Do I just say no?

[NomsQualityStreets]

I've backed myself up into a corner and I'm kicking myself for it.

DM (and DF I think) seem to think my DP is controlling or that I've "taken sides" as they've had a huge fall out and are NC. (For the record I have far from taken sides and have tried to keep a relatively middle ground).
I see them weekdays once a week for about 5-6hrs with the DCs but we generally reserve weekends for family time I.e. Me DP and DCs as due to his work he only sees them for about an hour a day through the week. DMs work days are changing and she now has EOWeekend off and wants me to come EO Saturday as its easier for DF to arrange his work too.
It's not going to work I know it isn't, if I do it then there will be tension with DP as he doesn't want to sacrifice his time as a dad with DCs in favour of DGPs (whom he doesn't get along with) and if I don't do it there will be tensions and a possible fall out between me and DM.
I know I shouldn't have but I've just been making non committal noises everytime DM had brought it up so far. Now her hours are changing next week and I feel cornered.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't care what my DM says/thinks as they've been aware weekends are generally family time but their view is "well every now and then isn't too much to ask" .
But I'm incapable of not caring and I'm also terrible at any sort of confrontation.

I personally would not mind nipping over on a Saturday for a couple of hours as it means my DBro who work through the week will be there too so I get to see him. So including driving there and back it's potentially 3-3.5 hours. (I think they might want a bit more but I wouldn't stretch any further than that to leave some family time for me and DP )
But also I feel like I should keep a United front and just say an outright 'no' as that's DPs current approach.
I've tentatively brought it up with him but he's kind of said "well tough" and that they'll just have to see DGCs every other week if that's their new schedule.

AIBU to ask for advice the best way to approach this?
WWYD?

Ps. I'm aware I'm probably coming across as a wet blanket but this is kind of the tip of the iceberg and my family situation is already bad as it is so this will be aggravating it further.

I am lucky enough to live near my dd and see lots of gc - however I always keep out of the way at weekends unless particularly invited or themselves are hoping for a sunday lunch.
I would just tell dm and df that weekends are needed for your own family and you know they will understand.

You just say no. It isn't your or your DH's fault that your DM's schedule has changed. It's also not your responsibility to accommodate it.If you feel you have to give a reason, simply say you have plans every weekend. Your time is already allocated.

Is this the dp that is nc because of the business deal? Sorry if you’re not but if you are you’ve posted similar scenarios a multitude of times and are always given the same answer. Your parents are the controlling ones and you need to find a way of saying that doesn’t work for me and following through with it. They accuse your dp of being controlling when you aren’t towing the line for them. He’s not controlling you’re thinking for yourself you need to make this clear to your parents.
You need to side with your dp once and for all.

Look, stop starting threads every couple of months and get some counselling.

Your parents are going to destroy your relationship.

You do realise that this is at least partly deliberate? They like doing this. They get satisfaction from receiving the validation from you that yes you will put them first. It's not their family, they can't 'rule' it - so, through you, they find ways to make their presence felt, to displace the 'non-family' element - your DP - in favour of them, the patriarch/matriarch.

Toxic. And you cry and wring your hands but let them do it, every time.

I don't think your DH is the controlling one if your mother is insisting that you visit twice a week.

My parents also are not the type of people who accept "that doesn't work for us" as an answer. They have to know why but I just wish I could say "that works" or "that doesn't work" without all the questions that follow

I understand how hard it is to draw boundaries with your parents, especially ones which have brought you up to feel that upsetting/defying them is unthinkable or even actually impossible.

Someone once described parents as "having the cheat codes to their children's brains", ie: being able to manipulate and co-erce them in ways that no one else can. They had your entire childhood to install patterns of behaviour that make you feel that you need to secure their sign-off on your life.

I understand how it feels - everyone is saying "just tell them how it is going to be" but you feel very strongly that just "won't work." That feeling of helplessness - that you "can't" lay down boundaries - is because you still feel that you need to get them to agree or understand and co-operate with the new change of plans.

That is the the big stumbling block - you want them to agree and be happy. So you can't just say "that doesn't work for me" because they will ask why and you will feel like you have to answer those questions in a way which is satisfactory to your parents. You don't.

You don't have to manage their emotions. You don't have to find a way for "everyone to be happy", even if that were possible. Which it isn't.

Your parents' reaction to your saying "no" is not your responsibility. It is theirs. You alone cannot please everybody, so please yourself. Who comes first - your DP or your parents? Make a decision and stick to it. There will be fallout but that's just reality. At the moment, by trying to please everyone, you risk pleasing NO-ONE, including yourself.

How old are your DC? As they get older you'll find seeing your parents every week is too much anyway, as you have to factor in other activities, school etc. I agree with the poster who says visiting the mid-week days once a fortnight + occasional weekends is plenty.

Sounds like the drive is about 40 minutes (give or take). So that's not really "popping over" distance.

I also have a DH that doesn't get on with my parents - we ended up with an arrangement similar to the one I propose above (which turned into going over after school when they got to school age).

Brilliant post from SendInTheArdwolves.

You might consider saying"nothat doesntwork forus" andwhen they kick off, say "ok we're leaving now. If this is how you're going to behave I will have to re onsiderthese visits entirely" EVERY time they behave badly/greedily yougive them a consequence - end that visit/miss the next visit.

You don't reward bad behaviour by bending over backwards to give them more of what they want.

Can someone post a link to the backstory, please?

Great post from FizzyGreenWater I couldn't agree more.

Your parents will destroy your relationship and are very close to this goal already I suspect. Then you will be back firmly in their grip with a broken heart wondering where it went wrong.

Wake up Op, fgs before it is too late.

Why's everyone so certain this is the same poster?

Bit scary for her if it's not.

It doesn't matter what you change your name to or which board you post on or how you phrase it.

The facts are your parents shat on your husband from a great height and are laughing about it.

You always always receive exactly the same advice.

Do you want to remain married to your long suffering husband or do you want to shit upon him too? Because you have to choose.

If you find it (obviously) tricky, get counselling.

Hint: your parents are in the wrong. And I think you know that don't you?

Every other weekend is a fairly big commitment! Is not just every now and again.

I think agreeing to one weekend a month seems fair that's only one week they won't see the DGCs and only one weekend DPs 'dad time' is intrupted. You need to agree it with your DP though before you put it to your parents.

Some things that might be worth thinking about is how often do you see Inlaws? What would DP say if they wanted to interrupt family time? Do the kids enjoy going to grandparents? Or if they are getting older maybe a joint activity/day out once a month is an option?

Wagil fairly certain it’s the same poster but even if not the poster with this name has posted the same problem before in the last couple of months and been told the same thing. But the writing and the vague back story is the same very time.

I wondered too.
You might as well deal with the problem now as once dc are at school you won't be able to go in the week and they'll have parties and activities at the weekend so you won't be as available.

Wagil it's obvious. Even down to the references to 'culture' - I think the family are Greek? Polish? - huge part of the emotional manipulation and sneakiness is this playing the part of having the big open-hearted hospitality-focused 'culture' which OP simply has to accommodate or she's betraying her background ... when actually they are the most small-minded, grabby vampires you've ever seen.

It's her for sure. I'm not sure she'll be back.

They have to know why but I just wish I could say "that works" or "that doesn't work" without all the questions that follow

You can say that. Stuck record technique. If they’re rude enough to grill you, just repeat ‘sorry, that doesn’t work for us’.

You’re in danger of damaging your marriage if you continue to be such a wet blanket and don’t prioritise your own family over pushy parents, OP. I think you’d benefit from some work on assertiveness, either self help or with a therapist. Uncover why you seem unwilling to set appropriate boundaries and how to develop that skill. Your current method of trying to make non commital noises is just storing up problems for later on, and disrespecting your husband and family.

You’re an adult with a family of your own, time to act like it.

Cross out 'that doesn't work for us' and substitute 'I don't want to' or 'I'd rather not', ' we are having a family day'. If they persist 'I've told you my decision. If you carry on pressuring me I'm going home'. And do it. You don't live with them anymore. They can only bully you if you allow it. Big girl pants time.

If it's a choice between seeing their Dad or their GPs, I think the choice is pretty clear. It has to be their Dad. I'm surprised you even have to ask.

Go for breakfast and give DH a lie in?