To be disappointed in DH?

[AveAtqueVale]

I’m genuinely not sure if I’m being unreasonable. I think I might be. Basically, I’ve been ill since last Wednesday- terrible tonsillitis, possibly glandular fever. I am sleeping constantly and only have the energy to sit on the sofa otherwise. I get dizzy if I walk around for more than five minutes. We have 2 DC who are 3 and 11 months. Since last Wednesday he has done no washing- I have put a couple of loads on but he hasn’t bothered to sort them out or put them away. The beds needed changing this weekend and he didn’t do it. I had to tell him to change the cat’s litter tray. There are dirty mugs everywhere. He’s working full time but due to the nature of his shifts and taking dependency leave when I first got ill, he’s only worked one night shift (Friday night) in all this time, and isn’t due back til Thursday as he’s taken annual leave for Wednesday to give me more time to recover as that’s the only day the DC aren’t in nursery. Today he’s taken them both to nursery, done a little tidy of the living room and otherwise played games/ slept. He says he’s stressed out ‘doing everything’ while I’m ill but he isn’t!! I mean yes it’s not awful - the kids are fed and clean and we’re not exactly living in a midden, but he is doing the absolute bare minimum. Thing is I don’t really know how or even if to raise it. Possibly I’m just BU because I’m frustrated I can’t do things myself.

Thing is in these situs, I always think that if situation were reversed (man was ill, mum working ft) the mum would be pretty likely to do everything and look after sick man. In fact half the time, if the mum is very ill but not as incapacitated as OP, she will still be doing everything, even when man is around. And that's what's galling.

@natasha I really can't believe you are being serious.

Neither mine or DH's job involves laundry but funnily enough we've managed to figure out how a washing machine works. My DH also isn't a raging misogynist so doesn't expect this to fall to me .

The point is he is failing to step up to his responsibilities and appears to be sulking because he's not being looked after for once. If nothing else this warrants a serious discussion about household responsibilities because he's clearly not pulling his weight.

The point is he is failing to step up to his responsibilities and appears to be sulking because he's not being looked after for once. If nothing else this warrants a serious discussion about household responsibilities because he's clearly not pulling his weight.

If he is doing it deliberately then the OP has a much more serious problem than him just not pulling his weight.

If he is doing it simply because he is overwhelmed as he has done practically no housework for over a year, then she needs to be more reasonable.

spaghetti yes I have kids, I'm aware laundry needs doing but she also says "it’s not awful - the kids are fed and clean" so I'm just saying if it's not awful and kids are clean then what's the problem. Tonsillitis won't last for ever and in the meantime surely everyone can just cut each other a bit of slack and muddle through.

@natasha I'm sorry but 'overwhelmed' ?? It's housework not brain surgery. Not an acceptable excuse from a grown man

My DH loves these threads by the way. I read them, tell him how much I love and appreciate him and he says, "is some bloke being a lazy twat in Mumsnet?"

And then leave all the extra work to the OP even though she will still be tired when she resumes normal activities....

I’m always careful when women say ‘it’s not awful’ whilst still being really frustrated that so little is being done. It often means that actually it’s only the really bare minimum that is done but that 5 days later she will find herself in a crap position eg no clothes clean at all for the children, pans with food and/or mood stuck on them, no food in the house etc...
But there is always this feeling that, as a woman, you can’t complain about how little your H stepping up, as a man.
You see that too when immediately the idea that the woman is just asking for too much, has high standards etc... is raised. The standard that a woman is evaluated in re housework and children is always much much higher than the standard used to evaluate a man.
Why???

You can play a form of divorce bingo on MN, read the original post and see how many responses it takes for someone to suggest divorce as the answer, in this case I think its four

As @pigmcpigface says, if it is glandular fever, if you do too much too soon, you will just have relapses. Setting aside the other issues, if you are ill enough for that to be suspected, stay in bed. Do not try and do anything. You will recover more quickly even if it's not glandular fever.
Let him take ownership of everything. Literally hand over control of everything. Yes, it will be hard work and a huge shock. He may come to regret slacking off earlier. He will do things differently to you. He will have different priorities. He will cock up. You will want to criticise. Don't.
Just tell him he needs to be prepared for you being out of action for a while. You can give him occasional tips where you can see something going really wrong, e.g. you find you need to stay on top of washing or you get a crisis where no-one has any clean pants. Request the things that are particularly important to you, e.g. the sheets are all sweaty, it would be lovely to have a clean set. Stress that you need to do nothing now to get well as quickly as possible. Give up control and let him learn. Try to not to laugh when he can see.
If you can't cope with watching the house get into a state, could you escape to somewhere you can be looked after for a few days? Even if you'd rather not, muse about this to him - that should focus his mind a little.
Get well soon OP

Don't worry... just let him muddle through.. anytime he ever says about housework in future. You can always remind him how hard it is to do it all

WTAF I can't believe some of the comments on this thread.