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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed in DH?

61 replies

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 13:52

I’m genuinely not sure if I’m being unreasonable. I think I might be. Basically, I’ve been ill since last Wednesday- terrible tonsillitis, possibly glandular fever. I am sleeping constantly and only have the energy to sit on the sofa otherwise. I get dizzy if I walk around for more than five minutes. We have 2 DC who are 3 and 11 months. Since last Wednesday he has done no washing- I have put a couple of loads on but he hasn’t bothered to sort them out or put them away. The beds needed changing this weekend and he didn’t do it. I had to tell him to change the cat’s litter tray. There are dirty mugs everywhere. He’s working full time but due to the nature of his shifts and taking dependency leave when I first got ill, he’s only worked one night shift (Friday night) in all this time, and isn’t due back til Thursday as he’s taken annual leave for Wednesday to give me more time to recover as that’s the only day the DC aren’t in nursery. Today he’s taken them both to nursery, done a little tidy of the living room and otherwise played games/ slept. He says he’s stressed out ‘doing everything’ while I’m ill but he isn’t!! I mean yes it’s not awful - the kids are fed and clean and we’re not exactly living in a midden, but he is doing the absolute bare minimum. Thing is I don’t really know how or even if to raise it. Possibly I’m just BU because I’m frustrated I can’t do things myself.

OP posts:

JayoftheRed · 04/06/2018 13:56

That doesn't sound right. Yes, he has been working, but not a lot in this time, and you are probably making yourself worse by stressing about it.

He should have done the washing, or at least sorted the stuff you'd managed to do. The bed, maybe not so urgent, would have been nice but you could live with it. He should be washing up all the pots and pans as they need doing and generally keeping the place clean and tidy (as much as you can with small children). That is the bare minimum. He's enjoying having time off work to chill and do his own thing.

There's not much you can do really except perhaps keep asking him to do the things that need doing. If he moans, remind him that you do it all the time without reminding, but that while you can't, you expect him to do it, and that you will not get better any quicker in a house that needs cleaning.

I hope you do feel better soon.

Original poster

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 15:02

Ergh we’ve just had a big row about it. He thinks he’s been doing a good job and I’m
Being unsupportive and critical. I am a bit, I think. I’m no good at being ill.

OP posts:

marjorie25 · 04/06/2018 15:06

If getting things done whilst you are sick is that important, then get a cleaner to come and do what needs to be done.
Working nights is stressful enough even though he have only worked a couple of nights since your sickness.
Get yourself better and then sit down and discuss what took place whilst you were sick and what improvements can be made.
But right now to a man you are just nagging and men hates that.

Spaghettijumper · 04/06/2018 15:12

'But right now to a man you are just nagging and men hates that.'

WTF???

So the OP has to constantly be responsible for everything, even when she's very ill and if she dares to ask her DH to be an adult and actually pull his weight, it's 'nagging.'?? Jesus.

OP you're in situation that lots of women find themselves in - they think they're in a lovely partnership until suddenly they can't run around doing everything any more, due to illness or bereavement or some other issue, and they realise that when the chips are down their partner isn't really there for them - that they're on their own and the responsibilities of everyday life will always fall to them, no matter what. It's very disappointing.

When your DH is ill does everything in the house stop and fall apart? I bet not.

It's up to you what you want to do from here. My DH used to be like this and in combination with other things it led me to want to divorce him. I said to him all honesty that my life would be easier without him (while his would be a lot lot harder without me). He got it, finally and now he's like a different man.

If I'm ill, I go to bed and the life in the family keeps going - clothes get washed, house gets cleaned, bills get paid. I'm not grateful for it because I deserve to be treated like a human being that deserves to rest completely when I'm ill, not like a malfunctioning appliance that gets stuff piled on top of me while I'm waiting to be repaired.

Goldmandra · 04/06/2018 15:18

Ask him to arrange for a cleaner to come this week if he can't manage the housework you normally do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/06/2018 15:21

But right now to a man you are just nagging and men hates that.

It's very clever, isn't it? Men get to behave poorly and when women ask for what they need, men can just pull out the nagging card. Genius way to control women.

OP, I wouldn't tackle this while you're ill. Too hard to have a constructive conversation. After you're better, I would say that you're worried he can't cope with the house and kids. That if something happened to you, you're worried he'd be screwed. Then go for a MN Approved 'Spa weekend'. And leave him to it.

BetsyBigNose · 04/06/2018 15:22

I honestly wouldn't stress over it - just concentrate on getting yourself better and have a proper clean and tidy up once you're feeling up to it. He's probably worried about you and out of his comfort zone, I'd just be grateful to have an extra pair of hands to deal with the kids (imagine if you were a single parent having to deal with everything yourself whilst feeling so poorly). It's not worth falling out over. I hope you feel much better very soon.

TuTru · 04/06/2018 15:26

Wait til your better then kick his butt into shape for the future 😉

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2018 15:29

You're not at all unreasonable to be annoyed but you've allowed him to get away with this shit by not doing anything in the house. If he was sick would everything go wrong? I bet it wouldn't.

Focus on getting better but have a serious talk then about this because he's lazy and it's not fair that you do everything.

Cadencia · 04/06/2018 15:29

I don't think that it's the right time to have this argument. I'm all for men pulling their weight around the house, but when one of you is really ill and you have two very young DC then all bets are off and it's just a matter of getting through the days until things are back to normal.

If you think that your partnership is unequal under normal circumstances, and this occasion has highlighted this for you, then that's different and worth addressing when you're back to full health.

Blaablaablaa · 04/06/2018 15:32

@marjorie are you being serious? Men hate nagging? Well, women hate being called nags for calling out lazy men who don't step up to their responsibilities.

FrozenMargarita17 · 04/06/2018 15:34

This is the second time I've seen you on a thread being shitty to the OP @marjorie25

StormTreader · 04/06/2018 15:34

"he’s taken annual leave for Wednesday to give me more time to recover as that’s the only day the DC aren’t in nursery. Today he’s taken them both to nursery, done a little tidy of the living room and otherwise played games/ slept. "

I suspect this is what he thinks you do when you're at home. I wonder how he thinks all the other stuff gets done?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 04/06/2018 15:46

But right now to a man you are just nagging and men hates that.

Well fuck that.

Anyway. It sounds like he truly believes he has been doing everything because he has presumably been getting away with doing the minimum, and this has only become apparent when you are out of action. Try not to stress too much while you are ill, but look on it as a longer term project to divide the housework more evenly.

DarlingNikita · 04/06/2018 15:46

Since last Wednesday he has done no washing- I have put a couple of loads on but he hasn’t bothered to sort them out or put them away. The beds needed changing this weekend and he didn’t do it. I had to tell him to change the cat’s litter tray. There are dirty mugs everywhere.

I'd be so fucked off about this. Who does he think tells YOU to change the litter? Is he always this useless? I assume he holds down a job in which he is required to behave like a competent adult? I'd ask him exactly that, actually.

But right now to a man you are just nagging and men hates that.
Oh, piss off.

allflownthenest · 04/06/2018 16:10

UANBU my kindle exh was very like this.

When my dcs were very small I was very ill one day. The ils were away and for some reason my dm couldn't come. She was amazing and would normally have dropped everything to help so my exh had to work from home. I finally staggered downstairs at about 3 in the afternoon to find the dcs not fed and the biggest mess, I was still feeling like sh**t but had to feed dcs and clear up. He was really incompetent. So much for equality of the sexes. I do believe he's doing better 2nd time around!

Original poster

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 16:11

Agree with everyone saying leave it for now and sort it once I'm better. He does do stuff in the house - but admittedly not a lot. He periodically does a massive blitz and tidies everything and I think in his head that justifies his lack of contribution to day to day maintenance tasks. He's a very good, involved dad so it's not like he doesn't do anything, but realistically I do all the laundry, 90% of the cooking and food shopping, 95% of cleaning, and considerably more than 50% of dishwasher loading and unloading, tidying, sorting, and general lifework. I've been off on maternity for a year - was due to start back this week (hence kids being in nursery) - and I think we've just fallen into the pattern of me doing almost everything in the house.

It's also his mother and his nephew's birthdays on Wednesday. I know for a fact he hasn't got anything for either of them, even though his mum has told him what she wants. I am not sorting it while I feel like this though I could easily do an amazon order for something to arrive for nephew at least so maybe I'm being petty.

OP posts:

Whatshallidonowpeople · 04/06/2018 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Natasha2 · 04/06/2018 16:21

If you normally do all the laundry and most of the cooking and cleaning, then you need to tell him what he needs to do when you can't do it.

He is already doing much more thath he usually does and so the thinks that he is helping.

Once the washing machine has finished, ask him to hang the washing out - don't just expect him to notice and remember.

If he won't do it, then complain, but you can't really complain when you haven't asked him to do it.

I find it amazing that women expect their husbands to be psychic. If you want him to do something that he doesn't normally do then ask him!

Natasha2 · 04/06/2018 16:23

Forget the birthdays - you are ill and you need to look after yourself and your family.

They can get their presents when you are better/your DH has less to do. Don't ask your husband to do it as he has enough to do already.

WowLookAtYou · 04/06/2018 16:27

I can't believe some of what I'm reading here!
"Keep on at him and you'll find out what it's like to be a single parent?"
"He has enough to do!"

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2018 16:27

Get plenty of rest, glandular fever can be nasty.

squishy · 04/06/2018 16:28

Well, women hate being called nags for calling out lazy men who don't step up to their responsibilities.

^^ love this!

LilMadAgain · 04/06/2018 16:30

*Whatshallidonowpeople

How do you think single parents manage? Keep on at him and you might find out*

LOL get tae fuck you hairy handed walloper.

Original poster

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 16:31

Whatshallidonowpeople wtf has that got to do with anything? I’m not and he’s a competent adult who holds down a full time job and is their father. How hard is it, when you notice you’ve pulled the last pair of clean pants out of your child’s drawer, to make the mental leap that you might need to stick a wash on?! FWIW if I was a single parent I’d have had to either beg my mother for help these last few days or pay for someone to help, as I freely admit I wouldn’t have coped otherwise.

OP posts:

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