Do I just say no?

[NomsQualityStreets]

I've backed myself up into a corner and I'm kicking myself for it.

DM (and DF I think) seem to think my DP is controlling or that I've "taken sides" as they've had a huge fall out and are NC. (For the record I have far from taken sides and have tried to keep a relatively middle ground).
I see them weekdays once a week for about 5-6hrs with the DCs but we generally reserve weekends for family time I.e. Me DP and DCs as due to his work he only sees them for about an hour a day through the week. DMs work days are changing and she now has EOWeekend off and wants me to come EO Saturday as its easier for DF to arrange his work too.
It's not going to work I know it isn't, if I do it then there will be tension with DP as he doesn't want to sacrifice his time as a dad with DCs in favour of DGPs (whom he doesn't get along with) and if I don't do it there will be tensions and a possible fall out between me and DM.
I know I shouldn't have but I've just been making non committal noises everytime DM had brought it up so far. Now her hours are changing next week and I feel cornered.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't care what my DM says/thinks as they've been aware weekends are generally family time but their view is "well every now and then isn't too much to ask" .
But I'm incapable of not caring and I'm also terrible at any sort of confrontation.

I personally would not mind nipping over on a Saturday for a couple of hours as it means my DBro who work through the week will be there too so I get to see him. So including driving there and back it's potentially 3-3.5 hours. (I think they might want a bit more but I wouldn't stretch any further than that to leave some family time for me and DP )
But also I feel like I should keep a United front and just say an outright 'no' as that's DPs current approach.
I've tentatively brought it up with him but he's kind of said "well tough" and that they'll just have to see DGCs every other week if that's their new schedule.

AIBU to ask for advice the best way to approach this?
WWYD?

Ps. I'm aware I'm probably coming across as a wet blanket but this is kind of the tip of the iceberg and my family situation is already bad as it is so this will be aggravating it further.

Stick to the EOW weekday arrangement. Have a bank of things you are doing in the near future ready to say why you can't come this Saturday, then the following time you've already got tickets for xyz and so on until she sees that it works every other week. X

Have you posted before op? Did your parents and your DH used to work together but your parent effectively put you into big financial difficulties and took no responsibility for that?

I’m with your DH on this to be honest.

How old are the kids? Parties etc will also make such a commitment difficult.

I'd personally be happy with maybe once a month for a couple of hours on a Saturday and 2x a month usual weekdays. So 3x in total.
That's your answer then. You'd be happy, presumably your DH would see it as a compromise, and your DM will have to cope with it given that it was her change that has altered your visiting pattern. It's not like you'll not still be doing 2 midweek visits a month.

I see you've mentioned that DP "doesn't get along" with your parents. That's the sticking point. Can it be resolved? It's putting you in a very difficult position.

I think one of the indicators of a controlling partner can be them "not getting along" with any of your family and "not liking" your friends thus making you feel guilty about seeing them. You end up being quite cut off from everyone to appease your partner.

Be honest with yourself if there's any truth in that.

Surely if your dp wants his dc to have a relationship with the grandparents then he'll compromise to you seeing them say once a month?

Your parents are being unreasonable. They’ll still see you during the week.

I would just keep saying that you’ve already got plans with DP for the next few weekends.

Forgive me if I’m wrong OP, but I think you’re the poster whose DH and parents had a huge falling out when your parents worked for him, and there is a massive backstory that would be too long to repeat on this thread.
Your suggestion of 1 Saturday a month (and I wouldn’t even set that in stone) plus a day in the week when your parents are off work and you want to see them is perfectly reasonable.

Yep, it's you isn't it?

Your parents and their financial irresponsibility nearly bankrupted you and your DP, right?

You've spent the time since then sitting on the fence because you've been brought up to entirely placate these arses, instead of siding with your DP and telling your parents a few home truths?

You really, really need to stop taking his support here for granted. You're really beginning not to deserve it.

Your DPs are lucky to see your children at all. And now they want HIM to give up time with the kids and make himself scarce so that THEIR new schedule takes priority? Because they 'won't take no for an answer'. Jesus wept!

If I were your DP this would be the last straw.

Think about what you are teaching your kids here, when they see you constantly twittering nervously around your entitled twats of parents, unable to actually take your place with your OWN family and tell them where to get off.

Are you the poster whos dp fell out with your parents because their behaviour caused you both massive financial difficulty from which you have yet to recover & they take no responsibility? And who are also emotionally abusive to you at times?

If so, I know it is hard to break away from difficult parents - and I am not saying you have to go no contact - but if I was your dp I would see your insistence on being neutral as a massive betrayal. You genuinely see his anger at them as an equal offence to them destabilising your families future? You always post making it sound like hes being unreasonable going nc, when actually he's been very understanding.

If he came on here, he'd be told he didnt have an in law problem he has a dp problem. I think if effectively exclude him from time with his dc on a weekend you risk his patience running out.

You are seeing so much of your parents. You are fully grown now and have your own family and your parents are being way too demanding and expectant.

Your life with your dp and dc needs to come first and I would not compromise any weekend time for even more visits!!

It seems to me it is your parents that are trying to take more and more of your time away. THEY sound very controlling and very selfish.

Stick with your weekly day visits and tell your mother weekends are for dp and family and you can not commit. Tell them your relationship with him comes first, and this is something they will need to get used to. You will visit every now and then, and at no fixed or definite periods just when you can.

Stop being pushed around, your parents should want the best for you, and your children and that means keeping your family unit solid.

Your parents are horribly unreasonable.

You need to stand up for your husband and YOUR family and tell them NO. Once EOW is fine, if they can't play nicely with your husband then they shouldn't get rewarded by having his time with his kids cut short so they can have more time.

This is all because their schedule changed, what happens when your kids want to do activities, clubs, seefriends etc? Do you have to givethosethings up so GPs are happy that they are getting their wants met and everybody else has to sacrifice their needs to do that?

Also, if someone doesn't have a relationship with me, they sure as hell don't get a relationship with my kids. I do think you and your parents ABU and your DH is very patient to put up with it.

I also suspected that this was the same poster that others have referred to - caused her DH massive financial problems!

If it is, YABU OP.

Assumign he isn't a controlling bastard he has a right to not have them in his house every week.

However you also have the right to take the kids for a couple hours to your parent house (if you actually want to).

Why not go early on a Saturday morning so dh gets a lie in and you've already started the day. EVeryone is happy that way.

I'm glad it's not just me that this was ringing bells with.

Op, you need to think about how far you are pushing your DH in this. You could lose him. Many would have left already.

Also it sounds like your parents are using your children to get one over your DH and control you.

I remember you.
DH would be upset if I effectively took the DC away one afternoon a week at the weekends as he barely gets to see them during the week. I would stick with every other week on a weekday then maybe one weekend afternoon a month.

Oh and to answer your AIBU - yep, you say no!

You should have said no to them about a million times already.

Perhaps if you had, they'd have a bit more respect for you as an adult, and your family, and none of this would have happened.

But they trained you well. You're 'terrible at confrontation.' You've 'not taken sides'.

Now they want more and more. They honestly do not see that there are any other people in their little bubble that require the slightest bit of consideration. And that is the way they will stay.

Time to take sides.

Um, how old are your children? Because as they get older surely they will have their own activities etc and so will not be spending hours every day on a Saturday with any relatives? My oldest is 4 and already has one weekday activity and sometimes his own things going on at weekends (eg birthday parties).
Other than that I have no useful advice as our extended family are all quite a way away so I have more of a problem with lack of people to babysit when I need them to than too many people wanting time with the children! I find it very hard to imagine seeing grandparents every week.

If he came on here, he'd be told he didnt have an in law problem he has a dp problem

Yes.

No-one has endless patience.

You are sailing very close to the wind here.

When does your DH see his parents?

Well that back story changes things massively.

It's hard to give a measured response without knowing what has gone on. Did your parents convince you to invest in something that went wrong? I don't understand how parents could willingly bankrupt a daughter's family.

Your parents sound utterly toxic, and if you are not very very very careful and start asserting yourself this is going to cost you your relationship.

They need to be told.

So grown some balls and tell them, no. No explanations, no long winded excuses. No I will not give up time with my dp or family time just like that. What they do with the information should be of little interest.

They need to manage their expectations, it won't be so easy when kids go to school. Do what suits you and your dp and kids.
Don't expect them to like it, just stick to your plan. Some people only see their grandkids twice a year.

Your immediate family comes first. No matter what happens, you should always take their needs into consideration first. That is your DP and your DC and you as a unit. Anything else is secondary, IMHO.
You need to decide but I would always put my own family unit first. Saw too much shit in my childhood coming from one parent preferring his family and letting them call the shots on our free time.

Every other weekend is far too often - especially because if your DP also has parents on the same schedule (which is only fair) that would mean no more weekends just for your family ever!!
One weekend day a month, max (or a full weekend every 6 weeks).

Surely OP's parents and brother are related to OP and the DCs?
If there is any suspicion by the parents that the DH is being controlling I would suggest caution. I tried to tell someone they were being controlled I was not believed and it all went very badly (not going into detail) Parents have more life experience than their children and can often see more than the younger people.
Be careful.
Either way the parents and the husband want to have their own way. The OP and her DCs are the trophy for either party

It's a good reminder that you only hear one side of the story on here! I wish more people would bear that in mind when they reply although it's impossible to know every backstory - but there are some that you recognise.