To not give unborn DC my DP's name?

[applejuicer]

DP and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We were planning to get married sometime next year but I happened to fall pregnant unexpectedly.

I don't have UK citizenship and don't feel comfortable giving our child his last name until we're married. He's a bit upset by this; said we could just get married before the baby arrives so we would both have his name and it'd save us the hassle of changing it later on. I told him I'd like a proper wedding and that I don't want to marry him just for the sake of convenience of not having to change DC's name in a year.

I'm worried he'll get upset by this when the baby is here - and I am not sure if AIBU as we are planning to get married?

If he gets very annoyed by this, can I registrer a birth using my name without him agreeing to it - even if that feels horribly wrong? So lost.

I don't want to look back on our wedding day thinking he only did it to make sure his DC is born with his name

well you said you were planning to get married - was he enthusiastic about getting married before you fell pregnant?

As others have said, it would be a good idea for you to consider legal marriage (unless you have more to contribute and more to lose on a division of assets if you split) but not tell anyone and then have the wedding when you are ready - lots couples who want to have "holiday weddings" in other countries have to do this anyway.

If giving your DC his name is very important to him but is making you feel weird, double barrel it whether you are married or not.

Crikey. You will have grown the baby in your stomach for 9 months and given birth to them. Ie life. The least your dp can do is back off and leave you to give your baby your surname.

That said, I do agree with pps saying to protect yourself and marry now in a quiet service and have a blessing next year.

bluebug yes, I'm in the UK. XP lost it when I said I'd like to double barrel the names. I ended up backing down.

We've no official arrangements or anything, just been loosely planning to get married 'perhaps next year'.

Give the baby your surname!

I've heard of more than one wedding that was pushed to the eternal back burner after DC came along and safely had the dad's name.

Suddenly accordign to dad, no need to rush into marriage at all...

You're 30 weeks pregnant. Of course you don't want to organise and do a quickie wedding. And why the hell should you?

I LOVE how none of this was an issue at all, total ASSUMPTION that the child would be registered with his name even though no wedding is even planned yet. Him just complacently assumign that his name would take absolute precedence.

Now you mention that actually you will be giving the baby your name at birth, whatever that might be, and even on here there's all sorts of solutions being offered to the huge, unpleasant problem of your baby shock horror having your name instead - even for a year or so.

There doesn't need to be a quickie wedding or some complex solution.

The easiest, fairest and best way of doing this is what OP plans to do. Give her baby her name. The baby's actual BIRTH NAME, because they are not married.

Then if or when they do marry, both names will be changed with no fuss at all.

Watch while the sky falls in as we all comtemplate the unthinkable - a solution in which a man and his wants are not given first priority!!!

Get married on the QT and have a party/blessing/reception next year. Absolute no-brainer unless you're one of the lucky few women who are in a better financial position than their partner and are 100% sure your career/earning potential won't be effected.

Remember as well that with the birth of this DC it'll likely be quite difficult for you to leave in the future if things don't work out and you fancy moving home or elsewhere. That's a pretty massive sacrifice and if he's offering the security of marriage (even if it's only for his own selfish reasons atm) I would take him up on it now.

Give the baby your surname. ^ FizzyGreen is so right. Why do we, as some women, give up our names so easily?! Bonkers! Your child will always have the same name as you, whether you get married or not. Stick with it.

I did! We did get married a few years later and actually it was a nice day for the 3 of us.

Seeing as you don't have UK citizenship and you want to register the child in your name, you should get legal advice:

British citizenship by birth in the United Kingdom or a qualified British Overseas Territory. From 1 January 1983, a child born in the UK to a parent who is a British citizen or 'settled' in the UK is automatically a British citizen by birth. ... Only one parent needs to meet this requirement.

Sloth big organisations use the phrase ‘most people like to ...’ to get people to comply with the outcome they want, because people like to follow the crowd. As long as the narrative stays with ‘most men ....’ it will stay that way. When I was growing up women didn’t generally own their own property, women weren’t allowed to take out a loan or mortgage in their name etc Then some women started putting their heads above the parapet. I agree with your point think it would be useful to stop offering men ready made excuses. Let them justify decisions for themselves.

My DC have their dad’s name cos mine is so common it’s impossible to get nice email addresses etc and his sounds better.
If it had been other way round we’d have used mine. I never considered changing my name but he offered to change his. It’s more common than you think. Let’s change the narrative.

No, I don't be doing the same. I would never want a different name than my children.

However YABU to want a wedding day rather than a marriage. Marrying before the baby is born makes sense. Your risking security for the sake of a big party essentially.

Although, I'd not want to marry anyone that wanted the day rather than the vows.

Not sure why you’re lecturing me, teatime? I agree this attitude is sexist.

Would being married to a UK national give you (and therefore your family) more security? Because if so I'd just get on and do that - just as an admin exercise really, though registry office weddings can be lovely and chic especially with a posh lunch afterwards - and then plan your celebration for when you want it.

Going through the same thing right now OP.
I've just told him unless he marries me before the baby arrive, the baby is having my surname.

As someone who did give DD DHs name (we are married but I dont use his name) and lives abroad, it`s a PITA to travel. I would give DD my name, or have the whole family use one surname (either mine or his).

In your case I would be calmly trying to work out whats going on for him. Currently youre talking about why and he`s talking about what.