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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I just say no?

79 replies

NomsQualityStreets · 05/06/2018 11:49

I've backed myself up into a corner and I'm kicking myself for it.

DM (and DF I think) seem to think my DP is controlling or that I've "taken sides" as they've had a huge fall out and are NC. (For the record I have far from taken sides and have tried to keep a relatively middle ground).
I see them weekdays once a week for about 5-6hrs with the DCs but we generally reserve weekends for family time I.e. Me DP and DCs as due to his work he only sees them for about an hour a day through the week. DMs work days are changing and she now has EOWeekend off and wants me to come EO Saturday as its easier for DF to arrange his work too.
It's not going to work I know it isn't, if I do it then there will be tension with DP as he doesn't want to sacrifice his time as a dad with DCs in favour of DGPs (whom he doesn't get along with) and if I don't do it there will be tensions and a possible fall out between me and DM.
I know I shouldn't have but I've just been making non committal noises everytime DM had brought it up so far. Now her hours are changing next week and I feel cornered.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't care what my DM says/thinks as they've been aware weekends are generally family time but their view is "well every now and then isn't too much to ask" .
But I'm incapable of not caring and I'm also terrible at any sort of confrontation.

I personally would not mind nipping over on a Saturday for a couple of hours as it means my DBro who work through the week will be there too so I get to see him. So including driving there and back it's potentially 3-3.5 hours. (I think they might want a bit more but I wouldn't stretch any further than that to leave some family time for me and DP )
But also I feel like I should keep a United front and just say an outright 'no' as that's DPs current approach.
I've tentatively brought it up with him but he's kind of said "well tough" and that they'll just have to see DGCs every other week if that's their new schedule.

AIBU to ask for advice the best way to approach this?
WWYD?

Ps. I'm aware I'm probably coming across as a wet blanket but this is kind of the tip of the iceberg and my family situation is already bad as it is so this will be aggravating it further.

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 05/06/2018 11:52

If he was you what would you want the scenario to be?
Imo I would stand by my dh and dm can grow up.
Your immediate family trumps sulky dps!!

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 05/06/2018 11:53

I'm going to assume your DP isn't controlling and that your parents are being unreasonable about him as you seem to think he is fine - but please do be aware of their concerns and ask yourself honestly if it might be true?

If not, I think his rights as parent trump theirs as GPs. If he only sees the kids at weekends then losing a chunk of that time every weekend is a lot. It seems to me that every other weekend is a good compromise and your parents should be happy to accept that.

Strawberrybelly · 05/06/2018 11:53

Maybe once a month would be better than every other weekend. What do you want to do? It's all about what everyone else wants to do but what about you?

MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2018 11:58

You don’t have to commit to any regular schedule, it’s not parental contact arrangements we are talking about. Just arrange visits on an ad hoc basis and avoid having a set timetable.

Do they ever visit you or meet you halfway? That could make for the odd weekend meetup and keep your travel time down.

BlueJava · 05/06/2018 11:59

Personally I'd want to give my DCs and DP and me time together as a family, especially as he's working a lot in the week. Seeing GPs is nice, but DP's interests have to come first. Many would be the first to complain if he didn't want to spend time with his DCs! Why go to your parents every month? Even EOweek seems a lot tbh.

robotcartrainhat · 05/06/2018 11:59

Id go for once a month rather than every other weekend. Every other weekend will seriously affect your time together as a family imo... I wouldnt be happy with that personally.
My husband works long days so does not get to see our child really when he is working... and I would not sacrifice one of his days off that regularly just to make a trip to see my parents. And they all get on!!

AnotherShirtRuined · 05/06/2018 12:03

Why do your parents think your DP is controlling? Is he?

Same as another poster I'm going to assume that he is not. In fact, your parents' demand to see their grandchildren when it suits them rather than when it suits your family suggests to me that they are the ones being a bit controlling.

Also every other weekend to me is not 'every now and then' but a very regular occurence, and I completely agree that your DP's desire to spend time with his family far outweighs your parents' wish to see their grandchildren. I know that in his shoes I would be very unhappy to lose such a large chunk of time with my kids every other weekend.

Cath2907 · 05/06/2018 12:04

I would avoid committing to every other weekend at DGPs. Saturday is family time and if your DH can't come along too then he is going to miss out. That and the kids (if mine is anything to go by) won't want to go to DGPs every other weekend. I think you need to be honest with your DM and say that you'd love to pop over now and then on a Saturday but that you normally have a very busy weekend schedule and coming every other Saturday is too much. Even if it is 5 hours out of the day - that is basically a whole useful day. You aren't going to get back from DGPs and then go out for a family day out after that are you?

VimFuego101 · 05/06/2018 12:05

I wouldn't want to 'lose' those weekends if I was your DH either, and the fixed schedule sounds very stifling. Your mother is the one who's changed her work schedule; she can't expect everyone else to shift their plans. Does she ever come to you or do you do all the driving?

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 12:06

I would decide what's reasonable and go from there. I can see that giving up EO Saturday to see grandparents is quite a lot, I could understand why DP would be unhappy with that. How about around once a month? Occasional visits to grandparents are a perfectly normal part of family life.

I think it also depends a bit on how they fell out. Are both sides just incredibly stubborn or was one side more to blame than the other?

Snowysky20009 · 05/06/2018 12:07

I wouldn't do every other weekends, and it's your parents who sound controlling. Family time with dad trumps grandparent time IMO.

jay55 · 05/06/2018 12:10

I don’t think it’s fair to reduce your husbands family time because it is convenient for your parents.

AndWhat · 05/06/2018 12:11

How old are the dc? I’m assuming pre school age if you’re able to do that trip on a school day.
Since my ds1 started school our weekends are pretty full up and gp visits have had to dwindle to every other weekend sometimes only once a month.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/06/2018 12:16

Once a month is plenty - I'd say more like once every six weeks! Would they be happy if you went to see them without the grandchildren (and your kids had time just with dad)? If they don't want to just see you on your own to chat and have lunch, then I'd question the whole relationship - do they just want to be seen as doting grandparents?

I've got grandchildren but occasionally I like to just see my kids without their kids. It's not all about the babies...

Original poster

NomsQualityStreets · 05/06/2018 12:16

Thanks for the replies so far.

Just to clarify a couple of points

I will still see them through the week EOW on the day my DM is off work. So 5-6 hours.
EOW she will also be working all week mon-fri and have weekends off which is why she wants me to come on a Saturday on those weeks.
So it would still be weekly visits.

I'd personally be happy with maybe once a month for a couple of hours on a Saturday and 2x a month usual weekdays. So 3x in total.

I saw my DGPs a lot growing up as where I come from it's a big part of the culture, there was lots of sleep overs etc and we spent most weekends as a family with DGPs so I think my parents want that but it's not something that would work for us.
My parents also are not the type of people who accept "that doesn't work for us" as an answer. They have to know why but I just wish I could say "that works" or "that doesn't work" without all the questions that follow.

I drive over there because 1. I find it less stressful having to sort the house out and 2. My house is tiny in comparison to theirs and more than 4 people in it just gets cramped and uncomfortable.

OP posts:

GeekyWombat · 05/06/2018 12:16

My DH works similar hours and for the most part our weekend time is immediate family time. I definitely wouldn't agree to every other weekend with parents, especially if there is an atmosphere between them and your DP.

19lottie82 · 05/06/2018 12:16

“I personally would not mind nipping over on a Saturday for a couple of hours as it means my DBro who work through the week will be there too so I get to see him. So including driving there and back it's potentially 3-3.5 hours.”

If you see them during the week, then the above is totally fine.

No need to commit to regular weekend visits, you still see your parents regularly.

My DH works a lot during the week too and if he committed to a 6 hour visit from his parents every Saturday, I’d go bat shit!

Bluelady · 05/06/2018 12:16

Going against the grain here. Your parents would like to see you for 25% of your weekend twice a month. Doesn't sound particularly unreasonable to me. You'll still have seven weekend days out of eight each month"family time" (loathesome phrase). How much will your children see their grandparents otherwise?

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 12:18

I'd personally be happy with maybe once a month for a couple of hours on a Saturday and 2x a month usual weekdays. So 3x in total.
That sounds perfectly reasonable. I think it's unreasonable of your parents to expect any more time than that.

19lottie82 · 05/06/2018 12:19

PS I think your DH is quite right - Your parents are expecting your DC to see less of their DF and vice versa just because your Mothers schedule has changed. It’s not fair for them to pull a guilt trip on you because you don’t agree.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/06/2018 12:20

Why aren't they extending the invitation to dh too? You could all visit twice a month with the dc or all go out for the afternoon?

I don't see why it's him or them?

MrsDilber · 05/06/2018 12:21

What a shame that they don't get on and are NC I would struggle with this and it would make me really unhappy.

Is your DP controlling?

If not then I think you should keep your weekends for your family, DP should spend it with DC and you should continue as you do now, take it on the chin with DM.

If he is, explain why if you can.

Seeline · 05/06/2018 12:22

I wouldn't commit to anything regular - it is much harder to get out of that if needed.
I also agree with PPs who have said as the DCs get older (start school) weekends become very full of parties, get-togethers, school events, homework etc. So if Dad is to see anything of them, even 3.5hrs out of your weekend is going to be a lot.
Stick to the weekday - your DM has changed her availability - doesn't mean you have to as well.

Goodasgoldilox · 05/06/2018 12:22

Every other weekend - or even one weekend a month isn't 'every now and then'.

I'd say -stick to the week day arrangement and do 'every now and then' on weekend days that fit in with your family arrangements. (So certainly not every month.)

PopGoesTheWeaz · 05/06/2018 12:24

I think one Saturday morning a month with your parents and brother is a lovely compromise. I'd love for my DP to take DC off my hands one morning a month but if he suggested it as a once a week thing I'd feel a bit put out and excluded.

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