To change DS's school - am I being a hypocrite?

[Bathroomwoes]

Hi all,

A year and a half ago we applied to our local schools for my first child. Whilst many friends were moving house and temporarily renting etc to get their children into the best schools in the area, I consider this sort of behaviour to be wrong and we did not move to be close to perceived better schools, although we were forced to move just prior to application date for other reasons. I have fairly strong views about education and fairness. DH shares these views in a general sense but would consider private school as a back up option if children not happy on school.

We didn't get our first preference school because we were too far and the catchment shrank considerable that year due to sibling preference kicking in (relatively new school). We were disappointed - I liked the ethos of 1st preference and felt it would better suit my child who is very sensitive and can be highly strung. However, we put it behind us and focussed on making the best of 2nd preference.

We then ended up having to move again just after schools started in September (don't ask!). This time it is a long term move. All within the same local area, however we are now extremely close to 1st preference and 10-15 walk (DS speed) from 2nd preference current school.

DS school got off to a chaotic start, felt very disorganised, poor communication with parents and so on. We couldn't go into the classrooms and we felt very disconnected. However we've heard this isn't unusual.

I was also never keen on the long school day compared to other primary schools.

More significantly, DS has not responded well to the behaviour management system and seems to go into negative spirals where he gets censured for not listening/following instructions and his behaviour jusy deteriorates. He actually seemed down/sad during particularly bad weeks and would say he's bad and seemed to view himself as being incapable of being good.

To be fair to the school they are dealing with this and things have been much better since they tried to reduce the negative behaviour management and focus on the positive. However, the other issues at the school continue and there is very high turnover of teachers and head teachers.

I now feel like giving up on the school and moving him to our original 1st preference which is also now our local school. They will have a place in the next academic year and we are close enough to be almost sure to get it.

DH thinks I'm being a hypocrite and am just the same as people moving to get into preferred school. I disagree (obvs!) since it hasn't been a calculated plan but there are a number of aspects of local school which I think would work for DS's temperament.

Do you think I am being a hypocrite and do you think you would move DS in my position?

Thanks!

We have friends at the local school who's DS had similar issues and they said the school was fantastic. They have a more positive-orientated behaviour management system. Therefore my expectation is that he would do better there.

With current school, they are dealing well at the moment but the intention is to get him back on the mainstream system in time. I Also have no confidence on his new teacher being appropriately briefed, therefore I'm not sure the current school's background and experience will help in the long term.

DH not trying to prove anything - the hypocrite comment was a casual remark in the context of discussions - possibly because I am quite anti-private school as an alternative whereas he thinks we should keep it as an option if DS continues to have problems. We could afford it at a stretch but I feel we need to give the state system more of a chance than just trying one school. I would also generally feel uncomfortable going private for reasons described on my first post (fairness/justice in education etc).

I'd rather be a hypocrite with a happy child in a good school than have my principles but a miserable, unhappy child!

Move him. The School you are now closer to is a better fit for your son and more convenient for you. It’s a no-brainier. Children are individuals, not every School will suit all Children and it is important he feels happy and supported at School.

I'm not worried about other people thinking I'm a hypocrite - I don't want to be a hypocrite!! But it seems we are generally agreed that I'm not one so that's good!

Thewiredfish - my intention would be to move him in Sept, if we can get the timing right with the availability of places.

Move him now! My eldest hasn't been overly happy at his school but it's too late to do anything about it now and it hasn't been that bad. There are now changes happening that we don't agree with and we want to look at moving them. But it's a bit late really for 1, not for another but they are reluctant to move. I wouldn't hesitate after a year. And it's not remotely hypocritical. Ignore your DH.

A move seems sensible in this case but don't become one of those parents who School flits at the first sign of DC ' not engaging with the discipline system'. That way madness lies.

I'd stop fannying about and put your child in a private school to him the best education and the privileges that come with it now and in the future.

First things first. 1 Put the application in 2. If/when you’re offered a place ask to look around the school again with dh and talk to the staff 3. Ask if your dc could do a taster day before final decision (not all primary schools do but worth asking) and see how he fares. 4. Make informed decision on what you feel is best for your child. Finally you are not a hypocrite as you have not intentionally moved for the change of school - it’s a benefit of the inconvenience of moving!

I wonder, also, if your perception of private schools is a little outdated. The good ones, in my experience, are likely to demand more rather than less from children in terms of good behaviour and compliance. Saying that you’re keeping private school as a back up in case of ... continued problems - is a little concerning.

Just move him

Re private school, we just mean in the sense of possibly smaller class sizes and a more personalised experience. I don't think I've said anywhere that I don't expect my child to conform to school rules and discipline. But it's the manner in which this is enforced and the fact that it feels too harsh at the current school for this age group (there are other parents who also think this)

Unless you specifically moved to get into the first school's catchment area how can you be a hypocrite?

There is obviously unrest behind the scenes at the current school if there is a high staff turnover. I would be deeply concerned about this. Unhappy staff who don't feel valued, don't perform at their best and don't go the extra mile to bring out the best in the children.

Presumably the local children go to the local school so DS would have friends there and the school is closer. (Always a bonus when rushing round in the morning .)

Assuming DS is happy to move, I would move him.

I agree with a lot of the comments already made. I think you should move your DS and I don't think that makes you a hypocrite in any way. I disagree with your DH's comment about all state schools being the same - I think there are marked differences between them, and if you've visited the other school you can get a feel for the difference in ethos.

However, I do think that you need to commit fully to the new school and consider this to be a final move. It sounds like this move may well benefit your DS, but moving him every few years will not. You may laugh but I do know a couple of people who have moved their DC around from school to school. It doesn't seem to occur to them that, if several schools haven't worked out, it may be a problem with them rather than the school!

Your child has been unhappy and is still not quite as settled as he could be.
There is a high turnover of teachers AND HT (!!).
I would change schools. It will never be well managed just due to that.

The fact that you had to move several times and you are now close to the ‘good’ school is not here nor there. You are where you are and I assume you didn’t move to be close to that school anyway.
Put the happiness of your child first. These first few years can have really lasting effects on a child (as I’ve experienced with dc2).

You’re not a hypocrite, as I assume you didn’t set out to get a house closer to the school of your choice?! (If you did, you are, but so what? ...and given what you’ve said, I don’t think you did the consciously anyway).

Apply for a place and if you get it, take it. You lack confidence in the school he’s at now and you have confidence in the other one. That will make a huge difference to his time there. Whether you are justified in that is actually less important (but if it helps, it sounds like it’s oretty justified too).

I would carefully check the new school much more carefully. Put your application in, but then walk around see how the children interact, ask if parents are involved/connected etc. You need a much closer look at the new school before moving him.

Secondly I would also be very keen to neutrally look at my own child, is his behaviour likely to continue in the next school? If their new system is working in his current school then I would be worried about disrupting something that is finally working for him. It is easy to blame the school and perceive their short comings but they may better and more able to manage him than the new one.

It is not a simple case that he isn't happy, but I accept that his behaviour may be because he isn't happy at his current school rather than another root cause. I would want to be confident that he would flourish in the new one, and it wouldn't end up being a set back.

Name down on the waiting list asap, then you have the option. If you think he'd be happier with a fresh start, nothing to lose and think of the easy mornings!

Yes, I think you are being a hypocrite. Someone's child will have to go to that school and that's not fair. However, I don't think private education is "fair" but would choose it if I ever had the money. At the end of the day, you do what's best for your children, not for your principles.

The size of the class isn't necessarily the most significant consideration. We've experienced a world of difference between one state school and another, of very similar sizes. The Ofsted outstanding school hadn't a clue what to do with DS.

You are totally being a hypocrite to judge people for playing by the rules to get their child into the school they want, then feeling that your situation is somehow special and different. But yes you should move your child, he's paid enough of a price for your quasi-values.

Yes to moving him to a local school with friends nearby and a less stressful journey. Also to focus on your child objectively maybe get an assessment just to understand any challenges he may have? eg: poor working memory = can't recall what you've just told me to do!
Good luck, go with your gut and when it comes to principles around your child's education cognitive dissonance is your friend :-)

OP, if it is any consolation, our children all started at their current primary and many years later we moved house, still within walking distance. We kept them at the same school. I have been asked by some parents why we have not moved our children to our "school which is nearer" as those parents thought the children might find the walk a bit long (only 15 minutes while before it was less than 5).

Many people would move them to the local school while others would stay at their current school due to frienships. There is absolutely nothing unethical in what you want to do. Why would you prioritise your children suffering over some principles, which do not apply here anyway

Put your name on the waiting list and SEE if you are offered a place. Remember its not a given, if another child moves closer than you, or a child moves into catchment that are Looked after, or a child may have it identified on their EHCP it means they will all come before your child on the waiting list.

There may be a child, who fits in better with your ds’s current school. Would you call their parents hypocrites for looking at changing schools or trying to make their child happy?

I think you were pretty sanctimonious about the other parents and now you're embarrassed because you're behaving like them. Learning moment for you: don't be so judgmental.