To feel sad that they will spoil every family occasion for me.

[Chickoletta]

It's another ILs post I'm afraid.

My ILs are bloody annoying; this is not just my opinion but the opinion of their own 4 children too, including DH. MIL in particular is one of those people who has to fill a silence with inane shit and is always on transmit rather than receive. Even though they live close by and see my 3 DCs fairly regularly, I don't feel that they know them at all as they never actually listen to them. All DCs are very sensible, well-behaved kids but their behaviour is unrecognisable around ILs as the only way they know how to interact with them is to wind them up - teasing, tickling, chasing etc no matter what the occasion.

On a day to day basis I can cope with this and with MIL's many other very annoying traits such as re-folding my laundry, bringing shittyfood parcels for DH, re-arranging the kitchen cupboards etc, but what I find really hard to cope with is the fact that they will be there for every major landmark in my family's life. These people, with whom I have nothing in common, who irritate the life out of me and make me feel tense to be around, will be there for every special moment.

Even though DH also finds them difficult he insists that they have to be involved if my (sane) parents are going to be.

It's DD's birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm already dreading their visit as they will bring sackloads of unnecessary and OTT presents and make it all about them.

I suspect that I am being U and am prepared to be told that I am, but it's actually getting me down. Has anyone got any practical advice on surviving this?

Slight digression - I have Asperger's, but wasn't diagnosed until I was older. One of my 'traits', which is relatively common among people with ASDs, is that I don't like being touched, and I LOATHE being tickled.

God knows my mother and I have a slightly strained relationship, but I will say this in her praise: she was a marvellous advocate for me and 'my funny ways' as a child, and stood up for me like a tiger when an older relative would constantly attempt to tickle me (to the point that I would have screaming fits), in spite of her being mocked by other family members for her 'indulgence' of me.

Basically, the point of this story is to say please enforce boundaries, OP, if not for you, then for the sake of your children and their understanding of the nature of consent.

All strength to you!

I used to resent Christmas day being taken over by family, so started a tradition of dh, myself and our dc going out for a meal and maybe doing some activity, and few days beforehand. Once I had that with my own little family I coped better with extended family dramas.
Could you start little ways of celebrating things just yourselves, a special tea the day before a birthday for example, so you can simply have joyful times not part of the main event.

No. If you must do this, do it on the event day/main day and have a party that involves everyone else on another day.

I’m sorry but all this access she has to you, your kids and your house comes because you get something in exchange right?
Babysitting , school pick ups ? Maybe ?
There seems to be more than you are disclosing ....
You can’t have the cake and eat it too OP.
If she’s annoying , then dont invite her around ... set the rules and stick to it

No advice but solidarity, mine are the same could write a post a month about their insanity. Don’t have running around DC’s yet - currently growing one in my belly, so can’t comment on that aspect, but everything else yep. It’s a bloody awful feeling isn’t it, Christmas has never been the same, they ruined us moving into this house, the list goes on! Have you thought about emigrating 🤣🤣 xx

@Chickoletta You are not being unreasonable.

As far as the tickling goes, if you feel it is not appropriate or whatever you must put a stop to it. Speak to the in-laws, don't expect your dh to do it. Make it clear. They are too old now, or whatever reason you want to give.

I agree with others re tickling, if you don't want it to happen make it clear.

Make sure that all big family events get a number of celebrations. YOUR individual family celebration is the most important one that happens at the best/most significant time for you and the kids. Then there can be some with your parents and some with DH's parents etc.

There will be lots of special times with your kids which your parents-in-law will not be part of. You can plan whatever you like.

I don't think your ILs should be allowed to babysit your children if they're going to do things to your DC that they don't like - tickling and chasing and winding them up, and presumably this REALLY helps with them getting to sleep, does it? Wouldn't have thought so!

Are your children of an age where they can express their feelings about having their grandparents do this to them? If so, then your DH ought to LISTEN to them (albeit he doesn't have a good example of how to do this from his own parents).

I totally get your frustration but I think you do have to suck some of it up - but not where your children's wellbeing is concerned.

Totally empathise OP though it's not my ILs it's my own parents! Since having DS it's really brought it home to me how annoying try are and really how clueless re young children.

My dad does the whole OTT tickling/chasing thing and my mum just wants to sit around having a cup of tea, maybe reading DS a story. They'd never take him out for a scoot or down to the park 5 min away for example. DS is 3.5 and they have babysit once or twice, though they live a 10 min drive away, both able bodied, still working part time etc. it's just not worth the faff - Mum "doesn't believe" in routines so wouldn't put DS down for a nap even when he was little, in a settled routine and really needed sleep - so I'd come home to a wired, psycho baby "he's not tired" 🙄🙄🙄😡

Dad wants to be fun grandad so would wind them up with sugar - I'm talking big bowls of ice cream for 2 year olds at 9.30am, not a gingerbread man for morning tea. Just fucking idiotic.

As a result I keep contact to a minimum - e.g. We just visit, they don't babysit so I can manage their behaviour. am expecting DC2 so have alternative Childcare in place so not reliant on their "help" (luckily they are quite selfish and would never actually want to help with practical things like bedtime etc).

Probably easier as its my own parents so I can manage it as opposed to ILs. Ironically my MIL is fab with DS - she and I don't have a perfect relationship as we're quite different but I really appreciate how helpful and practical she is with him & with helping us out. One of the few happy MIL stories on Mumsnet perhaps!!

I think your DH is more bothered about his parents being included then how their behaviour effects you and your dc's

Your DH is part of the problem here.

As PPs say, it’s really important that DC are not expected to endure unwanted physical contact.

stop the babysitting immediately because of the GPs’ tickling, teasing etc. So what if that means the DC see their GPs less, that’d be a good thing!

As for birthdays, christmas and so one why not do something different, as suits you? IME DCs’ birthdays are not the best time to see family anyway, as things are busy, DC are distracted by friends, parties. We have good relationships with the extended family but don’t attend DCs’ parties, we see each other for “dedicated” time when everyone has time to catch up.

As for your H’s argument that his parents should babysit or be invited or X, Y, Z because yours do, or that yours shouldn’t if his don’t, that isn’t logical or fair (to you, the DC or your parents) when the problem IS his parents, and his not addressing or avoiding their behaviour.

@spontaneousgiventime ohh you can come and play with my LO! I love it when my IL play/tickle chase ect my lo they even get him ice cream and turn him mental, but isn't that the point of a grandmas visit. I have very fond memories of my GP doing the same :-)

Tickling and teasing can be very unpleasant, and OP has said her DC find it so.

OP you are creating these problems.

You don't need a babysitter.

You allow your kids to be pestered.

You allow the intrusion into your home.

"MuvaWifey77

I’m sorry but all this access she has to you, your kids and your house comes because you get something in exchange right?
Babysitting , school pick ups ?"

The op has addressed the babysitting issue a few times now.

But family get togethers will not continue as they are because the children grow (and perhaps the DGPs change/age/move away) and become able to speak their mind, perhaps don't want to spend much time with DGPs, have school, sports, hobbies.
Perhaps speak out about the most annoying things, could you ask them to buy a particular present, the toy fest will decrease as the DCs grow. Learn to zone out DMILs wittering.
It's hard to believe they've produced these sensible adult children if they are such numpties themselves, they must have done something right.

@StealthPolarBear

MY POINT IS:

Op cannot complain about the things she allows.

She is allowing a lot of things to happen , yes it’s terrible and delicate , and your DH should be trying to sort this issue with you OP.

But to allow it then complain about it... makes no sense to me 🤷‍♀️

If the dh allows his parents to babysit is she able to forbid it?

Re family occasions, we have a rule/tradition that we spend the children's birthdays on our own. Grandparents, aunts, friends, etc. visit us or we visit them around the birthday but not on it. One of the reasons for this is that PIL almost always used to cast a shadow over the occasion because of their behaviour or comments. Fortunately, this can be explained by one of our other reasons for doing this (relating to autistic son). Is there a way you can introduce this idea with an ostensibly valid reason that everyone would be able to accept? Although we still see PIL for birthdays (after the day itself), it's taken the dread out of it for us and really minimised the stress of seeing them.

I could have written this! Spesh the sackloads of OTT presents that then have to be opened and appreciated one by one (and ££value commented on with MIL assuring us equal amounts have been spent on everyone - argh we don't care!). Love the phrase you've used about her being on transmit not receive - I'm going to use that to DH he will def get that.

But - what I have to accept is that they aren't going to change. And they aren't BAD people. Irritating yes but not bad. I figure as my DC get older they will grow apart from them because as you say, actually she displays little to no interest in them as their actual personalities and interests have started to manifest.

My ILs don't do the tickling thing too much though, that's extremely irritating. Well, FIL does a bit come to think of it That to me though is about consent and if the kids are saying stop, no, don't etc then you are well within your rights to say to ILs they've asked you to stop and we want them to know that no one should continue something you've asked them not to do? (My ILs would roll their eyes at me for this but I know DH would have my back)

I'm so glad I have lovely inlaws, it's my own family I have problems with.

Even though they live close by

Move. We're around 90 minutes drive from the nearest relatives and that's perfect. There's no rule which says you have to live on top of each other.

This saddens me. I'm a MIL and a gran and I chase my DGC and tickle them and play games. I give them pocket money and I love them dearly. This has made me re-evaluate, I might be doing wrong when I've read so much about interfering IL so tried extra hard not to be that person.

You think any of what you've described as interfering? Take every MIL at face value and remember there's not just one side to the story.

MIL thread

spontaneous but I bet they like it. The OP's DC don't, so they shouldn't have to tolerate it.

Don't let them see the kids so much if it winds them up.

Refolding laundry and rearranging the kitchen cupboards would annoy the fuck out of me and I'd have no problem telling her straight 'Hands off and stay out of my business!'