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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that they will spoil every family occasion for me.

79 replies

Chickoletta · 03/06/2018 23:26

It's another ILs post I'm afraid.

My ILs are bloody annoying; this is not just my opinion but the opinion of their own 4 children too, including DH. MIL in particular is one of those people who has to fill a silence with inane shit and is always on transmit rather than receive. Even though they live close by and see my 3 DCs fairly regularly, I don't feel that they know them at all as they never actually listen to them. All DCs are very sensible, well-behaved kids but their behaviour is unrecognisable around ILs as the only way they know how to interact with them is to wind them up - teasing, tickling, chasing etc no matter what the occasion.

On a day to day basis I can cope with this and with MIL's many other very annoying traits such as re-folding my laundry, bringing shittyfood parcels for DH, re-arranging the kitchen cupboards etc, but what I find really hard to cope with is the fact that they will be there for every major landmark in my family's life. These people, with whom I have nothing in common, who irritate the life out of me and make me feel tense to be around, will be there for every special moment.

Even though DH also finds them difficult he insists that they have to be involved if my (sane) parents are going to be.

It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm already dreading their visit as they will bring sackloads of unnecessary and OTT presents and make it all about them.

I suspect that I am being U and am prepared to be told that I am, but it's actually getting me down. Has anyone got any practical advice on surviving this?

OP posts:
Murane · 03/06/2018 23:30

If my ILs were constantly "winding up" my DC I'd drastically restrict access. It isn't fair on the DC to be harassed regardless of whether these people are relatives.

BlackForestCake · 03/06/2018 23:32

Why does your MIL have access to your laundry and your kitchen cupboards?

Original poster
Chickoletta · 03/06/2018 23:34

When babysitting.

OP posts:
MediocrePenguin · 03/06/2018 23:35

No advice sorry, but totally agree they sound like dicks. Thanks

potoftea · 03/06/2018 23:35

I used to resent Christmas day being taken over by family, so started a tradition of dh, myself and our dc going out for a meal and maybe doing some activity, and few days beforehand. Once I had that with my own little family I coped better with extended family dramas.
Could you start little ways of celebrating things just yourselves, a special tea the day before a birthday for example, so you can simply have joyful times not part of the main event.

escape · 03/06/2018 23:38

If they annoy you so much you can't bear seeing them ( and I empathise with that ) You really can't be using them as babysitters.

TheMonkeyMummy · 03/06/2018 23:39

Tickling and chasing? That's not so bad. I'd take that anyday over my IL's who barely acknowledge their grandkids, and just sit around watching the tv or reading the paper on the 2/3 times a year when we visit.

Your DH is right though, they have to be involved, even if you find them difficult.

Smile sweetly, let them get on with it.

TheMonkeyMummy · 03/06/2018 23:41

Ps: still can't find things including tin opener from when MIL visited 6 weeks ago. We laugh about it, otherwise we'd get cross and life's just too short.

itchyknees · 03/06/2018 23:42

Boundaries are the issue here. You need to put some in place so that when you say “no more tickling please” they know you bloody mean it.

welshmist · 03/06/2018 23:42

I know a man who hides away when his in laws are around, it annoys my friend no end. I do see his point, but think he should put on a front for his wife. You cannot choose your family is such a true quote.

Boredandtired · 03/06/2018 23:43

Why are they babysitting then?

TheBigFatMermaid · 03/06/2018 23:45

Don't let them babysit and when they bring OTT gifts to a party say 'We are opening gifts later on, not during the party, so we can properly appreciate them'. That is normal here, make it your normal!

Original poster
Chickoletta · 03/06/2018 23:46

I totally agree about the babysitting, it's another instance of DH feeling that they should be involved. I'd far rather shell out £25 to the girl down the road!

I've tried to be firm about things like the tickling but, short of getting into a stand up row (and we've had a few) they pay no attention.

Thanks for the supportive comments - glad to know I'm not on my own.

OP posts:
EleanorLavish · 03/06/2018 23:48

You do t really have ‘nothing’ in common, though, do you?
Your DH is their son, and the way you feel about your DC is how they feel about him.
He may say yes, they are annoying, but it’s his mum and dad and he also clearly loves them. They are annoying, but not horrible. Good enough to babysit.Hmm
As suggested above, have more small functions and celebrations, for just you guys, and extended family another day. Smile and nod, OP, smile and nod.

Leeds2 · 04/06/2018 00:00

First thing is to stop using them as babysitters.

AjasLipstick · 04/06/2018 00:01

I think you sound awful yourself OP. Just because people don't do things as you do, doesn't mean they're terrible people.

The only thing I think is out of order is the rearranging your cupboards. The rest...well it sounds like you look down on them.

They're your children's BLOOD relatives though. They share DNA with those people who you "have nothing in common" with.

Original poster
Chickoletta · 04/06/2018 00:08

I can see your point about using them as babysitters and why this might not look good, but the other side of the coin is that this is time that they spend with the children, which they do seem to want even though they're not great with them. As I've said before, given the choice, I'd prefer to pay a babysitter, but this would cut down their contact time with the DCs.

My point about having nothing in common with them was badly put - of course we have my DH and DCs in common. I meant more in terms of values, interests, personality traits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickoletta · 04/06/2018 00:12

Thanks for your comments - all food for thought. I'm off to bed.

OP posts:
greenlynx · 04/06/2018 00:13

I understand how you feel , my DM behave like this often. Of course, you should involve your ILs. I would try to do as much planning and preparation for an event beforehand. Think carefully what they might do/say and try to anticipate this. think about distraction. Ask them to buy a particular game as a present or a book so they could do it with DC. They need to have their special activity to do with children (instead of re-folding your laundry).
Also do your DC like all these - teasing, ticking and chasing? Are they excited about their GPs coming? If yes, you need to relax a bit about it.

PhilODox · 04/06/2018 00:16

is always on transmit rather than receive
Grin
YANBU based on that excellent line alone!

spontaneousgiventime · 04/06/2018 00:21

This saddens me. I'm a MIL and a gran and I chase my DGC and tickle them and play games. I give them pocket money and I love them dearly. This has made me re-evaluate, I might be doing wrong when I've read so much about interfering IL so tried extra hard not to be that person.

I'm going to reflect on this.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/06/2018 00:29

If you don't want them there then don't have any of the GPs there. It is quite reasonable for your DH to want his parents involved if yours are as well.

Camelsinthegobi · 04/06/2018 00:40

I think I understand. My MIL drives me crackers but is not a ‘bad’ person. Just intensely irritating to me. I accept it’s my own issue but try to be kind to her. In practice this means involving her in some parts of our family life (i take her shopping most weeks and took her on a couple of half term trips i was doing with the kids which suited her limited mobility). But I don’t invite her to everything we do and ahe doesn’t ask. I’ve learned to keep a bit of distance for my own sanity. Eg I didn’t invite her to the kids birthday parties - it was just their friends, no other adults/relatives so she wasn’t exluded exactly, I’m just aware that she might have expected to have been invited. But she would have annoyed me no end and been extremely unhelpful. I think it’s ok to admit this, though I’m aware some will think me heartless!

DH is obviously free to go round to hers as much as he wants but in reality it’s me who does the inviting here. Works for us! Good luck.

Melfish · 04/06/2018 00:47

If your DC don't like the tickling or chasing then your DH will have to raise it with them. I remember a friend (as an adult) telling her mother how much she hated her grandparent doing this when she was a child, and how she would feel powerless to avoid the situation.

glitterfarts · 04/06/2018 00:51

Teach your children ownership of their own bodies.

Tell them to say loudly "stop touching/tickling me, I don't like it".

I had a relative always touching me as a child. Innocent tickling etc. He ended up sexually abusing me. I thought it was allowed because my parents were fine with him always touching me when they were there...

:(

It doesn't have to be equal time with the grandparents. Stop using them as babysitters.

They sound very annoying but your DH also sounds like he is trying to please them.

Have a read around FOG - fear, obligation and guilt and see if that rings a bell for your DH re his parents.

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