than friends, so then I gradually built up a different relationship with DSD and things are generally brilliant between us.

Wrt looking after her, I suppose that's a valid point. During the ceremony my Aunt was going to sit next to her (if she didn't want to stand up with us) who she knows quite well now but it's quite possible she'd have found the shift in attention difficult. I'm not sure what the alternative would have been though. Although I guess it's all a bit of a moot point now.

Curry, you sound like a great SM. I had feared it might be a sort of reverse of the other thread I mentioned - but you have evidently spent time building a relationship with this little girl.

Mine are older now (adult and a bit younger), but I think they would have found it quite hard not to be at the centre of things when they were six. It may now be irrelevant as your DSD's mother evidently has plans for her - but if that's the case, I think it would be lovely if you could let it go (on the grounds that your HTB's ex is unreasonable) and do something special and wedding-y with DSD at the centre of it. If you could tell her that you're delighted and excited for her to be going to [effing] Butlins, and that you and her dad will do [whatever lovely wedding-type thing with her, where she gets to wear a pretty dress and feels special], you will not only be the bigger person/people, but you will also help DSD to get through what otherwise has the potential to be difficult and miserable for her (she may well be looking forward to the wedding, in so far as a 6 yo can, without really understanding what's going on, and may well feel torn in some vague way between the wedding and Butlin's. If you can help her through this, she would thank you later on, even if not consciously).

I think you might need to have the event on your planned date and then do a wedding-y type thing separately as OracleOfDelphinium suggests so she can dress up and be special.

AND DO NOT TELL THE HARPY as she will no doubt arrange something for that event as well because she is very problematic.