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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh and female colleague

80 replies

Onemoresadsong · 04/06/2018 12:50

Ok so I’m pretty sure I Aibu unreasonable to be obsessing over this but interested to know how others would feel.

Dh just started a new job and is working very closely with a woman who I’m not sure about. After meeting her I really liked her and thought she was lovely but some of the things she talks to him about seem really odd. A few examples

  • she asked him how good our relationship was and said most men in their office slag their wives off and she said it probably wouldn’t be long before he was doing the same about me
  • she told him her DH gets jealous of all the attention she gets when they go to bars/clubs because of how attractive she is. She then started reading off stories of specific times this had happened
-she said quite a few men in the office have a thing for her and she was even told by a newly engaged colleague of theirs that she is the most beautiful woman in the office.
  • she opened up about a previous marriage failing and how she’s worried the one she’s in will too as she gets tempted easily.

I’m not usually a jealous person but I’m a little rattled by these conversations. Its Just not the sort of conversation I would crack out at work let alone with a new colleague that I had only known a few months. I’m just wondering if her intentions are just to get a bit of attention or if it’s something a bit more sinister than that?

Aibu and over thinking this or would you be concerned? I’m quite an insecure person (which I’m working on at the moment) so I’m wondering if this is causing me to think about it more than I should be....

OP posts:
Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 04/06/2018 14:07

I think she gets on well with females. The other girl he works closely with is a little younger than them and apparantly idolises her. DH says she looks up to her and they’re close. He also said the women in his office go out together quite a lot but that she seems to have established herself as the alpha female. The only reason this came up in conversation is because he was comparing this work place to his previous one which was mainly Middle Aged/older men with a handful of women in admin roles (very sexist dated place to work). His new job has a much more even balance gender wise.

OP posts:
cornishstripes · 04/06/2018 14:09

there's a big difference between reporting the boasts of this woman, and him saying complimentary things about her. He's doing the former, not the latter. I don't think I'd be worried, she's self reporting that she's hot stuff and in fact, she sounds slightly deluded or nuts, if I were a single man, I'd be steering well clear.

Littletinyraindrops · 04/06/2018 14:14

Well she's a dog whistle if I've ever heard of one.

She must either have very low self esteem, or fancy the pants off your partner to bring all of this up.

Ultimately if you trust you DH don't worry about her.

Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 04/06/2018 14:21

My problem is I do worry. I try to be rational and not let things get to me but it eats me up inside. I know this is my problem though and I need to find a way of toughening up. People who do this never think how what they say can hurt other people...or they do and don’t care.

I would definitely love to think of a way of subtly letting me know that DH has told me about their conversations though. I would bet good money that she thinks he wouldn’t tell me as much as he has.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 04/06/2018 14:22

*letting her know

OP posts:
postcardsfrom · 04/06/2018 14:25

She sounds incredibly insecure. Is your DH attracted to insecure women usually?

postcardsfrom · 04/06/2018 14:25

As in flattered by it? If not don’t worry about it ...

Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 04/06/2018 14:25

Postcards - well he’s attracted to me and I am....

OP posts:
cornishstripes · 04/06/2018 14:28

i can't think of a single instance of man being attracted to someone who's always telling everyone how attractive they are - is she Jordan? Laugh it off, honestly. I'm insecure, but i know my DH would never go for a woman with this level of conceit.

BadTasteFlump · 04/06/2018 14:30

One I'm sure there's more to you than your insecurity Smile

My gut feeling is that you have nothing to worry about. Try to turn it around on yourself - your DH is a bit of a catch, meaning daft women hit on him despite him being married. But he's married to you, which means you are also, by definition, a catch Smile.

I know it's not that easy, but the facts are there.

Littletinyraindrops · 04/06/2018 14:39

Hmm maybe when you see her next just say something along the lines of "DH was telling me what you said about all those guys hitting on you in the office, you must get so fed up of it all! It's quite inappropriate isn't it? Not to mention the time when they... and you..." that sort of thing.

That way you can let her know that he shares his work life with you, and possibly make her look a bit daft.

Personally, I'd just leave it and just laugh about how petty and dramatic she is with you husband when yet another story arises.

Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 05/06/2018 21:49

I’m so wound up. Tonight DH came home and I was feeding the baby and asked if he’d mind heating up food and feeding the toddler. DH said yes so I put toddler in the high chair and carried on feeding the baby. 15 minutes later I realised toddler was still there getting agitated waiting for food so went to see what happened to DH. He was on his phone in our bedroom so I got the food ready. An hour and a half later he finally got off the phone. He’s never that long on the phone - it was his work colleague. I asked what the hell they’d been talking about for that long that was so important he’d forgotten to get dinner for our DC and he said it was work stuff. He then admitted it was more gossipy chat about office politics and a few recent fall outs that had gone on. It was mainly her talking at him but it’s made me so angry that he’s let her go on and on and not said it can wait until tomorrow. He would have been so angry at me for doing that and he’s spent all day in the office with her and will spend all day tomorrow. He’s in the shower and his phone keeps buzzing with messages from her. I really don’t like this one bit.

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 05/06/2018 23:26

Not surprised you're wound up - that is really crappy behaviour from him and kind of puts the whole situation in a different light Sad

Up until your last post it seemed that your DH was very much the innocent party in contrast to this woman. But going off and having long phone calls with her after work and the constant messaging? Not on, at all, imo. If it genuinely is her pushing it and he just doesn't know how to deal with it, he needs to grow a pair, put some boundaries in place and not allow her to overstep them any more. I hope that's all it is Flowers.

Have you spoken to him about it tonight? I would tell him how much tonight has upset you - that up until now you had his back and trusted him. But now you're wondering wtf is actually going on. If he's innocent in all this he'll be falling over backwards to show you he is. I hope that's the way it is anyway.

TeasndToast · 06/06/2018 07:18

Alarm bells and red flags all over this one OP, sorry.

ThenCameTheFools · 06/06/2018 07:27

If it was work stuff he wouldn't have needed to leave the toddler and go hide in your bedroom.

As I said the other day, he's really not disliking this is he?

Littletinyraindrops · 06/06/2018 07:35

From your last post something is definitely wrong, I'd be having quite strong words with him. These aren't the actions of an innocent person.

Collaborate · 06/06/2018 07:39

OP - this is sadly what happens when you start a thread in AIBU and are inundated with posters who seem to pleasure in imagining the worst and ramping up your insecurity. You know your husband best. He's aware that this woman makes you feel insecure. She's more senior than him. He's in a new job. She's not come on to him. He has to work with her. You can't expect him to offend her.

maymai · 06/06/2018 07:41

Well work and her are more important than the dc so he needs to sort himself out. Can you read texts or is his phone passworded? Personally I'd be having a word with her husband ASAP.

Sweetpea55 · 06/06/2018 07:45

She sounds like she really loves herself..Do you think she is beautiful op?

Original poster
Onemoresadsong · 06/06/2018 08:00

Do I think she’s beautiful? Honestly...pretty yes but not beautiful. I think she just has confidence which can sometimes do a lot for a person.

Collaborate yes I know this I I get that puts him in an awkward position but an hour and a half talking about self confessed gossip? He could easily have said sorry I need to feed my child we’ll catch up tomorrow.

The texts that were buzzing up on the phone we’re innocent - chat about meeting times and logistics of have to get to them. He’s not remotely private about his phone so I’m not concerned that there are dodgy texts on there. He’s quite an abrupt to the point texter.

We ended up having a bit of a row yesterday anyway. Massively regret that. He apologised but the damage was already done as I was posed off by this point

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 06/06/2018 08:15

Putting chatting with her above feeding DC is unacceptable in a way I can’t even describe

Littletinyraindrops · 06/06/2018 08:30

Collaborate -

Yes I imagine this sort of thing with people saying he's being unfaithful is horrible to hear, and I for one didn't and don't think it's the case, but having a new job is no excuse to go and hide away in the bedroom.
If it's important then she'd message, just like she did after that. No need for a private phone call when you're supposed to be feeding your toddler.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/06/2018 09:06

Well, sometimes a good row can be cathartic. Maybe what you’ve done here is give him a big hoof in the arse to say “UNACCEPTABLE” if he’s basically putting her needs above those of your family; her need for a chinwag ought never to trump your need for his involvement with teatime for example!

The proof may be in what happens next. If it happens again then you have a problem. Sounds like she has an issue with boundaries but the only person who can put her straight is your DH.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 06/06/2018 09:18

I’m kinda agog tbh that he’d choose sitting and messaging/talking to his coworker over feeding his child. Unless it’s his actual boss calling with an emergency, once he’s at home he should be off duty re coworkers, not available 24/7 to chit chat about all sorts.

I wouldn’t stand for it if it was my partner coming home and then sitting and talking to a colleague for ninety whole minutes about this and that, either it’s an emergency and he could sort it out quickly then say goodbye or it’s a social call. He and this woman have now turned their working relationship personal and consider one another to be friends.

greenvalleys · 06/06/2018 09:28

She's obviously not at all confident about her looks or she wouldn't see the need to constantly bull herself up. Why would she need to. She sounds a total dick tbh, it's like she wants to be told how beautiful she is, even though she isn't. Your dh shouldn't be giving her the time of day, It's not his job to boost her silly little ego..

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