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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When people try and step in... Toddler tantrums

60 replies

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 12:40

Why do people have to help, I've shouted at an elderly man and now I feel guilty

Long story short popped to the shops after nursery with dd who chose a little something as a treat and then started to misbehave so treat was removed and we left.

Once outside she threw a tantrum which I was attempting to deal with out giving in to dd who at this point was lying on the floor screaming

An elderly man thought it would be a good idea to try and assist by telling my dd that mummy would take her to another shop and buy her some sweets to cheer her up.

I asked him if he'd mind leaving me to deal with dd as shes been removed from the shop of misbehaving and had a treat removed and that is why she was tantruming and I will not be rewarding this behaviour

So then I got more parenting advice about how I couldn't leave dd in that state she was crying, wailing rolling around refusing to get up, you know the usual and that I should just give her what she wants to make her happy

And that point I shouted at the man and told him to mind his own business

Aibu to think that unless your supporting the parent during a tantrum you mind your own business!

OP posts:

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 14:10

I was just about to say that- does this couple live at the shopping centre

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 04/06/2018 14:10

I once had a woman (staff) in Marks and Spencer plant herself in the way of my buggy as I was trying to leave with a yelling toddler and start admonishing my DD.

I gave her short shrift and moved round her...we were leaving FFS! Who was she to stop me?

She then screeched with a weird laughter...embarrassment probably...which I also commented on "Why are you making that ridiculous noise?"

Silly cow.

YANBU

mancmummy1414 · 04/06/2018 14:12

A piece of fruit
If someone gave my vitamin-averse tantruming DS a piece of fruit he would definitely throw it at them.
Also hate interfering strangers, an old woman told me off for telling my DS to stop tantruming; she tutted at me and went ‘(eyeroll) he’s only a baby!’ The woman who was with me who at the time I only knew from playgroup, said ‘mind your own, he’s actually 2 and a half and you’ve only seen a snapshot of his behaviour, his mother has had about three hours sleep in the last fortnight and your comments are extremely unhelpful’
We became best friends after that and are now inseparable, along with our (adorable and slightly less tantrum prone) children.
and for you OP.

PoloStar · 04/06/2018 14:14

My DB had a tantruming 4 yr old in the supermarket - he flung himself on the floor and was yelling "it's not fair!" at the top of his voice. My DB flung himself to the floor and copied him - child stopped dead in horror and said "you can't do that!!" - and DB said that's what you were doing..... he never did it again!

When I had the screaming abdabs as a child, my DM would put me in an another room and close the door. As soon as I wasn't getting any attention, I would stop, and come out quietly......

Tinkobell · 04/06/2018 14:15

How odd? Most people run a mile at toddler tantrums! Can't understand why anyone would want to get involved!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/06/2018 14:17

I've heard many people mutter or say out loud that the child needed "A bloody good slap"

Good job its not your child then, I think

Jammycustard · 04/06/2018 14:18

YANBU. Why should you be polite to someone you’ve already asked once to stop with the bollocks advice?! Don’t feel bad, forget about it. I’m heavily pregnanct and in a lot of pain. Last week I was at the train station and waddling along. A woman with a questionnaire tried to block me and asked if I could help, I said ‘no sorry, I’m going for a train’, she then continued to block me and said ‘oh, you can’t be bothered?’ in a right patronising tone. I actually raised my voice to her to say ‘I’ve already said, no!’ I couldn’t believe the nerve of her.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/06/2018 14:19

does this couple live at the shopping centre

It feels like it. The first time I met them (when she made DT2 cry) she told me she was a retired child health visitor. She quizzed me about whether I was breastfeeding them and asked how they were sleeping. I made polite conversation (like I have nothing better to do at the supermarket with 3 under 5). I said DTs were still up at night for feeds but settled easily. She said very seriously, “you know it’s not always milk they want. Sometimes they want a cuddle or could be unwell”. Wow, such incredibly helpful advice. Who else could have thought of such things?

blacklister · 04/06/2018 14:22

@Hortonlovesahoo Me too with the hunger games salute! And then thank my lucky stars that (for once) it's not my toddler throwing a wobbler!

OP I'd have told him to sod off too. My DM does this all the time when my two year old kicks off. 'Oh, you can't leave her to cry like that, she's so upset'. No Mum, she's misbehaving and is only cross because I've said no to (insert unsuitable thing here). She's not hurt, or sad she's having a tantrum. Shut up! Funny how when it was me throwing tantrums she wasn't so soft!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/06/2018 14:24

It’s actually really nice to find a thread on MN where no one is claiming their own perfect child absolutely never had one single tantrum because they are just such a perfect parent. Am I the only one who finds kids tantrums cute? Other people’s kids obviously. I guess it reminds me how soon this stage of having tiny kids will be over.

WhingyNinja · 04/06/2018 14:26

YANBU. Also, solidarity!!

My friend's daughter was throwing a wobbly earlier and in the end was hoisted up and carried surfboard style to the exit. I didn't get involved, I just grabbed her buggy with mine and walked alongside them 😆

TheAntiBoop · 04/06/2018 14:31

It's so annoying. I remember being out with ds and he had a tantrum because he wanted to have sushi for lunch (so MC).

A mum sent her kid over with a carton of juice for him. I look up and she's about 10m away smiling indulgently as her ds thrusts this carton of juice in my sons face and my son is just giving a look of 'wtf? I want a cucumber maki not a juice' so I then have to try and kindly get this kid to go back to his mum with the juice. But the kid isn't having it - won't give the juice to me and my ds won't take it and is getting increasingly irritated. So I have to shout over to the mum who is then most offended because 'he only wanted to help'. Well thank you but it's not!!!

Aargh, even 8 years later it annoys me!!!

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 14:32

I was just- it is lovely and cute? Nope I veer between a hunger games salute and offering the parent alcohol

OP posts:

Bumchin101 · 04/06/2018 14:36

Sorry but the love expression 'crazed octopus'

YNBU I would have lost it a little if someone was trying to undermine me in front of my son. I get odd looks all the time when my 4yr old is throwing a tantrum and I just leave him to it. I remember dragging him out of the toy shop once because he was misbehaving so much, he was screaming across the car park and the amount of disapproving looks I got was awkward but I refused to give in to him.

beetfarmer · 04/06/2018 14:36

I was once out with my son who was tantrumming and I was ignoring it. He was in his stroller having a wobbly over something he wanted, probably a sweet. An old lady came over and tutted and says 'oh wipe his wee tears' and mops his face with her hanky. I was . She made me feel like a monster!

RadioDorothy · 04/06/2018 14:43

My DSC are all grown up, but I just wanted to say that when I see any parent dealing with an epic tantrum I have the utmost respect and admiration. I always want to give a sympathetic smile as if to say, you're doing a billion times better than I ever could, don't worry what people may or may be thinking - but I realise that could look patronising so I generally do nothing and pass on by pretending they are invisible. I assume you prefer that to the glares.

I would never in a million years try to speak, let alone intervene, so YANBU. There's a time and a place and that wasn't either.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 14:44

Bumchin - don't be sorry I like it too it's a very good description of my dd in the midst of a tantrum.

She less impressed now as she's had to help me load the washing machine to wash the polo shirt and shorts she got filthy rolling around and it's eaten into her TV time.

OP posts:

cornishstripes · 04/06/2018 14:45

i remember my elder dd could throw a mean tantrum - rigid, face down on the floor, screaming. Nothing calmed her down, she had to burn through it. I remember her doing it at a leisure centre, and some middle aged woman looking at me like I was the worst mum in the world (she really was giving me evils). People can be such gits.

I don't know why this man thought he had the answer - everyone knows that you decide on a strategy, none of them really work, you wait it out and they eventually grow up!

LionAllMessy · 04/06/2018 14:48

Our 18-month-old DS has started doing the lie-down-kicking-and-screaming thing in the last few weeks. For ridiculous things like we won't let him play with the bread knife.

Are you lot telling me this is going to continue until he's at least 3???

Amatullah · 04/06/2018 14:51

Haha crazed octopus!!!

Sorry op sounds rough but it shall pass..

I wouldnt have shouted but i wouldve told him to get lost in the nicest way possible as he was not helping the situation at all.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 14:52

Lion - my dd is 3 yrs 9 months BUT this has only really just started in the last 9 months

OP posts:

countrybump · 04/06/2018 15:10

I found having a tantruming child out in public one of the most stressful things about parenting a toddler and I would definitely not have appreciated someone trying to intervene and reward the behaviour t all!

I remember once though, out at a visitor attraction with my DC aged 2 and 5, my 2yo started throwing a huge tantrum because I wouldn't let her wee on the artificial grass but took her to the toilet (just to add - at no other point in her life had she wanted to wee on the grass so it wasn't as if I was changing the routine or anything!!).

It was a hot day, I was at the end of a week holiday on my own with both DC and the weather had been unbearably hot. None of us had had much sleep and this tantrum was awful. I ended up sitting on some steps with my 5yo while the 2yo screamed and screamed and rolled around in front of me.

At that moment a bus full of people pulled up and witnessed the tantrum and me apparently not being able to 'control my child'.

An older lady came over and sat down next to me, popped her arm around my shoulders and whispered: "It's hard being a mum and feeling like everyone is looking at you, but they're all probably remembering their own years with little ones. Is she hot and tired? Mine were awful when they got tired too. But, she won't remember a thing of it and it will pass."

I still remember her kindness and actually, it helped in that moment to feel like I wasn't alone! She was right too - my DD can't remember her epic tantrums and looking at her now I can't believe she could ever have behaved like that!

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 15:11

Country- that would have made me cry

OP posts:

GrannyGrissle · 04/06/2018 15:12

YANBU. He was lucky you didn't give him a Glasgow kiss for good measure.

Original poster

Nicpem1982 · 04/06/2018 15:16

Glasgow kiss????

OP posts:

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