To not want to rearrange our wedding for DSD?

[CurryAndWineMakesAPerfectNight]

We've had our wedding booked for August for a while and paid deposits etc. It's the only time we can guarantee DP will be off work and also because DSD is guaranteed to be off school (she's 6).

However, DSD's Mum has now said DSD can't come as she's booked a holiday to Butlins and will be away over the date of our wedding.

AIBU to 1) this is ridiculous (surely her Dad's wedding takes priority?)
And 2) to not want to rearrange our wedding?

Since this is your STBDH's child and his ex, what does HE suggest as a solution?

Does he want to move the wedding to accommodate his DD? If so, then I would advise you do this. Yes, it will be a huge pain and you will lose money, but you don't want to start your married life off by excluding his child from your wedding, even if it is a power-play from a vindictive ex-spouse. Make sure that he does the majority of the admin to move stuff around though - he can't just issue an edict and have you make it so.

Or is he just venting about it, and then expecting YOU to come up with some sort of solution? If so, what about this:

You, he and DSD do the actual legal bit of the wedding at a time when she can make it. Then go ahead with the party on the already-booked day. That way his DD will have been present, and feel involved and special.

she feels it is not in best interest of her child to attend
Unless there is a back story, surely the opinion of her Father is equally valid.

Yes i kmow shatner i was typing my reply have you heard of cross posting, ive cross pisted with you too. Do you know why i was typing my appogy for cross posting and writing a considered response given new infornation. Try not jumping down peoples fucking throats

If SD really wants to be there, and he is a good, involved Dad, I would be looking at a legal remedy. If Ex is just being petty and spiteful, there's no point in moving it. The child is 6, not 16. Her mother could just take her elsewhere again, say she is ill etc

If SD isn't that bothered, and he just wants her there to show how great his remarriage is/play happy families, and doesn't bother with her much, I would leave it. She may have told her mother she doesn't want to see her father marry someone else.

Only you know the answer to that.

If its on DPs time then you say to X that DSD can't go on holiday as its his time

But really, I think a few key bits of info missing are

Has anyone asked DSD what she wants?
Is there any formal arrangements for custody?
Did you invite X?
What is relationship normally like with X?
What about between you and DSD?

All told, I think if I was able to rule out DSD being unhappy, I'd find a way for her to be there (and ideally in the wedding). Either rebook on DP time, and not tell ex or go via courts.

naught I was pointing it out, not "jumping down your throat". Jumping down your throat would have been "Oh for fuck's sake, why do people type so bloody slowly they miss what an OP typed 10 minutes ago?!"

You possibly can't rearrange now due to short notice especially at the same places as it's two months away. Unless you want to probably pay out more new deposits for new places.

She probably wouldn't be aloud on any other day either so there would always be an excuse.

I never went to my dads wedding 25 years ago as he didn't have a backbone to tell the new wife he wanted his two younger kids there. I hate her for this.

Your stepdaughter will resent her mom for it too when she gets older. Yes you two are being spited but i feel for the little girl.

YANBU. Don't change it.

A wedding totally trumps Butlins. It's a crap excuse.

it's on DP time. He needs to get legal advice.

Could prohibitive steps or specific issues orders apply here? I dunno, just asking?

You were jumping down my throat shatner instead of thinking oh thats a crosd pist i'll give the person time to see the reply and re-reply with the new information. You just couldnt wait to go youve missed something how dare you miss something

Before unhelpfully pointing something out and jumping down peoples throats let them notice themselves

naught Except some people don't notice on fast moving threads, you see it all the time. Feel free to make the assumption I was jumping down your throat if it makes you feel better but unless you are inside my head, you haven't got a clue. And you were the one wading in with "fucking" in your reply.

Let's agree to differ and not derail the thread further.

I would be furious! I had something similar and was very upset that they decided booking a holiday was more important than attending our wedding. However, in fairnes, we had rescheduled it 3 times before.

Back to the questions in mind. YANBU to be annoyed. Yeah, there are valid comments that are in favour of the ex. But you are still allowed to express annoyance - you are a B2B after all!

And definitely don't rearrange. As has been said, if this is through spite of some sort, you won't be able to please the ex, no matter what you do.

Let your H2B deal with it. And good luck for the rest of your wedding planning!

Yes look at the ltone of what you wrote thats exactly what you meant shatner cimplete with time check. 10 minutes isnt a long time so i missed something the op had writen 10 minutes before sorry it took me that time to write what i wanted to say (given i'm typing this on my phone on my break trying to answer questions from collegues) wasnt fast enough for you. Im not bloody psychic that the op was going writinh her new infornation as i was replying maybe next time i should DM the op just to check she isnt going to update the thread so that i dont miss something 10bl minutes ago

No they dont shatner si give them fucking time to notice

Specific issues order - I can't imagine any judge sending a child to Butlins rather than its father's wedding.

As usual this is a thread with lots of information missing so it is impossible to judge. And yet still people jump in judging.

"She knew the date of our wedding before she booked the holiday and it was originally on DP's time."

That is completely inexcusable! Obviously don't rearrange your wedding; if she has intentionally made DSD unavailable for it once, clearly she can do it again!

Could the ex change the dates of the butlins holiday and you offer to cover the admin cost/any extra cost it might be?

Not ideal but at least no one can say you are not doing everything you can to include DSD and it will be the ex coming out of it being the awkward one.

I would go ahead with the date. What else can you do? If you've given the date before ex booked the holiday you are not in the wrong and cannot be reasonably expected to rearrange the whole thing.

i can't help wondering if you are OW? it doesn't change my opinion on the wedding been the priority but might explain mum's behaviour.

Have you been together long?

What is relationship like with SD?

You say it was originally DP weekend ? how come it isn't now?

I agree with pp..DP needs to find out how his DD is feeling about the wedding before knowing how to proceed.

OP do you know for sure that the dsd wants to attend?

I do hope your partner's ex changes her mind about this. Perhaps he could reason with her. I say this because if she does not, your partner can apply to the court to decide the issue and believe me, the court will go with him. As far as family courts tend to go, events like this are carved in rock and they will not look favourably upon this behaviour.

The court told my dd's ex that whilst it might be his weekend, they fully expected him to agree and would be unimpressed if there were any issues. I hope it doesn't come to this. What a shame for your dsd being put in a position where she will want to go on holiday but will desperately want to go to the wedding.

We have no idea of DSD wants to go to the wedding. She might not want to. Watching your dad get married to a new partner is tough for some kids.
We don't know if there are any other issues e.g. who will be looking after DD during the wedding? Are there issues with what is being asked that means DD would not be properly looked after?
Unless we know if there is any reason behind this or not, we are in no position to judge either way.

Please bear in mind the scenario pointed out by a previous poster.

The child was anxious about going/didn't want to go to dad's wedding so mum arranged holiday to give the child an excuse without hurting dad.

Are you sure a 6 year old is mature enough to deal with seeing daddy marry someone who is not mummy?

So she's done this deliberately to prevent her DD from being at your wedding - therefore moving your wedding will make bugger all difference, she'll just find another way to prevent her DD from being there. :(