To change DS's school - am I being a hypocrite?

[Bathroomwoes]

Hi all,

A year and a half ago we applied to our local schools for my first child. Whilst many friends were moving house and temporarily renting etc to get their children into the best schools in the area, I consider this sort of behaviour to be wrong and we did not move to be close to perceived better schools, although we were forced to move just prior to application date for other reasons. I have fairly strong views about education and fairness. DH shares these views in a general sense but would consider private school as a back up option if children not happy on school.

We didn't get our first preference school because we were too far and the catchment shrank considerable that year due to sibling preference kicking in (relatively new school). We were disappointed - I liked the ethos of 1st preference and felt it would better suit my child who is very sensitive and can be highly strung. However, we put it behind us and focussed on making the best of 2nd preference.

We then ended up having to move again just after schools started in September (don't ask!). This time it is a long term move. All within the same local area, however we are now extremely close to 1st preference and 10-15 walk (DS speed) from 2nd preference current school.

DS school got off to a chaotic start, felt very disorganised, poor communication with parents and so on. We couldn't go into the classrooms and we felt very disconnected. However we've heard this isn't unusual.

I was also never keen on the long school day compared to other primary schools.

More significantly, DS has not responded well to the behaviour management system and seems to go into negative spirals where he gets censured for not listening/following instructions and his behaviour jusy deteriorates. He actually seemed down/sad during particularly bad weeks and would say he's bad and seemed to view himself as being incapable of being good.

To be fair to the school they are dealing with this and things have been much better since they tried to reduce the negative behaviour management and focus on the positive. However, the other issues at the school continue and there is very high turnover of teachers and head teachers.

I now feel like giving up on the school and moving him to our original 1st preference which is also now our local school. They will have a place in the next academic year and we are close enough to be almost sure to get it.

DH thinks I'm being a hypocrite and am just the same as people moving to get into preferred school. I disagree (obvs!) since it hasn't been a calculated plan but there are a number of aspects of local school which I think would work for DS's temperament.

Do you think I am being a hypocrite and do you think you would move DS in my position?

Thanks!

If my child was unhappy I would move them. In fact I did with ds1 but that was because of bullying.

I would move him and put his education and happiness above my perceived principles.

It's not hypocritical, because your move was not to get him into a particular school.
If you are unhappy with where he is, and can move him, do it. It's about what's best for your son, not what other people think of you.

Ignore everything except it’s your closest school and your DS has not settled

The rest is immaterial

I would move him in a heartbeat. And anyway, 1st preference IS now your local school, so you're not a hypocrite!

I wouldn't say he's actively unhappy at this point in time, not since the school put in measures to manage his behaviour better (in the last few months). But they are temporary measures and he will be moving up to a new class soon with a new teacher. I also just think we will be happier at the other school, even if not super unhappy here.

It's a gamble though

If you want to move him, get his name down on the waiting list. There may well be a place in September but as you won’t know how many are already on the waiting list you won’t know if the place will be offered to you.

In the meantime, continue to work with the schoo and talk to them about the strategies you think work best for your DS. You may not get the place in September so you need to make sure you focus on making his current school as positive as possible for now.

Thanks for all your messages, it's really encouraging. I do feel we should move him, even if we can't guarantee the result.

DH seems to think there will be no difference since it's still a state school with 30 kids per class. He thinks there's only a point in moving DS if the set up is different in a significant way e.g. smaller class sizes/private school. Again, I disagree!

I can't see anything remotely hypothetical about sending your child to the nearest school to your home. I honestly can't follow your husband's logic.

If I thought it would benefit my kid I'd move them in a heartbeat.

i wouldn't worry about the perceived hypocrisy, i see none.

I would worry that you are not happy for your son to have to follow the rules, and think you might need to dial back how much influence you will have on school rules about presence in class room, behaviour management etc.

Hypocritical even!

The waiting list is operates on the basis of proximity to school, not time on the list. Therefore I assume we will go to the top of the list althougj of course can't know for sure. I am putting in the application tomorrow while we continue to consider what to do if we are offered a place.

If I had the option to move my child to a more local school - then I'd take it - if anything, it's a plus point that you can be more a part of you now 'local community, the fact it's better is a bonus!

If he isn't doing well at the current school and the first school will have a place, I would move him.

His wellbeing is more important than worrying whether you're a hypocrite or not. I say that as someone whose child is at a super selective single sex school - the whole concept of which I fundamentally disagree with! But it is what the best option is for my child's wellbeing and future, I'd be mad to deny him the opportunity.

I would move him in an instant. You haven't gamed the system, your child clearly isn't suited to his current school and a better option is available.

If you/ dh/ friend was in a job and they weren't happy and were offered another job would you turn it down because someone who didn't meet the criteria wanted it too? No? Then you are not being a hypocrite. You have tried the other school, you have moved for other reasons and your son is unhappy.

In my experience when schools try to change something as an adjustment for your child it is never quite as good as if they just are naturally more suitable for your child. As long as friends report that they are happy with the school and the environment will suit them more then I would take the leap.

Of course he needs to follow school rules, we don't disagree with that at all. The problem was that the behaviour management system was too harsh for him and was upsetting him and making his behaviour worse. He has been so good since they made some changes and is a much happier person. Surely at such a young age (Reception year), you need to be sensitive when managing behaviour.

The thing is you just can’t treat children as theoretical experiments - you have to live in the now. Do what is best for your child.

What is your dh trying to prove?

I’d move my kid even if it made me the biggest hypocrite on the planet.

Having said that have you clearly identified what the issues are with his current school and do you feel confident they won’t be replicated in the new one? One of my DCs struggled with the behaviour system our school has in Y1 but that was more to do with immaturity than the school system itself.

I don't think you're being hypocritical. But I would be wary of moving him if you think they've now got his measure and are dealing with him well. You don't want to go back to square one at a new school. Does he have friends?

I would move him In a heartbeat.

Move him. Who cares if you are a hypocrite (although actually I don't think you are, personally) - your DS's well being is more important.

I don't think you are a hypocrite, but I don't think a move in school will change things much - if his behaviour spirals when he is being reprimanded, then this is likely to happen at the new school too. I'd work on resillience with him and then consider moving schools in a few months - that way he's getting a fresh start with the tools he needs to cope with the situations he is currently finding difficult.