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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do if...

92 replies

user7469322 · 05/06/2018 10:11

...your husband had another woman’s hair on him?

Bit of a brief story to go with this.

Husband was out all weekend at a convention.
Took female friend, brother and uncle.
Husband and friend spent a lot of time together.
He had to drive her home (30mins both ways) half way during the convention and back again (eye problem)
He arrived home late Sunday p.m with a long hair stuck to his sweater
Was a bit cagey when I pointed it out and removed it
Was all over me the rest of Sunday like a rash

AIBU to ask what you’d think/say if this was you and your husband/partner?

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 05/06/2018 11:26

He could have hugged someone, sat on a chair that had hair on it, borrowed someone's brush ...

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:26

@VogueVVague

She’s normally here when I get in from work, late evening. They sit and whisper to each other over the hobby, she rarely makes eye contact. God knows I’ve tried to be friendly. I get the general feeling I don’t need to be there from her. He takes her home and is gone ages when she only lives 10mins in the car.

OP posts:
Shambu · 05/06/2018 11:27

in short I’m suspicious, have been a long time about him and her

So have confronted him, or do you want to get your ducks in a row before you do?

CristalTipps · 05/06/2018 11:27

I have long hair, but it tends to stick to whatever I've been in contact with - chair, pillow, my clothing. I've never known one of my hairs to detach itself and float through the air a few feet to land on a friends' clothing. Ignore the usual gaslighting (it's sad that it always happens on these threads), it's not usual... If they'd been using the same seat maybe, but if it was on the front of his top of course they'd been hugging or something else that requires close contact.

If he has a crush on her - which no-one here is qualified to dispute as they've never met him - and she keeps reaching out to him, of course it raises concerns.

One thing you definitely need to do is stop leaving the room when she comes over. It's your house! And think long term about what you want and maybe start to prepare practically.

DarkDarkNight · 05/06/2018 11:28

The hair doesn’t prove anything, mine get everywhere. It doesn’t mean they cuddled, but equally doesn’t mean they didn’t do that or more.

Trust your instincts if he has done something to make you suspicious in the past. You said he was cagey, you know him best.

I wouldn’t go upstairs in my own house because she made me uncomfortable either, especially if you have reason to suspect her having read messages between them.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:31

@Shambu

Yes I want to get things in order before I make decisions.

@CristalTipps

I have been making more of a conscious effort to stick around when she’s here but sometimes she’s here till 2am and that’s too late for me especially if I need to be up at 7.15 fir the school run.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/06/2018 11:33

I think people are focusing on a hair when really it's obvious you don't trust him for a variety of reasons, he was shifty when asked about his weekend and it's not about a hair on his jumper.

I wouldn't be happy with a dh who devoted so much of his spare time to a hobby with one woman. When he's not doing his "hobby" he's preoccupied messaging her.
It's an odd dynamic isn't it? To go away with one woman friend and his uncle and brother. What the fuck was the eye problem which involved him driving her home half way through the event? Hmm

OP his behaviour is making you feel like shit. Of course you feel insecure if he's prioritising her over you and his children.

You don't need evidence. If you're unhappy then you don't have to remain in a relationship with him. I know that's a daunting thing to consider but it is possible.

Cliveybaby · 05/06/2018 11:34

The hair on it's own means nothing, but hte other stuff makes it sound very suspicious.
fwiw, I've noticed my hair on my office-mate, who sits about 5 feet away from me... I hope his girlfriend doesn't think there's anything going on!

HildaZelda · 05/06/2018 11:35

I don't think the hair is really the problem here. You obviously don't trust him. Maybe the hair is the catalyst?

mindutopia · 05/06/2018 11:37

The nature of how enmeshed they are and the content of the messages might be suspicious and you have to trust your gut. The hair though means nothing. Friends (and family) hug. My SIL was here this weekend and her hair is all over both of us. Similarly, my dh comes back from his mum’s all the time with hair on him (she has very distinctive hair). Obviously not having an affair with either one of them!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/06/2018 11:40

I can't get over this woman being at your home several evenings a week.

She's there when you get home from work and sits whispering on the
sofa to your husband whilst ignoring you, not even making eye contact?
Then he's hours driving her the 10 minutes home? At 2am? Shock

Fuck that. What a prick.

senioritabonita · 05/06/2018 11:40

The hair is utterly irrelevant but why the hell are you putting up with the other stuff - it sounds really unpleasant. There is no way I'd ever put up with DH sitting downstairs entertaining someone who was rude and didn't make eye contact.

TheHumanMothboy · 05/06/2018 11:40

What do you want? Do you want to continue your relationship? I think he has to stop the hobby with this woman.
If it is gaming, I would say that campaigns can be very intense. It can also be extremely invigorating when you meet someone across the board that really 'gets' the game the way you do. And really flattering too, and lead to intense relationships (not necessarily sexual ones).
In the past, I know several party members that had severe crushes on me.
But I only play games now with DH/family.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:41

@HildaZelda

It’s just another thing to add to a reasonably long, growing list.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 05/06/2018 11:41

Forget about the hair. If you have other reasons then you have other reasons and it’s your decision whether you act on them or not.

But you can’t get snippy with people here who don’t know the back story because the hair in itself means nothing

AnnieAnoniMouser · 05/06/2018 11:43

There is no point in asking about one small thing, like a hair, in isolation. There really isn’t.

You’ve had other threads. You have a significant back story. It’s all relevant.

Of course you can post as little as you want, but it’s not going to help you when it’s not fully in context.

If he’s not at least having an emotional affair with her I’ll eat my trainers. I’ll eat my socks if they’re not having a physical affair.

You need to get everything sorted out then kick his pathetic arse out.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:44

@ILostItInTheEarlyNineties

They sit at my dining table.

@TheHumanMothboy

It is gaming. I dint know what I want, I need to get things straight before I make decisions. I have nothing to fall back on at the moment, nowhere to go or money.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 11:45

It's a little odd to focus on the hair.

I'd find it strange a grown man In his thirties, married with kids, has her round so often. Where are the kids when this is happening?

Is it gaming? That could potentially explain it. My husband and daughter game, I don't, and they can get really absorbed, obsessed and loose track of time. Gamers tend to get really into it. I can see how it would make you feel excluded. And that may be what this is, you feel excluded.

Eliza9917 · 05/06/2018 11:46

Are you the poster whose husband wanted to go away for 4 weekends on the trot? Springing a convention on you at the last minute? Leaving you with the kids?

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:47

@Eliza9917

No that’s not me.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 05/06/2018 11:48

Has your H form for dipping his wick elsewhere? If not, do you have form for getting your undies in a bundle every time he spends time with anyone else who has a vagina?

The fact that she is so often at your house makes it seem less likely that it's an affair - they are hardly going to go at it on the sofa while you are there. Perhaps the hobby is something all-consuming. Do you have any hobbies?

Missingstreetlife · 05/06/2018 11:50

Have you actually spoken to him? Tell him you are on to him and you don't like it.
No one would be staying in my house till 2am, no way.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:51

@ReanimatedSGB

I commented above about why I’m not there the whole evening and also mentioned how he’s out a while when he drops her home.

OP posts:
Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:52

@Missingstreetlife

I have and he drops her for a bit then she’s back again.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 05/06/2018 11:52

Sorry it's starting to sound like he's a selfish twat with no respect for you. Apart from anything else, he's making Gaming and his "friend" the priority and ignoring the fact that he has a family and a clearly very unhappy wife.

How immature and selfish.

Based on his lack of respect for you I wouldn't be surprised if they are either having an affair or he's hoping she'll shag him. Sad

The fact that they're sitting at the dining table doesn't change my opinion.