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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to cancel a day out?

98 replies

Mailfuckoff · 04/06/2018 10:14

Dc have an incet day today. Dh and I are both off so we planned a day at the beach. So we've done a picnic etc. Just driving from the house and DT (8) says he wished I'd gone to work because I'm mean. So I turned the car round and we're back in the house. I'm fuming at how ungrateful he is that we want to spend time with him doing nice things. But now the whole day is spoiled

OP posts:

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 10:35

I know I'm wrong but I'm on the edge here wondering why I'm bothering working all the hours I can, plus organising all their activities and balancing everything else and nothing is appreciated at all.

I know how you feel but I think all kids tend to just take for granted what they have. They really have no idea the work that goes into providing them with their lifestyle. I think you need to work out if you're over stretching yourself. Think about what you're happy to do (how many activities you really have time to ferry them to etc.) and accept in advance that at this age they may not appreciate al you do.

montenotte · 04/06/2018 10:38

I do get it though - it can be relentless and feel pointless a lot of the time.
Did you actually want to go to the beach? Or are you fed up of the kids after half term... i know i was happy to see the back of them this morning!

It's normal to feel taken for granted, sit them down and have a calm talk. Then if everyone wants to go, off you go.

Mousefunky · 04/06/2018 10:38

You overreacted. Kids say this kind of shit and I don’t think they have the slightest understanding of the words they are using, it’s just something to say. When my DC say it I always respond sarcastically along the lines of “oh yes I am SO mean taking you on this lovely day out, buying you x and x, what a horrible Mother I am.” It shuts them up.

JaniceBattersby · 04/06/2018 10:41

One of the best bits of parenting advice I’ve been given is always to de-escalate. You’re the parent, it’s your job to model controlled and calm behaviour. It’s really works on my very screechy, moany boys. My stock answer is to say that’s sad or nasty or mean or horrid, can you apologise please, then move on.

MadMags · 04/06/2018 10:42

While you’re DH is out, give DT a good talking to.

Why does he think you’re mean? Chat it over and tell him you won’t be disrespected.

Then put it to bed and enjoy your time at the beach.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 10:42

DT is still not sorry and blaming me

Sorry but you have a MUCH BIGGER problem than going to the beach.
An 8yo telling you your are just mean? And then not just refusing to apologise but BLAMING you??

Is that a pattern that he can see in your DH? As in his father is often telling you you are mean/working/hard work and then make it it’s all your fault?

You really need to take the role of a parent again. And your DT needs to learn to act as a child rather than thinking he can be the adult there.

I have to say my answer to that is normally something along the lines of ‘well I think the right answer is ‘I’m actually really lucky that mummy and daddy have a day off and can take me to the beach’.
But then they wouldn’t have talked to me in that way either (the blaming side of things)

Tambien · 04/06/2018 10:48

Btw I think that, sometimes, you still need to actually follow up.
If you say that’s enough, we’ll go back home now. Then it’s a shame for the other child, but I will stick up with that (or do something else).
Because otherwise, the message you have given to the child is that
1- they can get away with everything
2- mummy doesn’t follow up anyway and will back down so I’ll just carry on.

If this was the last straw that broke the Carmel back, then there is a question of what has happened before (its only 10.00am after all). Why did you over react (you seem to think you did), what did the dcs do before that really annoyed you? Is the dcs that annoyed you or your DH/someone else?

waterrat · 04/06/2018 10:49

OP - take a minute for a deep breath then get back in the car for the beach. when you get there let your DH take the kids for an hour and go and have a coffee in peace.

VioletCharlotte · 04/06/2018 10:49

It's so upsetting when you plan a day out and the kids act like ungrateful shits! My DC did this sometimes when they were younger (looking at you DS2!) and it made feel like crap and wish I'd just taken my day off when they were back at school. If they act like this a lot, I don't blame you for cancelling the day out. Maybe this'll make them realise you're not going to put up with it anymore.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 04/06/2018 10:50

There's definitely more to this than a sulky comment from a child. You obviously didn't want to go anyway or you wouldn't have turned the car round so quickly.
Are there resentment issues towards DH? I'm guilty of shouting at the kids to make a point of how exhausted, taken for granted, stressed I feel. It isn't fair, I should ask directly for help or shout at DH.
I would think about what is really on your mind and then try to make amends with everyone. Or failing that fuck off out and spend a peaceful day by yourself.

bookmum08 · 04/06/2018 10:51

It perhaps seems extreme but sometimes children really need to understand how their actions can affect others. If it's too late to go to the seaside now take the picnic to a park (after sitting everyone down to talk over what happened). I have been tempted to do similar sometimes but because we use public transport the option of turning around to go home usually isn't do able!!!

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 10:54

I don't think YABU. In real life you can behave that way and just get instant forgiveness. A childs relation ship with their parents us practice for their adult relationships. If he had apologised that would be one thing but he hasn't. I don't think that it is u n reasonable not to do things to make him happy while he is behaving so poorly.

AhoyDelBoy · 04/06/2018 10:56

@FASH84
You're pregnant with DC1 aren't you? Its seems you and your perfect husband are going to be perfect parents! Are you such a show off IRL or do you save it all for every. single. MN. thread? Honestly, I wish you'd get over yourself.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 04/06/2018 10:57

Agree with Janice about de-escalating

So pull him up on his attitude, but don't let it spoil everyone's (including your own) day!

Now the whole day has turned sour over 1 commenr

Thespringsthething · 04/06/2018 10:58

I've felt that moment at that age where you feel all they do is take and take and really aren't terribly grateful, mine have sometimes been like that towards the end of a holiday when they've had mountains of ice creams, fun days out and they are still demanding more- I've been known to stop the car and really tell them they were being ungrateful and unappreciative of all the lovely things we had done already.

It doesn't happen so much any more, they are older and genuinely more appreciative and say thanks for lifts, days out and so on. I just remember the frustration at that age when they are sometimes never happy and always wanting another thing, but also quite rude. I really wouldn't have a problem with saying 'I just am not prepared to drive rude people a moment longer'...it might have been better to have pulled into the side of the road and waited for an apology but if you were truly fed up- why should you be working twice as hard as everyone else to please them just to be spoken to in a rude way? Sometimes it really is the straw that breaks the camels back.

Slartybartfast · 04/06/2018 11:03

pick your battles.
just go.
he is a kid.
Not you.

Slartybartfast · 04/06/2018 11:04

They are kids, not robots. We all have moments when we say the wrong things. Just take a deep breath and dont take it personally. I guess you feel you have done them a massive favour by taking the day off and organising this day out.

BedtimeTea · 04/06/2018 11:05

Although that was saucy and rude of him to say that, it would have been mean and over reacting to cancel the day out. It is easy to do sometimes on an angry impulse, but I'd tell him you have cooled down and reconsidered. I'd have a short chat(1 minute, maybe 2) with him telling him he must be nice and respectful and he is getting another chance.

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 04/06/2018 11:08

It sounds like the latest in a long line of rude behaviour from them so maybe this what they need - a sharp reminder that there are consequences for their behaviour.

MeMeMeow85 · 04/06/2018 11:10

I think you’ve overreacted. I would have gone to the beach as planned and then sat him down alone to chat through whatever the issue is

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/06/2018 11:15

I think you've made your point by threatening to cancel the day out (I'm presuming it's still possible to go). Why has your DH gone out? I'd get him to take DT1 aside and mention that you both work very hard to ensure they have a nice time. Why should all the explaining be down to you? It might also do your DH good to have to talk about how much you do, it might bring it home to him a bit.

Then go out, and enjoy your day. Children are often thoughtless, but hopefully your threat to cancel the whole day will get through.

Beamur · 04/06/2018 11:19

Btw, I think following through on a punishment (as you did) is the right thing to do. But it's also setting a good example to be able to say, let's put this to one side now and start again.

bigKiteFlying · 04/06/2018 11:22

We have never completely cancelled a day out for bad behaviour.

However we have and will leave early from places, we will leave if we haven't paid yet for food and leave them hungry till they behave and we can get something to eat, they will walk if they can't behave on busses, trains or taxis even if they are tired.

We've certainly had to ride some bad behaviour out on days out- before they settle down or done a really strong telling off.

It did get us to the point where few years ago I was taking my girls to a free event with a friend and they were playing up - I'd told them off firmly a few times didn’t work so threatened to turn round an go home as I was at end of my tether - friend eye rolled but both my girls stopped turn to friend and said oh she will. Friend was shocked but they all behaved beautifully for rest of the day which meant we could stop longer and all enjoy it.

So perhaps not the best response OP - but I don't think it's all that terrible.

My children know they have to behave to get taken places - so they behave. However getting taken for granted - well yea that can still happen assume it happens to most mothers at some point I try and push back gently rather than let resentment build up.

PenelopeFlintstone · 04/06/2018 11:24

What's a DT? I thought it was Dear Teen but this boy is 9. Sorry to be off-topic but I'm confused. Thanks.

AhoyDelBoy · 04/06/2018 11:28

Twin?

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