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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When people try and step in... Toddler tantrums

60 replies

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 12:40

Why do people have to help, I've shouted at an elderly man and now I feel guilty

Long story short popped to the shops after nursery with dd who chose a little something as a treat and then started to misbehave so treat was removed and we left.

Once outside she threw a tantrum which I was attempting to deal with out giving in to dd who at this point was lying on the floor screaming

An elderly man thought it would be a good idea to try and assist by telling my dd that mummy would take her to another shop and buy her some sweets to cheer her up.

I asked him if he'd mind leaving me to deal with dd as shes been removed from the shop of misbehaving and had a treat removed and that is why she was tantruming and I will not be rewarding this behaviour

So then I got more parenting advice about how I couldn't leave dd in that state she was crying, wailing rolling around refusing to get up, you know the usual and that I should just give her what she wants to make her happy

And that point I shouted at the man and told him to mind his own business

Aibu to think that unless your supporting the parent during a tantrum you mind your own business!

OP posts:

Mammalamb · 04/06/2018 12:41

Yanbu

frenchknitting · 04/06/2018 13:00

I was going to say YABU - nothing snapped my DS out of a tantrum faster than being spoken to by a stranger. That guy sounds annoying though, not remotely helpful.

Shoutylady · 04/06/2018 13:01

I’ve had similar where a woman gave mine a toy despite the fact he was throwing a total strop because I wouldn’t let him run into the road and she said it was because I clearly couldn’t cope..people need to fuck off quite frankly.

BasilFaulty · 04/06/2018 13:02

I was also going to say YABU but he sounds like a fool of a tooke.
Asking if you wanted help or if there's anything he can do is one thing, but not directly telling DD she can go back to the shop ffs

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 04/06/2018 13:05

YANBU in that the guy was annoying

YABVU in shouting at him.

I’m in the thick of the tantrum stage, DD is extremely stubborn and when it all kicks off she will lie down wherever however and whenever.

I have had to deal with the well meaning wan smiles and there there of passers by, and the shitty passing comments of ratbags who’ve evidently forgotten or never had to deal with the forceful rage of a tantrumming infant.

The only response ever in this scenario is “I’m ok, getting there, I’m on it” and just don’t make anymore eye contact.

As a PP said some toddlers are responsive to a stranger’s words; mine usually is. But as much as the temptation is to shout “do one” 99% of the time the intervention is well meant if not mostly misguided.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:09

Paulhollywood- I don't normally shout at strangers in the street and I feel awful he seemed to be enjoying himself in making it worse and whilst I'm sure that's not the case in the throws of a public tantrum I lost my cool with him!

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 04/06/2018 13:11

Yanbu. However it's part of the human condition to stop small children from crying and some people obviously find it more difficult to resist that urge than others. I'm not excusing him though.

Fatted · 04/06/2018 13:13

YANBU. I hate people intervening when my kids are having tantrums. You don't need to shout at people, a polite but firm 'I've got this under control thank you' usually suffices.

When my kids tried to do the rolling on the floor, I either just walked away and left them or pick them up, throw them over my shoulder and carry them off without saying anything.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:16

I shouted on the second request for him to leave me to it I was polite initially.

Fatted- I couldn't get near her she was like a mad octopus, generally I go with when you feel you're ready to we're going to get up and go home then she fizzles out after a bit, if I keep talking to her or people try and calm her down it's like poking a bear

OP posts:

kaytee87 · 04/06/2018 13:20

Anyway don't worry about it op, you probably won't see the guy again.
Solidarity for the tantrums btw, I have a toddler too. They're so strong willed! My mum thinks it's a survival instinct

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:22

Kaytee - if its a survival instinct my dd is going to live for ever

OP posts:

Jimdandy · 04/06/2018 13:24

That would annoy me that he tried to interfere.

I think it’s admirable you persevered with the tantrum and didn’t give in.

I think there’s a huge lack of diciplinne now, and a lot of kids run riot and the parents are too embarrassed to let them tantrum so they give in creating a bigger issue in the long run.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:39

Jim- thank you that's really lovely.

OP posts:

Hortonlovesahoo · 04/06/2018 13:42

I tend to do the “hunger games salute” to any mum I see handling a tantrum. Full respect to them for dealing with it and handling it

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 04/06/2018 13:43

he seemed to be enjoying himself in making it worse

Well good on you for not telling him to fuck off!

MikeUniformMike · 04/06/2018 13:45

I was in a discount supermarket at the weekend. There was a family there - a mum, toddler, and grandparents. Toddler bit the mum, granny opened a packet of sweets and fed them to the toddler.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:46

not in front of the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 13:47

Mike- hell no not in my house, even with mils best efforts

OP posts:

MikeUniformMike · 04/06/2018 13:48

Good! It was like she was training her granddaughter to bite for treats.

theymademejoin · 04/06/2018 13:51

One of mine calmed down much quicker if I left him to get on with it. Another calmed down much quicker if I spoke calmly about the issue. The third was somewhere in the middle.

People telling you how best to deal with a tantrum are really irritating. Even if they have dealt with it with their own children, they have no clue what works best for your child.

The most I have ever said to a parent dealing with a tantrum is a vaguely sympathetic murmur about how I've been there and I sympathise.

OK, maybe you shouldn't have shouted at him but you'd have needed an awful lot of patience not to. And given the amount of patience you were using up dealing with your child, you understandably had none left over for him.

Littletinyraindrops · 04/06/2018 13:52

I guess it depends but in your scenario I'd be throughly pissed off too.

FI...My little girl was being made to sit with DH yesterday whilst I had an eye test and she wasn't very happy about it all.
She's a live wire, easily bored and just wants to explore everything, but it was busy in the store and he didn't want her getting hurt or in other people's way. As a consequence she was asked to stay put and he sat her on his lap.

One of the advisors came over whilst she was having an almighty tantrum, in talking screaming, flailing and DH getting a bit embarrassed, and produced some stickers and made a big fuss of them.
She then helped to stick them on DDs teddy and DD completely stopped, smiled, and happily played.
DH was very grateful as was I.

OneStepSideways · 04/06/2018 13:59

I think you were wrong to shout at him. A simple 'thanks but she's misbehaving so no sweets today' with a smile would have been enough. I'm sure he thought he was helping.

Dealing with other people's reactions to tantrums is part of being out with a toddler. You need to adapt to the environment to some extent, like carry them to a quiet area where people are less inclined to intervene (or trip over them).

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/06/2018 14:04

There’s an annoying couple who frequent a shopping centre I use. They love children. They made my baby cry by fussing over her and her sister when I was helping DS(4) even though I told them she was shy and upset. They just laughed at how cute it was.

A few months later DS saw a sign in the same shopping centre that really scared him. He tried to be brave walking past it but then he just broke down sobbing. I was giving him a cuddle and the male part of the couple came up and said to DS “we can’t always have everything we want”. How irritating. I said, “he doesn’t want anything, he’ll be ok in a minute”. Woman says, “I’ll just pop into the shop and get him a piece of fruit, he’s probably hungry”. Me through gritted teeth: “Thank you but no, he’s scared of something. He will be ok”. They stood there muttering to him and upsetting him more for a while then eventually wandered off. I know they’re trying to be helpful but FFS. Mums with young children aren’t feckless idiots who need the advice of their elders. Needs a piece of fruit...

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 14:09

One step - I explained the first time to him whilst she was tantruming but he continued to offer advice and I lost my cool, it's not normal behaviour for me to shout at strangers and I'm not proud of it but I feel my first response to the well meaning gentleman should have been his cue to leave us alone

I couldn't move her with out flaming the tantrum she was like a crazed octopus

OP posts:

Passmethecrisps · 04/06/2018 14:09

He does sound very annoying. So YANBU.

However, I do think most people just want to help. I remember once interfering with a tantrum and it was only later than I realised how pissed off the Mum must have been.

I am a secondary teacher and I was at parents evening. There was a Mum there for her teenage son and a wee girl who was maybe 4. The wee girl was very restless (it is a long and boring night or traipsing corridors and sitting waiting) and in entertaining herself picked a piece of chewing gum off of a chair and started to eat it. The Mum was absolutely furious, removed the guy and gave the girl a big telling off. The girl then responded by rolling around on the floor crying. I missed why she was crying but I saw a girl who was likely bored and probably should have been in bed (not a criticism) and was causing an issue as parents had to step over her. so I have her some felt tips and paper and asks her to draw me a picture.

The Mum explained why she was crying and told me to ignore her. I didn’t and have her the pens. I wasn’t intentionally being an arse and genuinely didn’t think until later what a twat I probably came over as. So, chewing gum Mum, if you are reading this I am sorry for being an arse

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