AIBU to ask you to tell me your uni experiences

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DD is 19, did very well with A Levels and after a gap year to save money she’s heading off to uni in September.

However, she loves her job, the people, a promotion is in the balance soon and she’s completely smitten with her boyfriend. Three months before going, she’s worried that she’s going to be lonely, unhappy and bored at her uni.

She’s visited her uni, has friends there and previously was overjoyed. It’s only two hours away, she’ll have long holidays and she’ll still be able to see her boyfriend and local friends during these holidays. Her boyfriend may even move up with her next summer.

She’s now so worried she won’t enjoy it, so I offered to post here to ask people for their uni experiences. I’m hoping it’ll help show her it will be an amazing, fun and independent experience. If the replies are what I expect anyway.

Só those of you who went to uni: did you enjoy it? Did you like the independence? Did you get on well? Would you recommend halls compared to living at home?

Thank you

God this is terrible, DD recently turned 20, not 19, not sure if that’s relevant but I feel bad now

Oh I loved uni! God knows how I drank so much though 😂

Two hours is nothing, she could come back for weekends pretty often if she wanted. I stayed in halls and personally I think it's better than staying at home, the people on my course who lived at home never seemed quite as integrated as those who were in halls (although actually that's probably more to do with where geographically they lived - taxis were expensive to get there so they'd generally get the last train home so miss out on a lot of nights out). The best friends I made were in halls as well, I think you just develop a different kind of relationship with them than you do with friends on your course.

Spam- thank you so much. I think she’s having a mini freak out. Last month she hated work and was tired and bored.

Some people love university and have an amazing time studying while making friends for life. Some people hate it and feel very lonely after being sold this fantastic experience by everyone around them and then find their reality isn't like that. I'm of the opinion that university is pushed too much ar still quite a young age and there's nothing wrong with delaying it a few years.

Saying that though I am biased because I'm envious of people who didn't go at 18/19 and went later in life when they had a specific career path in minds. I wasted my shot 😂

I LOVED Uni, it was the best four years of my life.
Total freedom, interesting stuff to study, I loved the town my Uni was in. I can't express how wonderful the whole experience was, it was just magical.

Stay in halls for the first year - that way you have a much wider circle of people to make friends with.

I adored uni and would go back in a heartbeat if I could!

At no other time in your life do you have the time and freedom and opportunity you get at uni. You're studying something that interests you, you're largely in control of our own learning etc etc. And that's all amazing - but the icing on the cake is you're doing that with hundreds of others who are in the same boat. She'll meet so many amazing and interesting people and will actually have the time to enjoy doing so.

The job and the boyfriend will be there - in holidays and when she finishes. But uni is a golden space for learning who you are and doing what you love.

If she's looking for more specific experiences, here are some things that I did and just loved:

Studying only what I was interested in and having the freedom to focus on whatever niche part of my subject most interested me - such an amazing privilege!

Sitting 4 to a bed in halls watching films projected onto a sheet tacked to the wall and eating popcorn

Going to brunch in halls and having a cooked breakfast with all your best pals, pretty much every Sunday

Sitting in warm coffee shops having study or reading dates

House parties where you don't have to worry about what anyone's parents might say

Being taken totally seriously as an adult and respected for opinions and thoughts

Meeting my still best friends through a society I was involved in

Marching through London and actually seeing the law changed as a result of another society I was involved in

My friends decorating my room like a beach after I had been home for a weekend and then us all drinking pina coladas and listening to reggae

Going to Italy with three friends during exam leave for an unbelievably cheap and cheerful holiday

I loved the independence and I loved halls - it's amazing how much you learn from it and I just loved not having to worry about what anyone would think. I could choose when to get up and when to sleep etc etc. And it was so fun! I met so many good friends through halls. You're rarely lonely in those circumstances.

God I loved those years!

OP, I was in exactly the same situation as your DD when I was approaching university.

I'd worked for a year in a call centre, I'd excelled at that job and was being offered all sorts of incentives to stay. I had a nice boyfriend. I was dreading moving into halls because I was anti-social, I hated the idea of sharing a kitchen and I knew I'd be the roughest person there (I was very very lower working class going to a very elite university).

A week after I got to university I realised that my boyfriend was holding me back. It was nothing personal but spending every weekend with the same person suddenly felt stifling. I ended our relationship after a week at university and felt free. It wasn't that I wanted to suddenly start sleeping with other people it's just that if I went on a night out and got chatting to an attractive man or fancied flirting with some random guy then I could. As it turns out, I did sleep around a bit but then I met my now DH who is a million times more suited to me than my ex was.

Meanwhile at my old workplace where they'd offered me all sorts of promotions, the team I was in was disbanded and most people were made redundant. The promotion I was promised never materialised for anyone who stayed behind.

While I was the commonest person in my halls, I lived with some cracking people. We didn't stay friends really but we had fun for a year. Turns out sharing a kitchen wasn't too bad (though I didn't share a bathroom, that would've been way too far for me).

In my second year and university me and my now DH got a shit little damp flat together where we used to spend all day playing board games, eating toast and watching cookery shows in between bits of studying. These were an absolutely amazing two years of my life and I think really set my and DH in stone

My course was brilliant. I didn't particularly enjoy the first year as I felt out of my depth and I was also juggling issues with my ex (the one I broke up with after a week). However, years 2 and 3 were fab. I made some brilliant and like-minded friends on my course, devoured the readings we were asked to do and was lectured on fascinating subjects by leading experts in the field. Though I planned to apply to my old company's graduate scheme (the one I worked at in my year out), I actually changed direction and decided to pursue further study. I went on to do an MA and PhD. I'm now a university lecturer and I think I have a great life. That wouldn't have been possible if I'd have been swayed by the promotions on offer during my year off.

Having said all of this though, I didn't pay £9,000. I didn't pay any fees because of my mum's income and I got a grant to support my studies. If I was approaching university now with fees and the job market the way they are, I would only go if (a) I was doing a degree with a clear career path like medicine, pharmacy or accountancy or (b) I was going to throw myself into societies at the organisational level in order to come out of degree with something more than just the degree.

Tell her to go. I had a couple of friends who turned down a uni place for a boy and regretted it bitterly. Worst thing she could do. They’ll probably break up within a year anyway. Isn’t he going to uni?

I was unhappy

I hated every minute of it. I've never been so miserable and lonely in my life. It cost me my friends, the life and man I loved. I went because, like too many kids, I'd been sold the idea that it was university or a life of destitution. I did it to fulfil someone else's dream. I lasted a year and a half and I wish I'd lived the life I wanted.

The only plus side is that I met Mr Elbows.

Oh yeah, the studying was good too 😁 I did physics and I had some amazing opportunities - a summer placement at CERN, visiting a nuclear facility etc and well as doing a lot of outreach work and more general widening participation work. Oh and I learnt to ballroom and Latin dance! Very proud of my 4th place in the jive Uni was such an amazing experience on both the academic and social side. FWIW, I'm pretty shy and find new situations fairly terrifying, but being in halls you kind of don't have a choice but to speak to people, plus you're all in the same boat anyway. I loved exploring the city I was studying in as well :) in fact, my DH is from that city and hasn't visited half the places there that I have! Always seems to be that way with your home town though.

I think it depends what job she has at the moment - could it lead in to a career? I dropped out of uni after a year as it was nothing like I’d expected it to be. I then went on to have a ‘gap year’ before applying to a uni closer to home. I then fell lucky with a job that has led in to a ‘proper’ career. I have minimal student debt and have a better job that some of my graduate friends.

I actually wished I hadn't gone to University in hindsight BUT living in halls was the best thing I've ever done and the best moments of my life.

Uni was fantastic for me, I wouldn't have the career now if I hadn't done my first degree . Certainly worth it from a financial perspective as well. I wasn't particularly into the socialising but did enjoy the work and got a first class honours.

My years at uni were easily the best years of my life. Easily.

Odd to say, but uni is a 'meh period in my life. The people I stayed with in halls I didn't really click with, same on my course. My friends came via the part time supermarket job I had, and I actually preferred working to studying

My DH followed me up to university and didn't stifle me in any way. He was worried I would ditch him for partying! I got those years out from 14-18 though so I didn't want to go out all the time, probably why I didn't really have uni friends.

Early on I made a conscious decision that I wanted to be with my DH, who would be my priority over any fleeting uni friends I may make. Best decision I ever made.

Uni was good for the degree it got me, as I'm now rising through the ranks in the financial sector. Friends/memories? Eh. Not so much.

I loved it. I loved The studying. I loved the social life. I loved the freedom. Made some of the best friends there - all odd balls like me!

Uni can open so many doors. There may seem like good prospects where she is now but get her to look into how senior she can get without a degree. It can be quite a barrier.

Any boyfriend worth his salt will be encouraging her to be all that she can be. A good partner helps you to live your dreams and be and do what you want. They don't hold you back or down for fear of losing you.

Change is scary and it might not be the right choice in hindsight. But better to find out than live life with 'what ifs'.

I'm also 'meh'. Very useful growing up experience, got the degree that led to the job that led to the money, and also a place to make a lot of mistakes that no-one else knows about because I lost touch with almost everyone!

certainly not the best years and with the degree done, couldn't wait to get out.

It was wonderful and life changing for me.

Can she identify what it is holding her back? If it's fear of the unknown then that's not a reason not to go.

I was with my now DH all through uni, it didn't stop me getting the best of uni life while maintaining a very important relationship.

I was a slow burner at uni, unsure of my first year as I didn't jell with anyone in my halls. That said, I made some wonderful friends on my course that I still see today. I wouldn't change it for the world!

Some great some awful. I was very depressed for much of it. But met a long term boyfriend and got a very useful degree and had classes with people who had massive commercial as well as academic success.
Almost every job I have had has had someone who went to my uni involved in the hiring which has been a bonus.

But I wish I’d differed a year or two to get my head together and appreciate it more.

Can she defer again?

I loved uni so much. I wanted to stay in a flat in my first year and wad really upset when allocated halls. The following summer I cried as we drove away for the last time! There were 16 of us on the corridor. We'd all get ready for nights out together, sing in the shower, go for breakfast together, study and watch tv. The corridor above was boys, we'd hang out with them too. It was so much fun I can't even explain. And spending time learning about a subject you like, walking around campus with books feeling like you're in a film, making friendships that are the most intense and rewarding you can experience. Meeting people from all over the UK. having more freedom than you'll ever have again. So many good things.

What course does is she going to do and why? What’s the job she’s in now, and could it lead to a career?

My DH flunked school, joined the Navy and 20 years later earns near enough the same as me. I have a good degree and left uni £20k in debt which took me over a decade to clear and am still struggling with the financial fall out 15 years after graduating. He has £60k equity in a house.

So it’s not clear cut.

However, debt aside, I bloody loved uni. I loved it up good and proper. Shagged far too much, drank far too much, worked in the student union, got involved with NUS (not the namby pamby nonsense that seems fashionable again now), played lots of sports, got involved with lot of charity events and did all sorts of mad cap things. I only cleared out my fancy dress box a few years ago....! It was brilliant.

My first two terms at uni were awful and lonely but my last term was amazing (mainly due to friendship group dynamics changing). At the very end of my first year I met the man who would go on to be my exH and dropped out. It's the biggest regret of my life (both dropping out and meting ex!). 25 years later, I'm finally back at uni and loving it!

Is uni something your DD actually wanted to do, or is it something she felt she ought to do in the absence of a plan B? What subject would she be studying?

I loved uni. There were lonely times but I made my closest friends, learnt a lot and became an adult.