Dh and female colleague

[Onemoresadsong]

Ok so I’m pretty sure I Aibu unreasonable to be obsessing over this but interested to know how others would feel.

Dh just started a new job and is working very closely with a woman who I’m not sure about. After meeting her I really liked her and thought she was lovely but some of the things she talks to him about seem really odd. A few examples

• she asked him how good our relationship was and said most men in their office slag their wives off and she said it probably wouldn’t be long before he was doing the same about me
• she told him her DH gets jealous of all the attention she gets when they go to bars/clubs because of how attractive she is. She then started reading off stories of specific times this had happened

-she said quite a few men in the office have a thing for her and she was even told by a newly engaged colleague of theirs that she is the most beautiful woman in the office.

• she opened up about a previous marriage failing and how she’s worried the one she’s in will too as she gets tempted easily.

I’m not usually a jealous person but I’m a little rattled by these conversations. Its Just not the sort of conversation I would crack out at work let alone with a new colleague that I had only known a few months. I’m just wondering if her intentions are just to get a bit of attention or if it’s something a bit more sinister than that?

Aibu and over thinking this or would you be concerned? I’m quite an insecure person (which I’m working on at the moment) so I’m wondering if this is causing me to think about it more than I should be....

I’m not standing for it. He knows it’s unacceptable. Most importantly because he said he’d feed dc and just forgot about it so he could have chit chat with someone but also because he already knows I feel shit about how much attention she’s given him. IF this happens again or anything similar I’ll need to think about what to do next. I asked him how he’d feel the other way round and he admitted same as me and apologised.

I did comment that she should spend time after work with her husband when she gets home (they’re not long married) but DH thinks they’re both workaholics (not that this was directly work related), don’t see much of each other and her DH works late. I now feel like she’s not getting the attention she wants at home and is trying to find it elsewhere.

that's exactly what it sounds like. You need to ask your DH to miss calls from her after work - if there's an emergency, generally there is a proper protocol defined for that or if you check your email before calling back, if something is important there is typically a flurry of emails on the same thing too.

Time when the children are awake should be ringfenced, if I have work to catch up, I and most parents do it after their bedtime unless it's an emergency.

I agree he's in a new job and a tough situation, but there are ways to enforce boundaries without being blunt or having anything out.

He needs to, because this person very obviously has poor boundaries and her work is her whole life.

OP -- it must have been totally infuriating for you that he stayed on the phone with this colleague instead of feeling his child as agreed.

I imagine he must have felt a little trapped, though, if she called him and them was talking at him, given that she is senior to your DH and can influence his career. In fact, if genders were reversed (i.e if it were a male boss in the evening calling his female subordinate during mealtime, who also talks about how many women want to sleep with him, how he gives in easily to temptation, etc.), that would quickly be described as borderline sexual harassment, would it not? I think that this is also on that borderline.

My gut feel: if you can find it in yourself to tell him how much you appreciate that he's honest and transparent with you about this colleague, that he comes home early to be with his family, that you're sorry for blowing up at him about this incident which made you feel disappointed and worried, and that you understand how hard it must be for him to push back against someone senior who can influence his career -- then this might help him to feel valued and also to make the right decisions. Also he should probably start to journal any further in appropriate behaviour on this colleague's part in case something bad enough happens for him to want to bring this up with someone in HR or someone more senior than she is.

sorry ... I obviously meant feeding his child

That’s ok Yankee - I read it as feeding

He’s just text me which has made me feel a bit better. He’s excited about a project he’s doing at the moment and even though things were still a bit frosty this morning he’s just text me a few pictures as he’s pleased it’s going well. He then added in another text that he’s sorry about last night, he hates arguing and is feeling shitty about it today.

He very rarely texts me at work unless it’s about something practical. He also doesn’t really talk much about feelings even with me so I’m glad he’s thinking of me and trying to make me feel better.