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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disappointed in DH?

61 replies

AveAtqueVale · 04/06/2018 13:52

I’m genuinely not sure if I’m being unreasonable. I think I might be. Basically, I’ve been ill since last Wednesday- terrible tonsillitis, possibly glandular fever. I am sleeping constantly and only have the energy to sit on the sofa otherwise. I get dizzy if I walk around for more than five minutes. We have 2 DC who are 3 and 11 months. Since last Wednesday he has done no washing- I have put a couple of loads on but he hasn’t bothered to sort them out or put them away. The beds needed changing this weekend and he didn’t do it. I had to tell him to change the cat’s litter tray. There are dirty mugs everywhere. He’s working full time but due to the nature of his shifts and taking dependency leave when I first got ill, he’s only worked one night shift (Friday night) in all this time, and isn’t due back til Thursday as he’s taken annual leave for Wednesday to give me more time to recover as that’s the only day the DC aren’t in nursery. Today he’s taken them both to nursery, done a little tidy of the living room and otherwise played games/ slept. He says he’s stressed out ‘doing everything’ while I’m ill but he isn’t!! I mean yes it’s not awful - the kids are fed and clean and we’re not exactly living in a midden, but he is doing the absolute bare minimum. Thing is I don’t really know how or even if to raise it. Possibly I’m just BU because I’m frustrated I can’t do things myself.

OP posts:

ThisCannotBe · 04/06/2018 16:34

Hahahaha at Marj and WhatShall. Retreat back under your bridge!

ThisCannotBe · 04/06/2018 16:36

Ignore them OP. You're obviously doing a great job.

I would throw a reminder to your husband about the birthday presents but let him know you're not up to handling it right now. Housework etc. well something has got to give, especially if you are going back to work. Have a chat about a cleaner or a 50/50 split on chores if that is not possible!

Hope you feel better soon.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 16:38

I hate it when people find excuses for a grown up man that can’t be bothered to lift a finger to do basic cleaning and then goes on about how hard it is.

He isn’t working atm. The OP is ill. He should be stepping up to the plate and do the washing/washing up/cleaning.
What is going in now is that he is leaving as much as possible for the OP to pick up when she feels better. Which means that her recovery will be harder. Nice.

OP I agree about not saying anything just now.
But when you feel like it, tell him to do the cleaning he should have done when you were ill. If he complains, remind him that this is what you do EVERYDAY and that you hope he can now appreciate how thankful he should be that you are doing so much for the family.

NapQueen · 04/06/2018 16:40

If you are able to manage two small kids and sorting the majority of the housework then so should he. He lives in the house. He made the kids. Of course he should know what to do. And of course he should step in properly when needed. "In sickness and in health".

Maybe just explain the most important things - feed kids, kids entertained, generally clean house, food in. Is bed changing needed? Or is it just because its always done on x day? Can it wait another week? Vacuuming, dishes, loo and kids clothes priority for housework extra is a bonus.

Other than that just go to bed and stay there if you cant see it you cant worry about it.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 16:42

I’m at the comments of some posters who seem to think you need to somehow tell him what needs to be done.
Because a grown up man cannot possibly know that if you put clothes in the washing machine, then it also needs to be out to dry??
Or that bed sheets need changing everyday?
Or that, if you take the last pair of pants from the drawer, you need to be sure the others are in the wash??

There are things H does that I don’t. Like servicing the car or putting the bins out. But you know what, I still know these things and would be able to do them wo him having to ‘remind me’ or ‘teach’ me. I’m not stupid or incompetent and nor is he and nor is the OP’s DH!!

Tambien · 04/06/2018 16:46

Btw I’ve been ill with ME so have been unable to do more than what you are currently doing for months.
I’ve learnt one things about it.
You can let some stuff slip for a while. It’s ok.
You certainly do NOT want to force yourself to still do things when you are unwell. Imagine of it was your DH. Would he try to go to work? Would he try to clean the house? Nope he would rest. And so should you.
But don’t jump to do all the things he hasn’t done (incl buying a b’day present for his mum). He needs to learn to take some responsibility. He isn’t going to do it if you dint let him fail at taking said responsibility.

Spaghettijumper · 04/06/2018 16:47

If a mother never washed her children's clothes, even when their dad was I'll, would she be called a 'good involved mother'??

Spaghettijumper · 04/06/2018 16:48

That should say ill obviously.

Tallace · 04/06/2018 16:49

Bedsheets dont need changing every day

Fatted · 04/06/2018 16:49

Tell him to get up off his arse and pull his weight. My DH doesn't do as much as I do round the house. He works full time and I work part time. But he still puts the washing on. He did two loads of washing and change all the beds yesterday

NapQueen · 04/06/2018 16:50

Or that bed sheets need changing everyday? say whaaaat?

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 16:51

I find it amazing that women expect their husbands to be psychic
I find it amazing that these attitudes still exist in 2018, fuck me its not her job to wash and cook for him and the kid, its a fucking partnership, team effort so when there's a player down you pick up the slack, you don't ignore shit that needs done! Christ almighty!

kateandme · 04/06/2018 17:00

how do views on these types of htreads change from day to day.if this was on the other day there would be so many ltb or how dare he not help.and now It looks like amny are in support of a partner ot helping when his wife is feeling shit!
I don't get it.

TheSconeOfStone · 04/06/2018 17:01

YANBU at all. Some people have incredibly low expectations of the the men in their lives. Luckily mine was trained before I got him. He has had some periods of ill health where I have worked, looked after small DC and kept the house ticking over single handed. If a woman can do it so can a man. Even my autistic 10 year old can do laundry.

Natasha2 · 04/06/2018 17:09

he’s a competent adult who holds down a full time job and is their father.
But his full time job presumably doesn't involve laundry,

How hard is it, when you notice you’ve pulled the last pair of clean pants out of your child’s drawer,

How does he know that there isn't clean underware somewhere else? You have always done the washing and so he does not get involved.

YABU. If you carry on like this then it is going to cause a big rift betweeen you.

Tell him when he needs to to things and explain when he should do it again.

If he then doesn't change, then you can complain and then you need to decide if you can continue like this.

Confusedbeetle · 04/06/2018 17:11

I think you should just focus on getting better and ignore the housework, Have your arguments when you are fit to do so, you are wasting energy you need

DarlingNikita · 04/06/2018 17:13

he’s a competent adult who holds down a full time job and is their father.
But his full time job presumably doesn't involve laundry
Neither do many women's (mine doesn't). Yet I still find myself able to do the laundry.

How hard is it, when you notice you’ve pulled the last pair of clean pants out of your child’s drawer

Tell him when he needs to to things and explain when he should do it again.

Is he a toddler?

BewareOfDragons · 04/06/2018 17:13

He's being a twat.

You would do the things you're reasonably expecting him to do if he was in bed ill. He should be doing them for you. End of.

pigmcpigface · 04/06/2018 17:18

This is not OK. He needs to step up, pronto.

I don't want to be the harbinger of doom when you're already feeling ill and let down, but if you do have glandular fever, it can be a long haul to feel better again. (I had it when I was 17, and I wasn't fully well for 3 years - I could still function, but it was hard work!). He needs to step up now, and it may be for longer than a week or two.

TERFragetteCity · 04/06/2018 17:20

If you normally do all the laundry and most of the cooking and cleaning, then you need to tell him what he needs to do when you can't do it.

This is absolutely fucking ridiculous. He can google how to use a washing machine/how to cook/when to empty the cat litter as much as anyone else if he REALLY CANNOT USE HIS FUCKING BRAINS.

TERFragetteCity · 04/06/2018 17:21

But his full time job presumably doesn't involve laundry

Mine has never involved laundry. But guess what - I still do it!

bubbles108 · 04/06/2018 17:21

After you're better, I would say that you're worried he can't cope with the house and kids. That if something happened to you, you're worried he'd be screwed. Then go for a MN Approved 'Spa weekend'. And leave him to it.

This

With knobs on

crazylikesundaymorning · 04/06/2018 17:22

I'm going to stick my neck out and say cut him some slack. I also have ME (20+yrs, bad relapse in 2013) and gave up work permanently in 2015. DH works 1 full time and 2 part time jobs so I can be at home. When I am well enough I do most of the housework/childcare but quite often I am not well enough.
Whenever I am stuck in bed ill DH takes over as much as he can but we basically have the rule that if there's only 50% of the workforce then you can't expect 100% of the work to get done. Once we get through the bad patch with all pets and children still alive we clap ourselves on the back! The same standards apply to me if DH is ill. If he was laid in bed ill he would be happy I was feeding the kids etc and definitely not moaning I hadn't changed the sheets. Tbh if you're worried about washing uniform and changing beds then you can't be too ill.

As an expert on managing with an ill parent (not by choice) I'd say normal standards do not apply at times of crisis. If things are not done to your liking you can always instigate a new system when you're better.

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 17:26

like everyone else, I had to read the book to find out how the washing machine worked, I assume he can read.

some people need to catch a grip and stop being subservient door mats, and expecting other people to be as well, It is not 1950 any longer catch up!

Spaghettijumper · 04/06/2018 17:32

Crazy, he hasn't washed any clothes since Wednesday. Washing has to be done every few days with kids or it goes out of control. She shouldn't expect perfection right enough, but washing is just basic.

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