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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to rearrange our wedding for DSD?

99 replies

CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight · 05/06/2018 12:53

We've had our wedding booked for August for a while and paid deposits etc. It's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off work and also because DSD is guaranteed to be off school (she's 6).

However, DSD's Mum has now said DSD can't come as she's booked a holiday to Butlins and will be away over the date of our wedding.

AIBU to 1) this is ridiculous (surely her Dad's wedding takes priority?)
And 2) to not want to rearrange our wedding?

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 05/06/2018 13:24

The wording of ops post in step parenting makes me think that they didn't bother checking the date with the girls mum.

moodance · 05/06/2018 13:25

The first question to ask ... who booked what first. Until I know this it is hard to know who is actually being unreasonable.

Kolo · 05/06/2018 13:26

If I were getting married I’d want my kids there. They would be the most important guests. So I’d not want to get married if one of them couldn’t make the date. How’s does your DP feel?

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 13:29

Did ExW know the date of the wedding? If not it's not her fault she's booked a holiday for then and YWBU for not telling her.

If she did know, she's very spiteful and difficult.

I think it's up to your DH not you - he should be allowed to rearrange if it's important to him and the only way of having his DD there.

LivingMyBestLife · 05/06/2018 13:30

I'm on your other thread as well OP, so did the ex know the date in advance and what did you tell your DSD about the wedding - does she want to attend?

Boulshired · 05/06/2018 13:31

If this is the only time he can do because of work when is his contact time with his DD?

BitOutOfPractice · 05/06/2018 13:31

Did exW know the date?

Original poster
CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight · 05/06/2018 13:40

She knew the date of our wedding before she booked the holiday and it was originally on DP's time. Wedding is nowhere near Butlins so can't just borrow DSD for the day but her Mum won't allow this anyway.

OP posts:
LIZS · 05/06/2018 13:42

What is the relationship with dsd like?

user139328237 · 05/06/2018 13:43

Honestly sounds like its time for a return to court to get a specific judgement that DSD attends the wedding.

ReadytoTalk · 05/06/2018 13:44

There is no way on this earth that we would have got married without my stepchildren present. if they were not available for our chosen date then we would have changed the date of the wedding. What sort of message does that send to the little girl that she's not important.

LivingMyBestLife · 05/06/2018 13:44

Does your DSD want to go to the wedding?

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2018 13:45

Ah, in which case, no, don't rearrange.

Ginger1982 · 05/06/2018 13:45

So, hang on. Do you have a court order or is it informal re the wedding being on DP's time? If it is his regular weekend then she should be asking his permission to change the weekend to allow her to go on holiday and he can say no.

If there's nothing in writing, I would get some legal advice ASAP.

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2018 13:46

Ready Not the couple's problem if they played by the book and the ex is the one telling her child that their holiday is more important than her dad's wedding.

scottishdiem · 05/06/2018 13:46

"What sort of message does that send to the little girl that she's not important."

That acting like a harpy will get you want you want?

Also, as others have said, a change of date will result in a new problem/clash. This holiday was booked on that date on purpose.

Want2bSupermum · 05/06/2018 13:47

I would want to rule out your DSD being unhappy before jumping to the conclusion that the exW is being nasty and have her dad talk to her about his wedding to you without you being there. It's very important that she can talk to her dad about something like this. She might be feeling confused and lost so her mother booked the holiday to avoid the whole thing.

If the ex did this on purpose then I would support the father in having access as previously agreed.

Steeley113 · 05/06/2018 13:49

I’d rebook on DP time and not tell ex-wife after I’d checked dsd actually wanted to attend.

ReadytoTalk · 05/06/2018 13:50

I am of course assuming that the op is not willing to do anything proactive like go to court and get dates agreed so that the girl can attend the wedding. Even if that now means moving the date of the wedding. She hasn't suggested that she is planning to do anything about it just get married without the stepdaughter there. I'm just saying that I would move heaven and earth to have my step children at my wedding if it had come to that. If the ex is a vindictive harpy then op will have to learn to play the long game.

Want2bSupermum · 05/06/2018 13:50

Pressed post too early....

If your DSD is having a hard time with her father getting married to you I would reschedule and have the DSD speak to a qualified professional about this. These sorts of events can be very unsettling for children.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/06/2018 13:50

Yes theres missing information here.

And i suspect delibrately so.

This may well be a lesson in.how phasing and point of view alters everyone elses

I know im being unreasonable but if i phase it so it looks like its someone elses fault often meaning missing very key information. Means viterol is directef at some one else.

So who booked what first?
Did she tell you the date of the holiday when she booked it loke wise did you tell her the date of the wedding when you booked it.

Did she book the holiday first and not tell you until you were checking the wedding date.

Did you book tje wedding with the presumtion that soon to be SD would be avilable

You have yo communicate and tbh compromise

On given.infornatiom no your not UR for being annoyed and feelimg like shes done it on purpose but im missing infornation thaf prevents me from making a a fair judgement

OracleOfDelphinium · 05/06/2018 13:52

Wading in slightly, but there has been that other thread where the dad is marrying the OW, and wants his young DDs there despite the fact that he hasn't made any kind of arrangements to have them looked after properly. On that thread, everyone's jumping to defend the DDs' mother (rightly, I would say). Several posters have suggested that she take the DDs away to coincide with XP's wedding. Is it possible that the DSD's mum here is in a similar situation, and isn't being that unreasonable? Just a thought.

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2018 13:54

Naught You missed the OP's update of 10 minutes ago.

Ready Disagree. You don't play the long game if they are a vindictive harpy. If they "win" on this they know they can play merry hell every time they aren't happy and you'll be in for a very rough ride. You nip it in the bud from the start, legally if necessary.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2018 13:54

Honestly, you need to go back to court.

Or quietly change date of wedding to a time that you have DSD, get your DP to publicly fume a bit to ex-w, then have said wedding with DSD in attendance and promptly post a million photos on FB. Job done Grin

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/06/2018 13:58

Ok cross posted.

Fine then yes itbdoes seem delibrate.

Again with caution i like another PP, wonder if SD maybe feeling a little uneasy and mom has booked the holiday to give her an escape. In my oppinion then that unease should have been passed on to the dad and you so you could have conversations about what dad remarrying means rather than giving her an escape.

If it is what it looks like on the surface a delibrate act of spite then no your not unreasonable but if H2B wants SD to be there abd SD wants to be there then i would actally try and make some sort of compromise