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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask what you would do if...

92 replies

user7469322 · 05/06/2018 10:11

...your husband had another woman’s hair on him?

Bit of a brief story to go with this.

Husband was out all weekend at a convention.
Took female friend, brother and uncle.
Husband and friend spent a lot of time together.
He had to drive her home (30mins both ways) half way during the convention and back again (eye problem)
He arrived home late Sunday p.m with a long hair stuck to his sweater
Was a bit cagey when I pointed it out and removed it
Was all over me the rest of Sunday like a rash

AIBU to ask what you’d think/say if this was you and your husband/partner?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 10:55

Also I would add I hug all my close friends good bye, Male and female, after spending a weekend together, I see it as normal..

Beansonapost · 05/06/2018 10:57

Friends do hug...

Why are you so insecure about your relationship?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 05/06/2018 10:57

My teen daughters both have long hair and it get absolutely everywhere.

Yes they could have hugged, but more likely it has blown onto him or it was a chair he sat on or she's brushed her hair and everyone is covered.

This is your man, don't hide upstairs. Get down and let her know who he is married to.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 10:58

@Bluntness100

The messages to her were things like ‘look after yourself, can’t wait to see you again, very much enjoyed our evening, will miss you because we like you (we being him & his brother when he’s here to share the hobby). Lots of xx’s.

I’m not jealous, far from it.

I go upstairs because she makes me feel unwelcome and awkward.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 05/06/2018 10:59

I have long Curly hair, it gets everywhere. The cat walked in to the room the other day with one of my hairs draped over both ears. If they've spent the day together or would be unlikely for him not to pick up a hair or two. If you have other concerns that's a different matter but you're not being very clear about what those concerns are. Would you just prefer DH not to have female friends?

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:00

@Beansonapost

I know friends hug.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 05/06/2018 11:00

Those messages are normal to a close friend tbh and you can't blame someone else for how you feel eg I go upstairs because SHE makes me feel awkward

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:01

@FASH84

I’m not suggesting I don’t want him to have female friends. I believe he’s having an emotional affair.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 11:02

Well he seems a bit effusive, but I can't see more than that. However I don't get how she makes you feel awkward and unwelcome in your own home? Can you explain?

Also. You are incredibly jealous. I think that much is very obvious. Clearly a first step is to admit it anc own it.

courtneyseb · 05/06/2018 11:03

Hair on jumper says to me they’ve hugged/cuddled whatever

It really doesn't mean that at all.

MrsBlaidd · 05/06/2018 11:03

Hair on jumper says to me they’ve hugged/cuddled whatever

Not at all, the bloke who works next to me always has my hair trapped somewhere on his person before he leaves the office. His wife jokes that I'm trying to give him a wig hair by hair. I most definitely do not hug/cuddle or whatever with him.

Hair on his clothing is not a sign of an affair. If you overreact about this he'll be able to minimise anything that goes on. If he's guilty of something that will just erode your self belief/self worth. If he's not guilty of something you'll just drive a wedge between you over something innocent.

If you have other concerns then concentrate on those and address them but please forget about a random hair on him.

FASH84 · 05/06/2018 11:07

Nothing you've posted here would suggest that, but only you know the details. Also the hobby seems to mainly take place in your house which is rubbish planning if there is an affair. I'm assuming either computer gaming, table top, D&D, world of Warcraft etc. Last time I went out with my close male friend I fell asleep on the train, he fb'd a very unattractive picture of me mouth open asleep on his shoulder, neither his wife or my husband are in any way concerned. I asked because some women and men just don't like partners having friends of the opposite sex, they just don't believe it will always be platonic both sides. The messages seem to be fine and about him and his brother. If he were sending them to a male friend would it bother you? Is this not more of a little sister relationship? What exactly does she do that leads you to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Plumsofwrath · 05/06/2018 11:08

What do you want from this thread? You think your husband is having an emotional affair. You found a hair on his sweater. What do you want random people on the internet to tell you to do? Why do you care what anyone else would do?

If you want to have a conversation about this, keeping half the story to yourself, being vague, being defensive and chippy, none of this is going to get you anywhere.

What are you feeling? What do you want?

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:09

@Bluntness100

I’m not ‘incredibly jealous’ at all. Far from it. I’ve been married a long time to him, we have several children.

I’ve posted this in the wrong place as it won’t be deleted, hence why I’m being vague. I have posted before in 30days, giving more info and the general consensus was that he is gaslighting and having an emotional affair.

I’m trying to prepare myself for the day he turns around and declares his undying love for her.

OP posts:
redastherose · 05/06/2018 11:15

I remember your last post OP. I do think you have a good reason to be worried. Why bother waiting for him to call the shots. Sort your stuff out, go see a SHL see what you would be entitled to, check benefits etc, copy all important documents in particular bank statements (photograph on phone and email to yourself on account you make up especially for that which he doesn't have any access to). Get passports for yourself and kids, your driving licence etc. Kick him to the curb before you torment yourself anymore with his shit. If he doesn't care how upset his behaviour with her is making you then you have your answer as to who his priorities lie with. Why make his life easier for him by being cook and housekeeper for him. Better to get out and get your own life and see how much of his hobby he gets to do when he has the kids 50% of the time!

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 11:17

I really wouldn't give it a second though but I trust DH implicitly.

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:18

@redastherose

Pls don’t out me. It’s a really stressful time at the moment. But thankyou for your comment.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/06/2018 11:18

Op, as we don't have further detail we can only go on what you've posted here.

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 11:18

Obviously it would be different if he'd given me cause to be concerned before hand - is that the case?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2018 11:19

I go upstairs because she makes me feel unwelcome and awkward
In YOUR own home?
Really?
Please don't allow this.
I'd be all over it if she was in my house.
Watching their every move.
Making HER feel uncomfortable.

VogueVVague · 05/06/2018 11:21

Well now you've given more detail: i wouldnt like this. How does she make ypu uncomfortable?

Original poster
user7469322 · 05/06/2018 11:22

@BottleOfJameson

Yes for a while.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 05/06/2018 11:22

Based on what you've told us, I wouldn't give a hair on DH a second thought. I probably wouldn't have noticed it in the first place if I'm honest. It sounds like you're looking for suspicious behaviour. Has he had an affair in the past?

WeirdyMcBeardy · 05/06/2018 11:23

The hair is nothing. My hair gets everywhere and I rarely hug people.

The messages however are completely different. Of course friends don't talk like that fgs.

Snowysky20009 · 05/06/2018 11:25

If having an hair on a sweater is signs of an affair, every male friend who I come into contact with must go home to a wife, girlfriend or boyfriend who thinks he's having an affair with me!

I have a distinct colour hair, that's very, very, very thick and curly. I shed enough hair daily to make a wig! Everyone who is around me gets my hair on them. I can't help it!

Also I have male friends who I say on a text I miss you and put lots of kisses. They are married. Their wives and girlfriends do the same back to me or if they message my partner.

I've always had close male friends, I probably have more male than female. It doesn't for one second mean I want to jump into bed with them. Likewise I don't ever think if a female messages my dp that something is going on.

I think it boils down to
A) you are insecure
B) there is problems already in your relationship
C) there is a bigger backstory in which case no one can really answer you
D) you know he's cheating and want people to verify that for you