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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give unborn DC my DP's name?

63 replies

applejuicer · 04/06/2018 13:11

DP and I are expecting our first child in a few months. We were planning to get married sometime next year but I happened to fall pregnant unexpectedly.

I don't have UK citizenship and don't feel comfortable giving our child his last name until we're married. He's a bit upset by this; said we could just get married before the baby arrives so we would both have his name and it'd save us the hassle of changing it later on. I told him I'd like a proper wedding and that I don't want to marry him just for the sake of convenience of not having to change DC's name in a year.

I'm worried he'll get upset by this when the baby is here - and I am not sure if AIBU as we are planning to get married?

If he gets very annoyed by this, can I registrer a birth using my name without him agreeing to it - even if that feels horribly wrong? So lost.

OP posts:
TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/06/2018 13:37

Someone has probably said this already but why not give your DC your name then DP can change his name to this same as yours and that of his child on marriage? Seems much simpler.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:39

Teatimeforthesoul yes that would make the most sense wouldn’t it but I think we all know most men would not accept this and I think we all know why.

megletthesecond · 04/06/2018 13:40

Use your surname.
I speak from bitter experience and someone whose dc's have their fathers name. I wasn't allowed to double barrel it either.

BlueBug45 · 04/06/2018 13:41

@SlothSlothSloth worth suggesting it though. If it is such a big problem for him then he can change his name.

LiteratureAbsorption · 04/06/2018 13:41

I know several people who have done this. Marry whilst pregnant at a civil service with just parents and best man/maid of honour present.
Few months - year later have a blessing in church and the party and all that goes with it.

BlueBug45 · 04/06/2018 13:42

@megletthesecond guess you aren't in the UK then, as you don't have to tell the father you are registering the birth.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 04/06/2018 13:42

Why Sloth?

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:42

teatime yes I definitely agree it’s worth suggesting and a very good idea!

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:43

Sorry bluebug not teatime. But the idea is teatimes and a good one.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/06/2018 13:43

'Teatimeforthesoul yes that would make the most sense wouldn’t it but I think we all know most men would not accept this and I think we all know why.'

What are you referring to? 'Tradition'? Sexism? Fears about it appearing as if the baby isn't his Hmm? I don't see why any of those ridiculous 'reasons' should take precedence in a decision like this. I'd feel a bit differently about a man who was 'sulking' because I was considering giving my child my own surname. Why should his name automatically take priority?

Amatullah · 04/06/2018 13:45

What about baby have both your surnames? You both seem to be very invested in baby having your own name then why not comprimise.

Wheelerdeeler · 04/06/2018 13:47

Give your child both

Donald Obama trump

No hyphenation so you can drop one surname later

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/06/2018 13:47

I’d get married now but not give the baby the surname! Or at least have an equal discussion about it.

Shoxfordian · 04/06/2018 13:48

Yeah you could double barrel your names for the baby. I wouldn't ever give my child it's fathers name if we weren't married so I think you're right not to.

BestZebbie · 04/06/2018 13:49

Apart from anything else, if you are planning to marry shortly anyway, you may benefit from having your DP as your legal next of kin in case of any medical issues during the birth.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 13:51

Teatime - Because of the absolute entitlement most men show when it comes to a child's surname.

Won't marry? Child should still have MYYYYYYY surname.

Not been together even that long, maybe not even living together, goes without saying who'll be doing 90%of the heavy lifting regarding said child? Child should still have MYYYYYY surname!

Buggers off, fails to pay maintenance, no fucking support at all? Change child's surname to mums - ARE YOU BLOODY MAD?

JessicaJonesJacket · 04/06/2018 13:52

Don't give your DC his name if you're not married.
However, I'd look into the legal benefits of getting married and how it affects citizenship, etc, with regards to protecting your DC. If marriage would put you in a stronger position, then I'd get married before DC arrived rather than wait to have a 'big' wedding.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:52

teatime it’s because most men don’t really view the name change thing as an equal deal. Of course not ALL men and I know men not like this myself, but the vast majority find it important for their wife to take their name but would feel emasculated to have to take hers.

People mask it by saying they’re traditional etc but the tradition is clearly rooted in it being acceptable/expected for women to give up their identity for a man but the reserve being unacceptable.

Sorry, that was long - the summarised answer is: sexism.

And just to add - no judgement to those women who do take their husbands name and I understand why some people want to. Its men who think this way that I’m critical of.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 13:55

Yes all through the UK, if you are not married then registering the baby is your business.

Not your boyfriend's.

I'll say it again - there's no reason his surname should take precedence.
As you are not married, tradition is that it's your surname.
I would be thinking twice about a man sulking because he doesn't like the fact that is isn't an absolute given that his surname shoudl take priority for no fucking reason at all other than plain old sexism.

BertrandRussell · 04/06/2018 13:55

Why are you assuming that you and the baby will have your partner’s name when you get married?

SlothSlothSloth · 04/06/2018 13:55

AnElderlyLady I agree. Though of course we don’t know anything about the OP’s partner and he could surprisingly be fine with the suggestion. I was just generalising about the way most men feel about these things but I agree it’s sexist and also just silly.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2018 13:57

OP, how long have you been together?

Pa1oma · 04/06/2018 13:59

OP, I can understand why you don't feel up to a wedding at 30 weeks pregnant! However, I can inderstand things from his point of view too. If you were going to take his name when you get married anyway, then I would just give the baby that name when he/she is born. It seems a hassle to change the baby's surname next year or something. Otherwise, why not give both names?

Original poster
applejuicer · 04/06/2018 13:59

FizzyGreenWater thanks for the help and clearing that up for me. We've been together 3 years. I've been in the UK for 2. We've no official arrangements or anything, just been loosely planning to get married 'perhaps next year'. He is very attached to his surname and would never give it up.

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 04/06/2018 14:01

It wouldn't be a terrible idea to get married quickly and quietly in the town hall now, have baby and register him/her with your now-joint surname, and then have the "wedding" later on at your leisure - this might be a church blessing or wild wood handfasting or other ceremony, followed by huge pissup/disco/fireworks etc.

Alternatively one of my friends changed her name by deedpoll eg from Jane Smith to Jane Thompson so her DC were Thompson like her and her DP, and then when she and DP got married her legal status changed but her name didn't.

It's a GOOD sign that he wants to get married soonest, by the way, so I think you should at least consider it.