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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give unborn DC my DP's name?

63 replies

applejuicer · 04/06/2018 13:11

DP and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We were planning to get married sometime next year but I happened to fall pregnant unexpectedly.

I don't have UK citizenship and don't feel comfortable giving our child his last name until we're married. He's a bit upset by this; said we could just get married before the baby arrives so we would both have his name and it'd save us the hassle of changing it later on. I told him I'd like a proper wedding and that I don't want to marry him just for the sake of convenience of not having to change DC's name in a year.

I'm worried he'll get upset by this when the baby is here - and I am not sure if AIBU as we are planning to get married?

If he gets very annoyed by this, can I registrer a birth using my name without him agreeing to it - even if that feels horribly wrong? So lost.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 04/06/2018 13:14

I'd give the baby your surname then and then if/when you married you can always change it to his. Although just because you get married doesn't mean you need to take his surname.

BuntyII · 04/06/2018 13:15

You should get married. A wedding isn't a vanity project, it will protect you and your child.

BestZebbie · 04/06/2018 13:15

I'd be very tempted to marry him now so that you are legally protected and the baby has his name from the start, but only tell your parents, and then have a 'wedding' next year as planned.

Mousefunky · 04/06/2018 13:17

You can do the legal ceremony side of things before your baby is born then have an actual wedding next year if you want legal protection and to resolve the name issue. Alternatively just do as you plan, give the baby your surname until you marry unless you decide to keep your surname.

Love51 · 04/06/2018 13:18

It is really quite a new trend to give children their father's name. Traditionally children take their mother's name (although very traditionally, she would have taken her husband's name on marriage so it's a moot point). There's no way I would give a child I had carried and birthed any name other than my own (even if it wasn't my birth name and I had acquired it on marriage).
Changing your child's name on marriage won't be much more hassle than changing your own. If he thinks it will be, he could always choose to take yours to match you and the kid!

Parkrunner25 · 04/06/2018 13:18

YANBU to not give DC his name.

However, it sounds a bit like you want to have a wedding rather than be married. A "proper wedding" to me is one where you end up legally married. Everything else is just window dressing.

Allthewaves · 04/06/2018 13:18

I do a registery office wedding and not tell anyone. Then get married next year as planned

MeMyShelfandIkea · 04/06/2018 13:18

Much easier to change your baby's name to his after marriage rather than the other way round if you happen to separate before getting married.

Personally I'd get married first especially if your career is going to take a hit.

Allthewaves · 04/06/2018 13:19

No way would I give child partners surname unless we were married

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 13:20

Yes you absolutely can register the birth alone - in fact that's the law, he can come with you to register but as you are not married then he can't register the baby.

Traditionally if you're not married, the baby should absolutely have your last name.

He's upset?

How about you point out that he should be very pleased that the ultimate plan is for you to all take his last name at all, and that you could just as easily decide that your name should be the one given to the baby?

There is no reason at all that his name should take precedence.

Perhaps if he's going to kick up a fuss that's the best indicator of all that you should be cautious.

I think that yes, giving your name to the baby with the intention that if things continue to go well and you do get married, then his name will be your family name is more than reasonable.

I'd definitely be looking at how he reacts to this as a very good indicator of the quality of partner you have here.

dementedpixie · 04/06/2018 13:20

I imagine OP doesn't want to rush into a marriage when the baby is due in a few months time. Can you not just keep to the plans you had for next year?

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 13:21

There's no way I would give a child I had carried and birthed any name other than my own (even if it wasn't my birth name and I had acquired it on marriage).

Quite!

BlueBug45 · 04/06/2018 13:23

OP if you aren't married in the UK it is the mother who registers the child's birth so chooses all the names.

The father can accompany her, if she allows him to, so he can be put on the birth certificate so he can have parental responsibility.

Personally if you are the lower earner in the relationship and/or have less assets, I would get married asap. Then have a wedding or blessing afterwards.

MiddleMoffat · 04/06/2018 13:24

There is no reason why you should give your DD the father's name, give them your name, even after marriage.

Any man that makes a fuss, well you have to wonder why he's so old fashioned and will he be like that once the baby is born....

Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2018 13:24

That's because that would be horribly wrong to register without him. It should be a decision between the both of you - if you can't decide then you double-barrel.

HoppingPavlova · 04/06/2018 13:25

Give it whatever name you want. Our (biological) kids have neither my name nor DH’s. Still haven’t managed to lose them Grin.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:25

He sounds quite sexist really. I suggest keeping your own name for yourself and the baby even if you get married.

Takfujuimoto · 04/06/2018 13:25

I think unless you have serious reservations about him then it makes the most sense to have a registry office 'wedding' before the baby is born.

If what you mean by a 'Real wedding' is a fancy party after the vows then YAB a bit U.

WineAndTiramisu · 04/06/2018 13:27

YADNBU

My DP and I are planning to get married eventually. I've just had our first DD and she was registered with my surname. He would have preferred her to have his name, but I argued that I wasn't having a different name to my child and if he felt the same, there was an easy solution - marriage!

Bluelonerose · 04/06/2018 13:27

I had this op ds2 dad wanted him to have his surname. I said not a chance so we double barrled and dropped mine when we did get married.

Shiftymake · 04/06/2018 13:28

My cousin got married before her baby was born and months later had the wedding with family and friends. Admit though that there was pressing reasons for this, he was about to be sent to Afghanistan and they wanted to secure the child on the chance of him not coming back.

Original poster
applejuicer · 04/06/2018 13:28

I do want to marry him, but I don't want to look back on our wedding day thinking he only did it to make sure his DC is born with his name. That's what it feels like right now anyway as he is sulking.. it doesn't make me feel very "wanted".. and I am already 30 weeks along and don't want to rush a wedding.

Don't wanna give much too information away but I am not in England.. so not sure if I can still registrer on my own in the rest of the UK?

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 04/06/2018 13:28

However in your case, it may be safer to get married ASAP, then do the "wedding" the following year, there's no need to tell anyone that's what you've done if you don't want to

Bluebell878275 · 04/06/2018 13:29

Any man that makes a fuss, well you have to wonder why he's so old fashioned and will he be like that once the baby is born....

Seriously Hmm Maybe a man that makes a fuss perhaps feels that he isn't being treated as an equal parent. Perhaps he feels just as upset as a woman might if she didn't get a choice in her own child's name. Equality is alive and well I see.

liminality · 04/06/2018 13:32

I think it's a bit rough all the people disparaging the OP's want for a real wedding. Yes it is a legal protection, but it is also the biggest party in most people lives, and they don't want to just go to a registry and not have all the joy of a big community celebration.
Could you register and have the blessing next year? Otherwise, it will take a few more heart to heart conversations for him to understand where you're coming from. But you should be prepared to give a little too - if not in changing the name, in maybe the registry prior to the big day.

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